Just to defend the phone breakup side… sometimes the dumpee doesn’t give you a choice.
The only time I broke up with someone, I was agonizing over it, took the day off from classes because I was so upset. I knew I had to (long story) but I was going to wait until we could have some time alone to do it because I didn’t want to do it in public and I didn’t want to do it remotely. He called that night because he’d gone to see me at school and was worried that I was sick. Could tell I was upset. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it, and we would talk about it later. He pressed (I think maybe he had some idea it was coming) and wouldn’t leave me be so I finally told him I thought it would be for the best if we split. Over the phone. Against my wishes. Anything else would have been a flat out lie, which I suck at anyways. He said he wanted to come see me and talk it out (I lived an hour’s drive off) I asked him not to, he came anyways. :rolleyes: sigh
Caiata, that gave me the giggles I know, it’s terrible, but it did! (Better you found out sooner than later.)
Well I’m surprised at how many people actually care about the method of breaking up. Maybe you’re all just young’ns who need a little more life experience?
Btw, I’m 33. Trust me, these things lose importance as you get older. Don’t perspire on the small stuff or something like that.
Well, I dumped someone on an answering machine, once. Every other time was in person.
However, this one time was a long distanct relationship. She was never there. She thought it more important to go out drinking than let me visit for a day or evening (3 to 4 hour drive, I was willing to do for one evening). After a week of calling and asking her to call back, I left a message to the effect of:
“If you don’t feel it is important to call back, then our relationship is over”
She never called. So who dumped who? Don’t know. We were civil after that. She is a friend of the family after all.
Go to a moderately public place during daylight hours. Lunch or coffee make good choices. Give both of you some time to rest and eat. Then look your (soon to be former) partner in the eye and state where things stand. Be prepared to face some questions. Answer them as politely and respectfully as possible. Hear the other person out as long as they don’t cause a scene. Ideally the other person will agree that it’s time to end the relationship and you’ll share a handshake.
Subjects to avoid during this conversation include other people who interest you romantically, old points of interpersonal contention, or whether or not you’ll remain friends in the future. Hearts need to heal first. Do make plans to return each other’s personal belongings.
I think breaking up over the phone is a tacky thing to do but under certain circumstances it’s totally understandable. I broke up with someone over the phone just because I knew that if I saw him face to face I’d never be able to do it. I had tried to end the relationship a couple of times and each time I did it in person and each time he said or did something that made me want to stay. When I broke up with him over the phone I didn’t hang around long enough to listen to his bullshit… I just told him not to call me or come over and I hung up. Of course, he called and came over but caller i.d. is a wonderful thing and so are deadbolt locks and guns!
I’ve been the dumpee a few times and I’ve been the dumper a few times… neither one feels good! The worst way that someone broke up with me was when I was 16. I dated this one guy for a couple of months and he didn’t even break up with me… he just started dating the girl across the street! The first time I saw his car over there I knew what was going on but it still kind of pissed me off that he didn’t have the balls to tell me he didn’t want to see me anymore. We hooked up again 8 years later and dated for about 6 months. He told me he felt really bad about what happened the first time we dated and we joked about it a little. We were both so young back then… it was funny to look back on it but at the time it really sucked. I was the “dumper” our second time around. I decided to break up with him in person and after he drove me home one night we sat in the truck and talked about it and that was that. We talked the next day and made arrangements to exchange the stuff we’d left at each other’s house. It wasn’t an easy break up and even though I’m with a wonderful man now, sometimes I still wonder what might have been. sigh
Over the phone is not the best way. If it’s a LDR then it’s probably mutual then and I could understand that. I’ve been both also, but only dumped on the phone once, in a relationship that I thought was going fine (we were engaged). After he told me he ‘didn’t have that burning feeling in his heart’ I told him to just bring my stuff and leave it on the porch because I didn’t want to see him again. He lied about the reason for the breakup. He called me like three years later, wanted to see if we could try again. He got scared and ran. I wasn’t interested in being with someone that couldn’t be truthful so I told him no.
Fuckin’ deal with it. You don’t want him/her to get all weepy, then don’t break up! You’re about to cause the other person a lot of pain – the least you can do is try to make it easy on them. Dumping someone over the phone is telling them you have no regard for them at all – you’d rather watch TV than spend time with them. While that may indeed be true, it’s a very painful thing to tell someone. Breaking up in person signals that although you’re no longer in love with him/her, you still care and want to make sure they’re all right.
–Cliffy
P.S. LDR’s are a different story, because of the time and expense the dumpee has to waste just to meet with you. The other exception is honesty – I once decided to break up with a girl and was calling to set up a date so I could do it when she asked if I still loved her (she was pretty observant). At that point, the phone was the lesser of two evils.
PSA to some guys: act like a jerk when you dump a woman and she may return the favor. This can make things difficult later on if you’d rather the town’s whole female population didn’t know how small your penis is.
Actually, according to a book I’ve seen called “How To Dump a Guy: A Coward’s Manual” there is a best time for dumping. That time is approximately 6 pm on a friday. The reasoning being, The dumpee does not have to go to work the next day and still has time to plan something distracting for the weekend. BTW, they agree that a relatively quiet yet public place is ideal for dumping.
It frightens me that this books exists.
Things not to say during dumping (but have been said to me):
“I thought I loved you but I was wrong” (thanks for ripping my heart right out of my chest)
“I’m seeing someone new her name is [fill in name here]” (thanks now I have a convenient target for my rage)
“I’m sorry I tried to sleep w/ your best friend, I was ‘crazy’ at the time” (speechless)
I think it’s fairly evil, but I’m reluctant to say really evil. I have, alas, experienced depths of treachery by which the phone dump pales in comparison:
Things not to say, volume two:
– “Somehow I thought you were different when I met you. Now I see how deluded I was.”
– Extended critique of my personal failings, followed by, “I hope we can still be friends. Now excuse me, I have dinner waiting at home and it’s getting cold.” (N.B. The entire breakup speech took place in his car with the motor running.)
– Nothing at all – he just stopped returning my phone calls and e-mails until I got the picture.
I’ll take a phone call, provided it’s reasonably civilized, over all of the above.
On a similar note, the fella I talked about in my first post got me with this one:
Him: “I’m seeing someone else.”
Me: “Oh, really? How long has this been going on?”
Him: “Well, I kissed her night before last; what else do you want to know?”
I honestly can’t remember what I said at that point, I was too stunned. I was looking for something along the lines of “Two weeks” or “several dates” or “this whole last semester,” y’know, temporal sort of references, just so I know how stupid to feel that I didn’t catch on, not what base you’ve gotten to! Retard.
No, the colder you (the dumper)are doesn’t make it any easier for the dumpee IF you’ve been going out for awhile…
Being cold and/or cruel about it is unnecessary.
If you cared enough to be with the person, regardless of the length of time, it is a simple matter of respect and courtesy to give that person a chance to look you in the eye while you say what you have to say, and offer them a chance to respond.
Calling from a safe distance to drop a bomb, and then hanging up feeling satisfied that a proper level of closure has been reached is a self-centered and cheap way out.
You cared enough to put your tongue in this persons mouth, the least you could do is offer them the chance to dump a glass of water on you.
Break-ups hurt, that’s the risk one takes when starting a relationship. Skipping out on your own personal pain and dumping it all on the other person by ending the relationship in an impersonal way is unacceptable.
Utterly but then it avoids the subsequent why?! things afterwards since they can put the phone down on you (always being the dumpee rather than the dumper)
what is utterly nasty is text message dumping that is the worst , IRC memoserve behind that
email isn’t so bad because you can still reply to them and they can explain things clearly ditto letters
I disagree. Email is way evil. It drags things out for days and weeks with long pauses of agony. By telephone is tacky and cowardly for the most part. Being cold is unnessisary, adds to the pain and is shallow/lame IMO.
Anything else would have been a flat out lie, which I suck at anyways. He said he wanted to come see me and talk it out (I lived an hour’s drive off) I asked him not to, he came anyways. :rolleyes: sigh
I know, it’s terrible, but it did! (Better you found out sooner than later.)