If it is a spin off of an Adrian Lyne film(9 1/2 Weeks), is anything Red Shoe or Wild Orchid, or features a chick called Emmanuelle, flee.
When the gushing quote displayed prominently is from KLMP-Radio in Bumpalong ID, run for cover. Remember, even Howard the Duck managed to scrounge a favorable review for the ads.
There are only a few reviewers/publications worth even spit:
Rollling Stone (mostly)
Ebert/Roper (but probably not if they are only quoted as “Thumbs Up!”
N.Y. Times
L.A. Times
Time
Newsweek
Boston Globe
After that it gets sketchy pretty fast. I noticed that very few of these reviewers were put in the big ad for T3 in the L.A. Times, for instance. Compare that with the reviews for The Two Towers, or Finding Nemo.
Two things with the “From The” line…
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If it’s a “From the…” and the positions of the people are weird (“Foley Artist who brought you Austin Powers and the Executive Producer of Look Who’s Talking 2!”)
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Or, if the movies cited in the “From the…” line are utter, utter crap.
And if it’s a “little brother” movie. Like some famous actor has a younger brother, and it’s a vehicle for the little bro…
That linked article answers something for me I’ve wondered for a long time: What is Jeff Craig thinking? Why does he like EVERYTHING? Doesn’t he have any taste?
The answer is, he isn’t really giving reviews, and it’s all a sham. Case closed. So, if they have to resort to Jeff Craig or Earl Dittman, RUN!
Oh, and Larry King IS NOT A MOVIE CRITIC!!!
Funny you should say that. I only continue to watch the LotR trilogy because of Peter Jackson. Call it misplaced nationalism. I much prefer his earlier schlock-horrors, and his sublime “Heavenly Creatures”. LotR I can live without
I knew that big stars did this, but I think Jackie Chan may do it quite a bit. I got Jackie Chan: The Killer Meteors (1976) on DVD, and Jackie’s role is probably the sixth biggest. The special features have an interview (circa mid-1990s) with Jackie Chan talking about how great Jackie Chan is, i.e., nothing to do with the film at all.
If the box cover has no vidcaps on it, but only artwork. Frex, the movie “Viking Massacre” which has only a drawing of a Viking raising his axe over a pile of bodies. It means there’s not a single image in the orginal movie worth making a vidcap of. Think about it … then RUN LIKE HELL.
Unless the One movie title appears thusly:
Black Beauty, starring Mark “Oliver!” Lester. Not even risky. Totally turkey, guaranteed.
Nationalism? You so better be a Kiwi living in Tas. 
Born and bred in Taranaki!!
Now resident of Hobart (gourd only knows why)
And some time in the future - Melbourne, at least once myself and the SO get enough income rolling from our business.
Hey BTW, I think we got different (and better) version of the PJ films in NZ, the copies here seem awfully edited. Although, Australia has much stricter censorship (read: govt busybodies)
What scares me is that I’ve seen several movies advertised as, “From the people that brought you Remember the Titans!”
At least they’re honest about it up front.
As Ebert once said, “If the portraits of the lead actors on the poster/video cover are caricatured beyond recognition, the movie stinks.”
As for my own suggestons…
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An unusual amount of ellipses ("…"), brackets (""), or exclaimation points in the reviewer blurb.
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The video is a sequel to a well known film, but you’ve never heard of it before. Bonus if it doesn’t have any of the original cast members.
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The movie is Star Trek: Generations
Even Dogbert has some tips for spotting “warning signs” in movie reviews. (Scroll down to the bottom)
TITLE YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF from the Director/Producer/Special Effects Team who gave you HIT COOL MOVIE EVERYONE KNOWS
I saw one about a haunted mining town called HELL-something from the Special Effects team from HELLRAISER II…
the star was Ron (Welcome Back Kotter’s Horshak) Pallilo & one of the special effects was a bat flying ON A FREAKING WIRE!!!
If the artwork on the box imitates poster artwork from a well-known movie. The first two I remember noticing that did this were meant to fool people into thinking they were renting Silence of the Lambs and Bringing Out the Dead. The last one I noticed was mimicking The Fast and the Furious. Perhaps the studios think, hey, if you liked that movie you’ll like this one too. Except you’d never notice the lame movies without the gimmicky look-alike cover art.
Lenticular art covers are also up there with embossing and LED lights to scare you away from said movie.
If the movie stars Casper Van Dien, back slowly away and don’t make eye contact.
Even if they’re a spoof? Eg. Robin Hood, Men in Tights (though that made it clear it was a spoof, only a fool wouldn’t notice the different, besides, why would Robin Hood be in ‘comedy?’).
Personally, it annoys me flat regardless, hell, I remember once they made a soft-core porn flick called “Pulp Friction” (exactly the same lettering I might add) and both my mother and father mistook it for Pulp Fiction when I was looking for the film. Kinda amusing, I guess.
“Hey, look, there’s… Oh.”
Personally, I never thought someone would go to the film joint and pick up a copy of “Pulp Friction” and say “well, I was looking for Pulp Fiction, but I guess I’ll pick up this shitty soft-core porn that’s ripping off a film trying to rip off a genius’ work.” How 'bout you?
Damn! The last part should read “well, I was looking for Pulp Fiction, but I guess I’ll pick up this shitty soft-core porn that’s ripping off a genius’ work.”
The makers of porn videos, I always thought, name their films as slight variations of well-known movies just because it’s kind of a tradition in the genre to see who can come up with the worst (i.e. best) puns.
“Splendor In The Ass” slays me every time.
You mean like:
“Astonishing… truly an epic… I was blown away!”
as edited from:
“It’s astonishing that anyone in Hollywood saw fit to produce this crap. It was truly an epic waste of time for everyone involved. When I thought about all of the constructive things I could’ve been watching instead of watching this great big turd of a movie, I was blown away!”
I’m going to take a moment to note an exception: Equlibrium.
http://us.imdb.com/Title?0238380
The box screams “Better than the Matrix” and it might actually not be lying. I don’t have my copy cause someone stole it again, but I think it also has the actor violation.