Basically, almost any movie you’ve never heard of, if you’re the type to glance through the ads in the paper. Although admittedly, not every town has the movie companies taking out doublepage color ads like in the L.A. Times.
Exception: Waiting for Guffman.
Bah. That knocks out any anime, most small films… If I followed that, I’d have not seen Clerks or Equlibrium or The Specials… (Was that the name of the movie? Like Tap, but about super heroes.)
If it compares itself in any way to The Matrix it usually sucks. For instance Invincible, which I believe advertised “Matrix like special effects!” yet was a shlocky X-Men/Mortal Kombat ripoff.
If it’s a horror movie starring a bunch of teen actors you’ve never heard of that is trying but failing to be like the Scream movies, don’t rent it.
If it’s under 90 minutes long, don’t rent it.
As there isn’t much to do where I am we end up renting a lot of sucky movies just cause we’ve seen all the good ones already. You know you’re bored when you can tell the movie’s going to suck and yet you rent it anyway.
Oh yeah. Best movie I saw at the 2002 Seattle film fest, by a long shot. Amazing.
The problem with these rules is that there’s always an exception. For example, if you postulate something like, “Half-dressed anonymous woman arching her back provocatively in high-key light dominating the cover” to get rid of Carnal Extremes II and Night Passions 3 and all of that, you also accidentally rule out Atom Egoyan’s Exotica, which is a great film with an extremely misleading box.
Mother’s Day was a classic horror film with (at least then) a cast of unknowns. The first 5 minutes of that film alone was worth the price of the rental!
Also, any film with a quote from Ron Brewington of Urban Radio…(or was it Urban TV?). I actually would scan new film ads and just roar at his over the top gushing raves for films you knew were utter crap.
Any movie where the review mentions the scenery is a movie without enough happening to distract from the scenery.
Any movie reviewed by Thirty Second reviews is a bad movie.
As a matter of fact, most movies are bad movies. I generally look for things to distinguish them from the pack.
Regards,
Shodan
I rented The Guru once (despite my objections at the time, it didn’t seem to pass some of these guidelines). It was actually pretty good, for a movie. Some of the stuff I saw on its previews:
Bring it on 2: Bring it on Again
There was also this movie that ripped off of Signs. Alien invasion, out in the cornfield, some dumbass sheriff alone at night in the cornfield and he hears something move in the corn so he looks and drops his flashlight on the ground :eek:. Only with centered around a bunch of attractive white teengers (one or two black kids, for diversity). In what looked to be the climax, they were trapped in a basement that looked like the one from Signs, and it showed them running from this farmhouse which was of course about to blow up. The farmhouse was the exact same damn one from Signs!. The ,movie’s title? Silent Warnings.
Hmmm, wouldn’t silent warnings be considered kind of like signs in any way?
Invasion from the Inner Earth: Starship Enterprise (it’s pink!)
Horrors of the Red Planet: Millenium Falcon
Robovampire: Robocop
Any movie with the words “Jerry Warren” anywhere on the box
Any movie with reviews from organizations you’ve never heard of, and not mainstream reviewers ("…a fun treat! - Podunk Gazette)
Any movie with reviews that are one word long and bracketed by ellipses. Box quote: “…amazing…”; Actual quote: “It’s amazing that such a turd ever made it to the screen.”
–Patch
I would have said “Any movie starring Dean Cain”, but he’s actually had some good movies recently.
You may substitute “Gary Daniels” for him if you wish (except maybe for Bloodmoon).
Any movie described as being “rollicking”
or “laugh-a-minute.”
A sequel to an animated movie that boasts “all-new songs.”
Unrated: “Banned in Queensland”
Before he was famous: Peter Jackson.
XYZ meets XYZ: “Monty Python meets Evil Dead”
Two words: Bad Taste
Monster Movie Corrolary: if the box has vidcaps that show the monster, and it looks like it’s made of foam rubber even in the one-inch-square pictures, avoid it.
I’ll second the Lou Diamond Phillips one.
“Catch Her in the Rear” hehheh, from Dream On
Crap, sorry, didn’t see the new thread started…hmmm…ah, didn’t realize this thread was 2 pages. My bad.
I love that film!
My favorite was
This movie stars this no name actor who was in “The Thin Red Line” with John Travolta and John Cusack.
This movie was using the game “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” to sell itself! Ack! (I forget who the no name actor was though)
Apparently you forgot the film too.
Yes, it is - although it’s also far from bad, and with a little more work on the fight scenes could have been very good.
“Starring Tom Savini” - amazingly, Savini can act a bit. Those of us with longer memories might recall that he played Sex Machine in From Dusk Till Dawn. The all-time winner in the Best Fish Out Of Water category is Dan O’Bannon, who starred in John Carpenter’s Dark Star. It’s also a known fact that David (Angel) Boreanaz is a qualified director who fell into acting almost by accident.
Rappers headlining movies - Ice Cube in Barbershop, and fuck you very much. Cradle 2 The Grave was also a fair distance from sucky. You should also exclude films specifically about rap, like 8 Mile and to a lesser extent Fear Of A Black Hat (aka This Is Spinal Rap), because whether or not you like those films is going to be somewhat dependent on your tolerance for rap.
Critics to avoid - those of us in the UK can safely avoid anything with a quote from the News of the World on the box. Being tabloid newspaper of choice for the discerning knuckle-dragging Neanderthal fuckwit, they tend to rate movies in inverse proportion to their quality.
If you invoke the Blockbuster Inversion Rule you don’t even have to read the box - the more copies they bought, the less likely it’s anything you really want to see.
In my house we have a “no doofus” rule, ever since my father-in-law found a video box that went something like:
“A man looks for a new husband for his ex-wife but finds a doofus instead”
One or more smirking teenagers wearing sunglasses is on the box, and the title is not Risky Business.