Kind of another anti-Emeril rant, but very specific. On today’s show Emeril showed all the ways possible to ruin lobster: bake it 'till it turns to lobster-jerky, boil it 'till it’s stringy (and don’t forget: add lots of spicy sausage and spices so you can’t taste the lobster), make fritters, so the lobster meat’s taste is completely hidden by the doughy bread, make a savory lobster cheesecake. (bleagh. Just…bleagh.)
But Emeril’s worst crime against humanity tonight is the following unholy concoction. It’s so bad, that if one were to compare fictional characters to foods, this would be Cthulhu’s. It’s the cooking equivalent in evilness to Lovecraft’s Great Old Ones. I am appalled.
The upshot of his recipe: Take vanilla beans (and yes, you condescending bastard, I know that you have to split them and scrape the seeds.), split them and put them in olive “erl” (oil). (His web-based instructions say to use vegetable oil, but I believe he said olive oil on the show) Heat the olive erl, but not to “burling”…a hint, Em: when cooks put things in hot oil it’s called an “infusion”. If you heat the oil up to high, the infused item doesn’t “burl” (aka “Boil”)…we, the precision-minded call heating something in rapidly bubbling oil by the strange term: “frying”. Since you don’t seem to be able to cook anything without that technique, I though you might like to know the term.
Anyway, he didn’t say to wait for the hot “erl” to cool, anyone who followed his on-screen techniques is going to end up with very greasy scrambled eggs. Anyway, in a food processor, add tarragon, ‘sarlt’, lemon juice, Dijon mustard and egg yolks. Take the vanilla/olive 'erl" and make a mayonnaise by processing the first batch of ingredients and slowly pouring the ‘erl’ in.
When done, mix together cooked diced potato, "gaalik’, celery, red onion, paaahsley, and cubed lobster meat.
Take some kind of lettuce and pour more of the vanilla ‘erl’ (a lot of it, judging from what he did on the show) over it. Put the greased lettuce on the plate. Mix the potatoes and stuff with the vanilla-mayo (garlic, vanilla, mustard (and possibly olive oil): this is actually Emeril’s recasting of a famous cooking riddle: What ingredients, all of which taste great individually, are nauseating when put together? <barf> ). Put the vanilla/garlic/mustard/oily potato/lobster salad on the vanilla-greased lettuce. Serve. Watch the earth shudder at the loathsome horror you’ve created. The entire universe rebels against the evil of what you’ve done to a poor, innocent lobster. If I were forced to choose between drinking some of the deliquescing ichor of Jubbelix or eating this vomitous concoction, I’d have to think long and hard.
And one more thing, you greasy slob: it’s not only rude, but it’s dull to watch you breaking your arm congratulating yourself on how good your own cooking is. “Oh! MY! GAHD!” has become your mantra every time you taste test your food (by sticking one of your hairy, unwashed fingers in it, I might add). Please. Just go away. And take your greasy vanilla-garlic-mustard potato salad with you.
Fenris (who notes that the “Emeril” diet is working! Watch the show before meals and you won’t want to eat afterwards.)
