Hi, all. Another newbie here. I’ve read the SD since '73, and have been lurking around the boards for, lo, these many months. I’ll pay the sign up fee in a day or two, but in the meantime I hope you will not think it presumptuous of me that my first post here is a rant in the pit, but this is something that really puts sand in my Crisco, and has for some time.
I like to cook, and I like to watch cooking shows. I know the people on those shows studied hard, worked hard, love what they do and are passionate about blah blah woofle woofle … but, Thor’s clenching buttocks folks, do we really need to make a demi-god out of every mutt who ends up in front of a camera!?
Hep cat Tyler Florence, here’s a flash - that’s a collection of symptoms you got going there - not a personality. Rachael Ray - cute as a button mushroom, but that simpering laugh! It’s like your mom walked in and caught you with your hand down your panties and neither of you could think of anything to say. Michael Chiarelli - you smug, Napa Valley living cheese-humper - put down the saucepan and step back from the range! Ina Garten - you might want to cut down on the Prozac just a tad. Rocco Di Spirito - I di spit on you. And Wolfgang Puck - what the fuck? Paula Deen - y’all ain’t the queen. Bobby Flay’s okay. I could go on, but you get the idea.
So Emeril, BAM this, you snot gargling fuckpuddle*! You’re a fucking cook fer crissakes! Shut up and make me a sandwich.
There. All better now. Thanks.
*fuckpuddle - 1. n: The soupy mess of bodily fluids resulting from the energetic sexual activity of two or more persons. 2. n: A shallow, muddy hole in the ground used for the energetic sexual activity of two or more persons.
Eh, most of the best cooks don’t wear gloves or wash their hands every few seconds. They wash their hands before they start cooking, obviously.
The thing is you really don’t need to wash your hands after you’ve touched every piece of food. If you touch raw chicken you shoul definitely wash your hands before touching any surfaces and you should also be extra safe and wash it before touching any of the other ingredients, even ones that will be cooked in the oven (although the oven tends to kill off a lot of the baddies.)
Touching raw beef and then touching other stuff seems gross to us but in all honesty healthy beef really isn’t dangerous raw, just unappealing to most people.
Emeril is indeed annoying, and a rather pedestrian chef. But you’ve gone off the deepend to denigrate Tyler Florence. That boy is so beautiful he could boil water and it’d be interesting. You’re also an rank wannabe fry-cook if you think Bobby Flay rates even as high as “okay”. The man shouldn’t be allowed near a grill, much less have several failed shows on TV. He’s a hack of the worst kind. Plus he’s an arrogant git should whined like a baby when the Iron Chef whipped his ass after he insulted the Japanese hosts by jumping up on the counter, then got a rigged rematch on the American version that he conveniently “won”. My opinion of him is apparently shared..
You also left off praises for the heroic Alton Brown.
I’d like to welcome the OP and give credit for a decent rant with several pasable insults and creative obscentities. Very nice for a first post. I give it a solid 8. It would be higher if he could have slipped in a gratuitous swipe at Bush, but still not bad. Not bad.
I concur that Flay is a smug bastard and that the crab battle rematch was totally fixed.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some business to attend to while the image of Rachel Ray with her hand down her panties is still fresh in my mind.
Back about, oh, two months ago, Emeril had a halloween special.
I swear to god, the title of the show was “Emeril Fucks Up Halloween”. It was the best misreading I’ve ever done, and considering his presence, it sounded pretty accurate.
I get the bizarre feeling, watching him, that he’s going to snap and start cursing and throwing knives. Or maybe just shit himself.
Not true. I was stuck in hospital for 2 months during my last pregnancy, and I watched a LOT of cooking shows. One of them had a woman I will describe as heavy, top-heavy, and with dark hair - maybe somebody will recognise the description? - and she washed her hands many times during the course of making the meal in question. But you’re right. I’ve never seen other cooks do it. That’s why she stood out so much.
Not to slide this comment into the panties discussion-- Rachael Ray does wash her hands with hand sanitizer after she touches raw meat.
Go ahead and have your field day with the above sentence, ya pervs!
But seriously, I loathe Emeril. I was looking at the ingredients on a bottle of his salad dressing, and it contained corn syrup! Would he ever use corn syrup to make salad dressing on his show? Or for his family? Never. It pisses me off. His meals clog the arteries of people who are only watching the show.
I will also just add onto the praise heaped upon Alton Brown. He is the best reason to watch FoodTV, though I also like Rachael Ray, with her simper, her “How good is THAT?” and her stories about Grampa Emmanuel aside.
As for me, I’m wondering why y’all are criticizing the chefs rather than the mouthbreathers to whom the shows are intended to appeal. The chefs wouldn’t use those stage mannerisms if it didn’t help them with the ratings. For example, did you ever see any of Emeril’s very early appearances? (I believe it was in “How to Boil Water”.) His manner was completely different–very quiet and soft-spoken, and it did not work at all well with the camera; his current “Bam!” persona is obviously fake and an attempt to project more energy.
Incidentally, he’s also a pretty damn good cook. I ate a few meals in his restaurants before he got really famous, and thoroughly enjoyed them. Bear in mind that he was known for doing everything from scratch. (Worcestershire sauce? Made from scratch in-house. Et cetera.) You don’t get noticed by the James Beard Foundation for nothing, you know.
Similar comments could be made re Wolfgang Puck–like him or not, he’s got great credentials and was a real pioneer.
So yeah, they’ve sold out–or bought in, depending on how you look at it–but that doesn’t mean they couldn’t cook circles around most of us while blind drunk and with one hand tied behind their backs.
“Molto Mario’s” theme song induces food poisoning all by itself. And will someone please tell Christopher Kimball on “America’s Test Kitchen” to lay off the Red Bull? Mama mia, that guy’s a jumping jack.
