Embarassing/Funny Sex Stories Part II (or, don't revive old threads; start new ones!)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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Yesterday I stumbled across this hilarious thread, which someone had resurrected from a couple of years ago. Since it is so large and unwieldy, I thought I’d start a new thread on the same subject, with a link back to the original thread. The subject line says it all: Embarassing or funny sex stories. I’ll make a starting contribution of my own, and if I get a positive response, I’ll throw in another story or two.

I shared my first apartment with two roommates. We lived on the first floor in a two story building. This meant that we heard EVERY noise the people above us made, and boy did they make a lot of noise. We referred to them as “The Rabbits.” The Rabbits screwed like bunnies–I’m talking 5 and 6 times a day, EVERY SINGLE DAY. We had a chart in the kitchen where we kept track of how many times they had sex on a given day, and in what room (there were ways of telling. Squeaking bed springs = bedroom. A sort of muffled, rythmic sliding noise, we determined, was the living room. And so on.)

I was part of a campus youth group, and Sunday nights we hosted a bible study. In our apartment. You see where this is going. We were all sitting in a circle in our living room, with 15 or 20 people from our church, when one of my roommates caught my eye. Her eyes flicked up towards the ceiling. Then I heard it. The muffled thumps that meant the Rabbits were rolling around on the bed, engaged in foreplay. I knew from experience that raucously squeaking spring would follow. Not wanting to start praying or something, only to be interrupted by our upstairs neighbors getting to know one another biblically, I mouthed, “What do we do?” At this point my roommate loudly interrupted whoever was speaking and suggested, “Let’s sing a hymn, everyone!” Unfortunately, the only hymn that occured to her was, “Bind Us Together, Lord.” Luckily, she and I were the only ones who realized what was going on, as the hymn singing drowned out the activity from upstairs. We kept it up for quite a while.

Later that night, I typed up a note for our neighbors. It said, “Could you guys please not have sex on Sunday evenings from 6-9 PM? We host a bible study and it’s a little distracting. Thanks, your downstairs neighbors.”

The next morning I found my note crumpled up on our porch.

At least they didn’t have revenge sex the next Sunday.

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Moderators–I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to post this thread twice. I blame my internet connection. Please delete one of them.

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I am the RESURECTOR (sp). Seriously, though, I apologise. I was not aware of the annoyingness (is that a word) until the deed was done. Thank you for not yelling at me.

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I don’t think I’ve posted this before. I dated a charming preacher’s daughter when I was in college. She later married another guy. After the marriage fell apart, we dated again, and finally got naked. I was licking and sucking her Vertical Smile, and after a while she stopped me. She said, “Please stop, I’ve already come four times.” I was surprised. I’d never been with a woman who made no noise when she had an orgasm. I said, “If I’d known you were coming, I’d have baked a cake.”

She swatted me, but she didn’t kick me out of bed. :wink:

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The first time my ex-boyfriend went down on me ended rather interestingly.

As I’ve said in other threads, this guy wasn’t the brightest bulb on the marquee, which is the only defense I can give him on this one. Anyway, he and I are making out on this leather sectional in the basement at my place. Things progress to the level stated in my topic sentence. All and all, there wasn’t anything all that unique about the experience…except that when he’d started off, he’d had a stick of Winterfresh in his mouth. Which happened to fall out, and, unbeknownst to me, wound up on the carpeting. My ass wound up on the same carpeting about five minutes later, when we moved to the floor. When he finished the job, I proceeded to grind the gum not only into the carpeting, but into the back of my underwear.

He told my about the mishap afterward, he said, because he didn’t want to “ruin the moment.” All about atmosphere, that one, I guess.

We proceed to look for the missing gum…even he hadn’t realized that we’d managed to grind the gum into the rug, but after we went on a mad hunt for it, there it was. I spent the next fifteen minutes pantless, trying to pluck gummed up rug fibers out of the floor, while he tried to do the same with the back of my underwear.

I can only imagine what my parents would have thought if they’d walked in, what with the partial nudity, me apparantly fingering the rug, and my ex repeatedly pulling at the same exact spot on my underwear. What kid of weird foreplay is that?

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Anyway . . .

It was our first date (blind date - met online!) We met at bar for a cocktail - actually had 2. Went to dinner. Had a ‘shaker’ of manhattans, a bottle of wine with dinner, a cordial after. Went to his house. Had coffee, tiramisu (which he made - that’s when I fell in love with him) and a bottle of port. He wouldn’t let me drive home. He rolled me into his bed, and curled up in a chair in the room (Well, that was the other thing that made me fall in love with him - he was a gentleman). Halfway during the night, I got the urge - got undressed, and pulled him into bed with me. After a very long session of foreplay, I finally jumped on top of him, and showed a lot of enthusiasm. Two embarassing things happened:

  1. For the first time, I “squirted” - I didn’t know what was happening ( I thought I peed on him!!!)
  2. It felt sooo good, I put a little more ‘effort’ into it, and the bed fell apart!

I was horrified!!! I thought he was going to kick me out. But, luckily, he didn’t miss a stroke, and we finished sometime before the sun came up.

We still laugh about it - and have a bunch of 4x4s under our bed now :slight_smile:

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Welcome, Olive! Your story reminded me of an embarassing escapade of my own. My (now ex) boyfriend and I were going at it pretty hot and heavy, on his bed, which had a down stuffed mattress pad on it. Well, I was really getting into it, and I came (for the very first time, I might add). I was surprised–I wasn’t expecting it to be so, um, messy. Neither was he, apparently. He stopped, got up, pulled the sheets off the bed, pulled the mattress pad off the bed, fluffed it out, set an oscillating fan on it so it would dry (and the feathers wouldn’t clump together, he explained. The whole time I’m watching him, not quite believing that he’s interrupted sex to change the sheets), and then he put new sheets on the bed. Then he was ready to continue, as if he expected me to be turned on by all this.

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Thanks October!

Well, it wasn’t my first orgasm, but it was the most intense! And, he didn’t seem too upset about the mess - at least at the time. The next time I came over (two days later), he had put matress pads on the bed, and had a couple of towels handy - he put them down first and then positioned himself on them before we got busy. We’ve been together for 2 years, live together, and we’ve pretty much resigned ourselves to the fact that the wet spot will take up the entire bed :frowning:

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ROTFLMAO*

Ok…I’ll fess up.

Once, when CG and I were in college, we decided to be a little risque’ and have sex in the green room of the drama dept. We were going at it under a blanket on the ugly couch (it was this hideous orange paisely hide-a-bed in a loveseat) when we heard footsteps on the stairs that led down into the green room. We stopped, mid-coitus, and wondered if someone would come down. Nobody did and we spent the rest of the day trying to figure out who it was.

IDBB

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I have no stories to share here, but holy crap I spit out my ice cream I was laughing so hard at that.

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I got a colossal case of the giggles today as the hubby was giving my clit his undivided attention.

“What the heck?” he says.

“Sorry hon, I was thinking of cake”

He just looked at me like I was losing my mind. (Well he thinks I have already lost it but…) I shall never think that song again with out also thinking of orgasms.

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Well, there was this one time, my wife and I were going at it in the bedroom and we left the TV on. As we’re approaching finality, I start hearing “Hail Satan…Hail Satan…” The movie was Rosemary’s Baby. I can tune most things out, but Ruth Gordon and friends praising the lord of darkeness was a bit much.

(Of course - YMMV - I’m sure some people would enjoy that…)

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On a crisp spring Sunday morning, when my brother and I were 8 and 6, we went out the back door in our pajamas for some reason. Mom and Dad were still in bed. When we found we had locked ourselves outside, we tapped on our parents’ window. “Mom! Dad! Please get up! We’re locked out.” Dad was grouchy when he let us in. I found out 15 years later that they were making love in there, and that was the day they decided the next house would have the master bedroom on the second floor.

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I can commiserate, lost4life. Mudshark and I wound up making out on a couch in his living room one day with VH1 was on in the background. Everything’s going well, when all of a sudden, Led Zeppelin cuts in with, “squeeze my lemon til the juice runs down my leg” at what had to be maximum volume. We both burst out laughing, then decided to shut the damned TV off and go upstairs.

Oddly enough, though, we’ve also managed to fool around to most Frank Zappa without a hitch…including (but not limited to) The Illinois Enema Bandit.:confused:

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I have something similar, but not near as funny, Orange and lost4life.

My SO and I were pretty heavily making out on the couch with Short Circuit 2 on in the background. We were both silent in a lovingly-sigh type moment when Ben said in his crazy accent, “You are not knowing your fluids!” We were both immature kids back then (of course not anymore) so we were cracking up for a good five minutes after that.

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October, I think your old neighbors live upstairs from me. Fortunately, I never host Bible study :slight_smile: