Emotionally drained and blackmailed

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Hi Sheenah,

It sounds like you have it very tough. I can see a number of problems here. Some of them have been mentioned, but a few haven’t.

As far as school is concerned, I think your kid needs special attention. Most current school systems deal badly with people who fall too far out of the average. This goes for children who have trouble keeping up because they lack the mental skill or experience (lack of parental support), but this also goes for children who are too far above average. They are often bored and left to their own devices to do something about that. As a result, they can become bullies, trouble-kids who continually challenge authority, and so on. From what I hear the teachers say about him, he could fit that bill. To deal with his, you need to find something extra to challenge him with. You might want to try to find some bright-kid programs in your area, and/or open a separate thread here asking if there are people here who have experience. This is not necessarily something for ‘gifted’ kids, just something that offers an extra challenge.

At the same time, your child has started the final phase of becoming an adult. This does not only mean hormone levels start to rise (which is a problem for a while, it reduces your attention span to 20 minutes max, and with classes typically at least double that, it causes problems for a year or sometimes two), but it also means that mentally, the child is working hard to become independent. Since your son is currently obviously the most dependent on you, you’re going to have to bear the brunt of the burden in that respect.

I think that all things considered, if it were an option for the boy to go live with his father, I would hold it open for him. Don’t allow it to be blackmail material. Just be honest in telling him how you think about it, what you are afraid of for him (what happens if his dad rejects him, finally, can he deal with it? Asking this question will force him to deal with it a little beforehand, which will in itself make it a slight bit easier to handle), and for yourself (can you handle him not being around). But start moving towards treating him as a grown up that has to make his own decisions and bear his own responsibility for them. Typically, if you do this before they force the responsibility from you, my experience is that they’ll be more careful and likely to listen to you for advice than otherwise.

I imagine the most difficult part for you to deal with would be if he does in fact move to his father, and he likes it there and doesn’t come back. You would lose his company, terrible, but something that will happen sooner or later anyway - he will move out. If he in fact is happy with his father, you may feel that you have failed, but at the same time your son is happy, and even if you’re not, that’s not a bad thing in itself (“I would terribly miss you, but if you think you would be happier there, you being happy is the most important thing to me in the world even if I would be unhappy not having you around” - if you mean this, your son will hear you, even if he still decides to go).

And even in that case, which you must find very threatening at the moment, it would allow you to deal with that other important thing you mentioned, the fact that you feel you’ve been depressed the last three years. That’s not a good thing. Whether or not your son stays, you should really prioritize doing something about that. It is hard to love someone who is depressed, as I’m sure a large part of the SD population is able to tell you. Get those things that made you happy in the past back out of the closet, or find new things.

It must be hard to do these things on your own, though it sounds like you have one or two friends in similar positions. You may want to go out there and look for more of them, or make some new friends just to have some fun with or give each other support. I hear the internet’s a good thing sometimes. :wink:

22

(and make that sheerah! oops! :o )

23

Wow. Reading that OP struck some sort of really deep nerve - but probably not in the expected way.

I could have been your son. (Except, I’m female.)

My parents were divorced. From the time I was 5, I lived with my mother and step-father. My home life was pretty horrendous (I’ll spare the gory details) but to this day, I don’t believe it had a lot to do with my academic failures. I only mention it because of the similarity.

Every single one of my report cards went on about how incredibly bright I was, but how my “failure to apply herself” was holding me back academically. When I took standardized tests, I scored in the 99th percentile - and there was always a note about the disparity between my abilities and my grades. I was called lazy, undisciplined, and stubborn.

I went to extreme lengths to cover up the fact that I didn’t do my homework. The trouble began probably about 5th grade - the first grade where I actually began getting bored with school and had a hard time coping with it. 5th grade was where I was first seated next to the teacher because I simply couldn’t function when I was in the middle of the class.

6th grade marked the true homework issues. I regularly failed to do it, to the point that my teacher set up a notebook that I had to take home every day with the day’s assignments listed, and whether or not I had completed the assignments from the night before. From the first day, I forged my step-father’s signature (because until that point, my teacher had never seen his, only my mother’s, and my step-father was regularly out of town.) I was always amazed that it worked. After a few months of my continued failure in doing any homework, the teacher told me he’d be calling my parents. Knowing I’d be in a huge world of trouble, I begged him to give me another chance, and explained to him the consequences of my parents finding out. He relented, and gave me another chance. I still failed to improve, and eventually my parents were called. What else could the teacher do?

Through junior high, I had the same trouble, only spread across 6 teachers. It didn’t take long before the same system was set up. I had a binder specifically for my teachers to report on my homework and whether I had done it. My parents knew about it from the start, of course, (I think they pushed for it to happen) so I took the opposite approach, and began forging my teachers’ signatures when necessary (it was easy for the teachers to forget, considering the amount of children they dealt with each day). This worked for most of the school year; in fact, I don’t think I was ever caught. My in-class performance was strong enough that I passed, even despite the fact that I did very little homework. The same sort of thing happened throughout junior high, but I squeaked by on my strength in taking tests and in-class participation.

In High School, things really took a turn for the worse. The amount of freedom and trust really let me get away with a lot, and eventually, I was skipping most of my classes - attending class only on days when there was a major test, and sometimes not even then. However, because attendance was a key factor in grading - above a certain level was an automatic failure - I ended up flunking the 10th grade. Shortly thereafter, I moved out of my mom’s house, and ended up living with my father (a long story in itself.)

I moved to North Carolina, determined to make a fresh start. Because of differences in grading systems and requirements, I was actually put into the 11th grade instead of kept in 10th. However, the mid-year adjustment, the emotional turmoil that I was in, and the same key problem that kept me from being able to do my homework meant that I was soon doing the same exact thing - skipping classes, not doing homework, and forging signatures. Again, I just barely squeaked through on my ability to do well in every other regard, and made it to my senior year.

My senior year marked a significant turning point for me. With a better home life, and the freedom I hadn’t had in my previous environment, I did a lot better - to the point that in the first semester I was a straight A student. The years before, the only A I had ever gotten was in ROTC. My average was somewhere in the neighborhood of C, C-. But I turned things around.

Unfortunately, it was too late. A talk with the guidance counselor revealed that even if I passed all my classes, and took 2 summer school classes, I’d have to go to school for 1 more year - for one credit. There was no set-up that would allow me to finish the one credit and leave - I had to do another year. Disappointed and fed-up, I dropped out of high school, and attended a program at the communtiy college that allowed me to attend an indepent-study program that would give my diploma (instead of a GED, which I dreaded). I talked it over with my dad and we agreed it would be for the best. I graduated on schedule.

It took a long time for me to identify what the problem was, and I may still be wrong. But I think the biggest part of it was, my life was so out of control, and my mother and step-father so restrictive, that homework was the one thing I had figured out how to control. I could not do it - and go to very great lengths to get away with it. And so that’s what I did. I also think it was a desperate plea for someone to notice that something was seriously wrong. I was making the biggest fuss that I was capable of without actually being “bad”, in the hopes that someone would help me out - even if it meant sabotaging myself in the process.

It has affected the rest of my life greatly - instead of going to college on a scholarship I surely could have won, or getting into the Air Force Academy which was my dream*, I ended up struggling hard to get to where I am now. But I have finally overcome that for the most part, although the same problems still exist. I’ve just learned how to cope with them a little better.

Could my parents have helped? Possibly. They refused to see my problems as anything but intentionally being disobedient and lazy, and I honestly wasn’t. At the time, I did not actually conciously decide not to do my homework. I did try very hard, many times, but simply found myself unable to do it. They decided I was just bad, and treated it that way. The change of lifestyle that I found when I moved to my dad’s made my life a lot more my own, and suddenly I had control over things I never had before - very basic things that most teenagers do have control over. I think that was what marked my turnaround -suddenly I didn’t have to use homework as a tool for manipulating my life in some way.

I’m not saying your son’s reasons are at all the same - I have to think that they’re not. But I feel for your son, because I think I know somewhat what he’s going through, and it really is very difficult. I wish I had some advice on how you could help him. For me, moving to my father was an improvement, but it doesn’t sound like that would be the case for your son. My only advice (plea?) is to try hard to work with him, talk to him non-confrontationally, and understand him, and maybe understand that he probably isn’t doing this because he’s lazy or stubborn or bad, and that a big part of him really, really does want to do better.

Sorry for the length.

24

I also wanted to add (because, you know, I haven’t said enough) that his claim to want to go live with his father is probably more a gut-reaction to the fear of the trouble he knows he’s going to be in after having been caught out.

(Also, I left a hanging asterisk on the Air Force Academy remark. My ROTC colonel (knowing the complete sordid tale) actually went to great effort to try and help me get into the Academy despite my previous academic failures, to the point that immediately turning around my grades would very likely have gotten me in - except I wasn’t able to make that turnaround soon enough, so I blew my chance.)

25

If your ex is not even taking phone calls, it’s a pretty good bet that having your son stay with him is out of the question. Your son probably doesn’t appreciate this - and no doubt he’s idolized his absent father. But it might make you feel better knowing that it’s a remote reality.

One thing I read (which seems to be true with my kids) is that at every life stage a child goes through the trauma of divorce all over again . As they get older they become able to appreciate it on different levels. So even though the separation was relatively easy when your son was 5, he is now wrestling with his feelings all over again.

I’d second having your son talk to a therapist and also trying to get as many positive male role models into his life as possible.

26

sheerah, your story really touched me, because something really similar happened in my family.

Your situation is almost identical to what my mom had to go through with my little brother. My mother was very determined my brother and I get a good education. She was a very active participant in our education; always willing to help us with our homework, or to just sit down and talk about the anxieties we were having. At the time, my parents had been divorced for a couple of years.

My father never took education as seriously as my mom did. My mom helped him through college, and even though he worked as a nurse for many years, I never really considered him a bright bulb. Asking him for help homework-wise was always answered with “ask your mother” :smack: . The problem with my dad is that he wasn’t really willing to help in any way, but expected us to get great grades. Now if my brother and I were highly self-motivated, this wouldn’t be a problem, but we weren’t and the fact of the matter was that both of us needed outside assistance, be it tutoring, summerschool, etc. I spent a larger portion of my childhood with both parents, and so I was able to be at least self-motivated enough not to be flunking classes (granted I could have done better, but overall I was a ‘B’ student).

The problem with my brother was that he was even less motivated than I was. I found out much later that my brother had an inferiority complex and thought I was much smarter than him; this made him hypercompetitive around me and he never ceased to immerse himself in pursuits I sucked at/never tried (sports, for example). My mom spent a lot of time with him to help keep him on track. With my mom’s guidance, he did okay. But like your son, my brother wanted to live with my dad.

My brother thought that my dad would let him get away with more. My brother was impulsive and materialistic, and since my dad was much better off financially my brother saw this as a more ideal situation. However my mom was really concerned my brother’s grades would tank if he lived with my dad. My brother, of course, thought my mom was just manipulating him into staying with her. Fast forward to present day:

All my mother’s concerns were well-founded. My brother is in high school but constantly failing classes. My dad is a poor disciplinarian (Last time my brother flunked a class, my dad punished him by taking away his driver’s license for a semester. However this meant my dad had to get up 2 hours early just to drive my brother to school. In the end he gave him the license back simply because the punishment was too much of a hassle for my dad :rolleyes: ) and when I talk to my dad it really sounds like he’s over his head with my brother.

27

I just have to respond…This is so similar to what’s going on.

I’m very restrictive with him. I always have been. And it’s always worked for us. He was always a well-mannered, polite, responsible boy until this school year. Grades were never before an issue with us.

The first grading period, he made about a 2.8 gpa-- not up to his normal standards but I thought was acceptable for such a period of flux (in this area, sixth grade is at a different building with students from other areas attending, not like his elementary school). Anyway, the only reason I was upset then is because he told us (myself and my boyfriend, and my mother) that he was doing so well in an advanced math class. We had cautioned him that if he felt lost or wasn’t confident in that class to let us know and we’d deal with it. We didn’t want him to fall behind. Again, he assured me that he was doing wonderfully in that class and until his teacher phoned me on Columbus Day, I believed him. His average in the class was a 62. She was worried he would suffer for that in next year’s math and would be bumping him back to the sixth grade math he should have taken instead. From that point on, it’s been a battle.

I’ve grounded him and taken away his video games. He also lost his skateboard after he lied to me about the last grading period. He knew those would be the consequences if he failed to bring his grades up. Instead, during the second grading period, they dropped even lower. It’s not that he’s bringing home Bs and Cs. He’s bringing home Ds and Fs in classes he’s very skilled at. And, according to the two teachers yesterday, it’s because of his homework and classwork grades. I just don’t know what to do.

I called a couple facilities for counseling. They’ve not yet called me back with an appointment. I’ve cried all night and most of the morning. (It’s difficult to look professional between sobs. ) Right now, I feel like our relationship is broken and I don’t know if it’s repairable or not. I can’t be an effective parent if I feel like he’s tying my hands with this “I want to live with dad,” threat. But yet, it would break my heart for him to leave. And I really don’t feel that he would do better with him. I just can’t imagine he’s much more of a parent now than he was before…

Anyway, thanks for the votes of support. It helps knowing that other people have gone down this road before. Thanks.

28

Crap. Again I forgot to ask-- Tell Me I’m Not Crazy (which, by the way, I feel like I need to be using as a screenname today), what can I do to make life better for him at home. Ease up on the restrictions? What do you wish your mother and stepfather would have done? What made things so much easier when you lived with your father?

Your post is really helpful.

29

While I am not saying that your restrictiveness (and our definitions are probably very different on this) is a cause at all, I just wanted to mention that just because there was never a visible problem before doesn’t mean it isn’t a problem now. As I mentioned, my problems really started in the 6th grade, and I think the timing of that was largely due to the fact that I grew out of the stage where kids just do what is expected of them, to exerting whatever influence they can. Before then, I just did what I was expected to, because it never really occurred to me that I could be otherwise.

30

Long Time First Time I just wanted to say thanks, it’s not often I read a post that says everything I want to say but just can’t quite figure out how to.

Finding out that kids continue to react to a divorce over and over was a bit of a revelation to me, too. I always figured that since my boy was 8 months old when his father and I split up, how could he actually miss what he’d never known? But they do, every time they see some idolized commercial where the Dad buys a minivan because he wants to be ‘That Dad’ that coaches little league, every sitcom or cartoon with a full complement of parents, etc.

He hasn’t so much as emailed Dad in a year, he’s not missing Dad but the idea of Dad. Not much can be done about that, particularly since Dad himself isn’t showing any willingness to change things, but it’s still worth writing Dad about. Very few of us would be able to throw away a handwritten letter that comes unexpectedly, curiousity would be just too great, give it a try. Hopefully, by not even bringing up the insurance benefits but just going with a “here’s what’s going on in the kids life, I’d like your opinion” Dad will respond. Out of sight too often equals out of mind, so remind him. Give him an opportunity to do something good, without having to go thru the icky stuff he’d rather avoid, Dad might just come thru.

Not for nothing, but for the fellows reading this that might have the spare time, consider getting involved with a Big Brother program in your area, please! I’ve wished for a male role model for my boy for years, especially as he’s got some ADHD/Asperger’s issues to contend with along with the missing Dad stuff, but the programs in my area just don’t have nearly enough Big Brothers to go around. They wind up using the few they have on the kids who’re more “at risk” than others, and my income being above poverty level knocks my kid out of the at risk category. I looked into Boy Scouts years ago and was told that my child couldn’t join without a male relative willing to do the overnight camp-outs and such, perhaps that isn’t a rule but just what the leader decided, it meant my kid couldn’t participate regardless. My son would rather build with legos than deal with mosquitos anyway, so he was rather relieved at the time.

Sheerah please don’t beat yourself up, this isn’t a failure on your part at all. When I think back to how much I lied to my parents as a teenager, it makes me shudder. I wasn’t inherently evil for doing so, and neither are our kids. You and he will get through this, just like you’ve gotten through every difficulty before. Just when we get the hang of things, they grow to a new stage and throw us for a loop, ain’t it fun?
My email’s available and so’s my IM, I’m here if you want to vent or cry or bitch or just commiserate, really.

31

About the homework issue, something worth looking into might be a gifted student program. Does your school system have a program like that? Get him tested, anyway. The fact that his test scores are high means he IS learning, he’s just ignoring what he might well view as an insult to his intelligence/capabilities.

I went through a similar period. School was BORING BORING BORING and homework, in particular, seemed like a complete waste of my time. I wasn’t learning anything from it (in my view at the time), I was just performing stupid tasks like a monkey for teachers who already knew what I was capable of. So I just didn’t bother with it. It really helped to have assignments somewhat tailored to what I could do, rather than what the class was doing. Same lessons learned, just presented in a way that challenged me to rise to the occasion.
It also helped with a lot of my anger issues and the tantrums I used to throw.

My two cents, for what they’re worth.

32

It’s tough to say, because I really do think that our definitions of restrictive are probably really different. I wasn’t allowed to do anything, really (before I had given them a reason to restrict me, I mean) - never went to a friend’s house for dinner, never did a sleepover, wasn’t allowed to do any before or after school activities (band, chorus, etc.), or do any of the healthy, normal stuff that kids do. There was a lot of other stuff, too, but I think it was all secondary, really.

When I moved in with my father, I was suddenly allowed to do those things, and given a normal amount of responsibility for making the right decisions when I wasn’t in his sight.

I’ve given a lot of thought in the past to what might have helped. I think foremost, if they had identified it as an actual issue that I had, instead of writing it off as being lazy and unmotivated, it would have helped immensely. I forgot to mention in my initial post that I also think a large part of the problem was boredom. School was immensely boring for me as it was, but homework even more so. I always thought that if I could have been part of some sort of study group, where I could have used what I knew not only to do my homework, but maybe help other kids who weren’t as strong in whatever area, it would have made it seem more meaningful and worthwhile to me.

Other than that, I really don’t know. I desperately wanted to do better, but I was simply unable.

33

I came in here with the same advice that everyone has already said, so nothing from me except:

many hugs, a smooch, and a cold beer out on the porch

(I think I do that better, anyways. ;))

34

I made this same remark to my mother at the same age…and then I did move in with my father. My problems were the same as your son’s. I was bright, but not motivated to do well in school. I was constantly in detention for not doing assignments and so on.

My reason for wanting to go was just so I could be with my Dad. It had nothing to do with me hating my mom or anything else. I simply had a longing at that age to be close to my father.

It was the best thing that happened to me. His style of parenting was what I needed. I started to fly straight and everything turned around in my life. I know I can’t say the same for your ex., but you never know.

I would encourage you to give him some room, let him fall on his face a few times and deal with the consequences himself.

I know this is a tough situation for you, as my Mom has told me many times how hard it was to let me go. She has also told me that she now knows it worked out for the best for everyone involved.

Good luck!

35

I now feel even more strongly that it’s very likely he’s having a problem with childhood depression. The symptoms aren’t like those in adult depression–it usually comes out as anger and misbehavior. The fact that you believe you have a problem with depression means he’s more at risk–there may be a genetic factor, and living with a depressed parent can be hard on a kid. Even if you don’t take your feelings out on him, kids can sense your sadness and find it unsettling.

I strongly recommend that you seek treatment for both yourself and your son. If you’ve got questions about what treatment is like, you could post in IMHO and I’m sure a lot of people would answer you. :slight_smile:

I think it’s also quite possible that the father issue is what is eating at him. I know a little girl (only 5 at this point) who has never known her dad (deadbeat, ran away when mom was pregnant). She’s got a great mom, a good relationship with her half-sister, and half-sister’s dad has stepped up to act almost like a stepfather to her. But she asks after her “real father” constantly–“Can he come to my birthday? Can I call him? Where is he? When can I see him?” Her sense of abandonment is acute. My point is that kids can take situations like this much harder than you’d think. To an adult, it seems reasonable and logical that “he never really knew his dad, so he doesn’t know what he’s missing.” To a kid, it can feel like a profound rejection and worries that they’re unlovable. That, coupled with the fact that a teenaged boy usually really wants a father figure, could be what’s going on here.

It could very well be something else. Do you communicate well enough with your son to be able to sit him down for a heart-to-heart? He’s at an age where he can probably verbalize what’s eating at him if you tell him that you suspect he’s angry or upset about something and that the school problems are him trying to show it. Take an open and loving tone. You sound like a good, concerned mom. If he is willing to cooperate, I bet you’ll do a good job of talking to him. It might take him awhile to open up–let him know he can come to you to talk.

Can you tell I’m a psychology student? :slight_smile:

36

This is exactly what I was like when I was his age, depressed, and acting out. I was a teacher’s dream in class. I got As on my tests–and Ds for homework, because I rarely did it. The inconsistency doesn’t rule out depression. In fact, it’s a noted phenomenon that younger kids with behavior disorders, and kids with milder behavioral problems–whatever the cause–often only act out at home.

37

I don’t have any brilliant advice to add, but I was in a similar situation (as your son), i.e. my father was basically a nonparticipant in my life after my parents divorced; even when I went to see him, we always did things that his girlfriend wanted to do. I can’t remember ever doing anything with just the two of us, and I was often left at home to my own devices while they went out and did stuff.

A few points of note:

While hormones and adolescence might be a part of his problem, my guess is that a big chunk of it is the apparent rejection by his father. If anything, he’s looking for some response–discipline, boundries, attention–from dad, but because he’s not around, you get the brunt. Kids often try to play one parent off on another, but since you’re the only one around you get to be both the intended antagonist and defender (kind of a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde), which is kind of a screwed up role for the both of you.

Is there a male role model–not a boyfriend or romantic interest of yours, but an independent example–that he can look to? An uncle or neighbor that you could enlist in the role? How about checking out Big Brothers? I’m sure you’re a good mother, but he needs a man to identify with and ask “guy” questions of that he wouldn’t ask of you. Believe me, he needs this. I know I did, and I didn’t get it.

Counselling is a good idea, but I had pretty poor experience with it as a kid. I wasn’t open to the idea to begin with, and the matchup of a counsellor to a particular kid dependent on the qualities of both participants. Just because you like a counsellor doesn’t mean he’s the best for your son; make certain that your son participates and has an active say in what decisions are made regarding counselling. You’re the parent, of course, and you’re footing the bill, but don’t pull the “This is what you’re getting and that’s that” routine on him with this particular issue, else he’s not going to open up to or accept any insight or advice from the counsellor.

This is a tricky one, but you need to explain to your about son what is going with his father. It’s tough, because you don’t want to defame the dad (even if he is deserving of it) but on the other hand he deserves and needs to know why Dad isn’t sending presents, returning phone calls, or participating. Don’t lie or sugar-coat it. It’s an issue–a big one–and if he doesn’t work through it and understand now that its not his fault he’ll be paying for it later in all sorts of ways.

Do your best to get the kid involved in some extra-curricular social or sporting activity. Going from my experience, school was a real drudge, made so much worse by the fact that going home wasn’t any kind of relief. He has to do his homework, of course, and I can’t speak against your efforts to make him do it, but he needs some structured activity to socialize and have fun, to make going to school and doing homework worthwhile, not just hang out with friends in the parking lot of the Quik-E-Mart (if he does that.)

Good luck to you.

Stranger

38

This may have nothing to do with the homework problems, but being dumped off of his father’s insurance, despite the fact that it’s court ordered, may be a very big slap in the face for your son. He may not even realize that it’s something affecting his mood. When the councelling gets going, it’s a subject that needs to be discussed. Have you reported his father’s failure to supply insurance coverage to the court?

You have my sympathy. My sons also acted out at about that age. I went into councelling with the first one expecting to feel horrible about revealing what a bad mother I was and was pleasantly surprised with the amount of time spent talking about their absent dad. An absent dad is never a small thing, especially if it’s a dad who could choose to be there, but doesn’t.

Oh, and ditching the kid because he doesn’t want to talk about the insurance is just cowardly.

39

This is an excellent idea, and should really be a part of how you try to help him. Big Brothers can be a great choice because you know that the person is making a long-term commitment to making sure he spends time with the kid. And they’re often young men, which would likely make your son feel more comfortable asking him stuff and hanging out with him.

40

We had many of the same problems with ourt oldest, starting at age 11, then getting worse in middle school. Teachers used terms like “gifted” and brilliant and then we had to watch as her grades went down, homework went ignored and things got generally weird.

It turned out to be adolescent depression, as has been mentioned earlier in the thread. But having a diagnosis doesn’t end the problem. We went through rounds of counseling, group therapy, medication – you name it. Nothing worked the first time, or even the second. It was a process of trial and error to find the right counselor, the right group, etc.

My only advice is to get aggressive. Start with the school counselor and your doctor, and work your way out from there. Insist on an evaluation – if for no other reason, than to eliminate any health problems (physical or emotional) from other possible causes.

Does your school have a Homework Hotline? That way you can check every day to see which teachers assigned homework. If not, it’s a good time to suggest it. Also, work with the teachers to share information via e-mail. It often works out better than endless games of phone tag.

You and he will get through this, but it will take some time.