This post may be lengthy, but I just have to report in on how this day has gone.
First of all, I spent the better part of the day weepy and unconsolable at work, fearing that as soon as my son came home from school he would demand to call his father and pack his bags to live with him. It consumed my thoughts all day and therefore made me pretty much worthless in the office. I made an appointment with a counselor (next Thursday was the earliest I could get in, but I guess that’s better than nothing) and spoke with several friends who offered their empathy. I left early to meet my son before we were to go to the parent-teacher conferences.
When he walked in the house, I took him by the hand, sat him on the couch and explained that although sometimes I get angry, I love him very much. I told him that regardless of the grades he brings home, I will always love him and thank the powers that be for seeing me fit to have such a wonderful son. And, I explained, that while I am disappointed with his grades, his lying is what breaks my heart. I tried to convey that as bad as the situation may appear, lying only makes it 10 times worse. We can deal with anything, I told him, as long as we can deal with it honestly.
I hugged him and told him I was sorry for losing my temper with him yesterday. I spoke to him in anger and I shouldn’t have. I apologized for screaming when I should have been listening. He hugged me and apologized for “things he said” and the lying. He never mentioned the “living with his father” threat or even his father at all-- and, while it may be cowardly, I’d prefer to avoid that topic for the time being with fresh wounds and all…
Anyway, so we (boyfriend, my mother, myself, and son) drove out to the parent teacher conferences where we spent, get this, 2 1/2 hours talking to his teachers. Every single one of them, from English to Math, from Social Studies to Reading, every single one of them referred to him as “bright” or “intelligent.” His only problems are the homework, and notebooks that he must keep for most of his classes. The teachers explained that a few of his friends were in the same classes and therefore the boys had to be separated. This seems to be a large portion of the problem. None of these boys have stellar academic careers, so it seems to be a trend among this clique. Organizational skills, the teachers inferred, would improve his grades tremendously. I gave each one of the teachers a business card listing my work phone, fax number, work e-mail, home e-mail and home phone and asked them to please, please contact me for any reason at any time. I stressed that I want to do everything I can to make their job of teaching my son easier. Every one of those teachers thanked us for being interested in his education.
We also spoke with the teacher in charge of having students tested. I explained that I’d like him to be tested in case he has a learning disability such as ADD/ADHD or for the gifted program. They began the paperwork tonight and I’ll send some back tomorrow. They hope to have him tested within the end of the month. It may not do much good for the remainder of this school year but at least I’ll have an idea where we stand with his aptitude.
Also, my son was a willing participant in these conferences. He offered up whatever he could to his teachers. He thanked each one of them for talking with us this evening. He asked what he could do to bring his grades up and if they would help him during their free periods. They all said they would.
When we finally arrived home, we ate supper together and then worked on his homework. We did worksheets in science, math, and social studies. Studied for tests in Reading, Social Studies and Science. And we began compiling the information he needs for his workbooks in English, Social Studies, Science, Math, and Reading. His health class, music and art grades are in the mid-90’s so we didn’t focus so much on those classes tonight, not that he had anything assigned (I asked the teachers) in those subjects anyway.
To answer a point made by several posters: we don’t have a Big Brothers/Big Sisters organization in this area. The closest one is about an hour’s drive north. However, a friend of mine has a good-natured, A-B earning son, 15-years-old who wants to earn some spending money. I spoke with that friend today and asked if she might broach the subject with her son to see if he’d like to “tutor/mentor” my son a couple of hours each week. He wouldn’t necessarily have to tutor him in any particular class, just mainly spend a couple of hours after school one or two days a week to make sure he does his homework, while at the same time providing an older male influence for my son. She thought her son would be agreeable but will give me an answer later this week. My son really looks up to her’s (thinks he’s just the coolest thing ever!!!), so I think that might be a great avenue to vent some of this pre-teen anxiety. It also helps that her son is also from a single-parent, absent-father home so they may bond over that too.
And I offered my son a couple different options this evening. Instead of doing homework from 3:30-5:30 p.m. like we had established after grades began tanking, I told him I understand that he’s been cooped up in school all day long and that he needs free time to unwind in the afternoon. He promised he would do better with his homework and notebooks so I offered to allow him to have free time until 6 p.m. at which time he must come inside, eat supper, bathe and begin homework.
We’re also going to explore a non-competitive, Sunday-only soccer league program that starts next week, an after-school science club that he seems interested in, and possibly band or choir. He also expressed an interest in art, so I told him we’d look into art lessons by one of the instructors at his school.
We ended the evening by taking the dog for a long walk, during which we talked about the day’s events and what we can do to be a better, more loving and effective family in the future. I told him, I don’t know what I’m doing either. Babies don’t come with instruction manuals, so I fly by the seat of my pants each and every day. He piped up that they do make “Parenting for Dummies” now.
I’m sorry this is so long, but I just simply had to share how much better this day has been as opposed to yesterday. Yes, he was dishonest and yes, he’s made promises before, but I think we may have helped the situation by talking to his teachers together, as a united group.
Thank you so much everyone for all the posts, good vibes, support, advice and ideas. I’ve loved the Straight Dope since the late 1990’s, but have rarely posted because I felt I had nothing to say. Last night, when my despair was overtaking me I desperately needed someone to turn to. I turned to the 'Dope and you didn’t let me down. You were my life vest during this very turbulent time and I thank you for throwing out a rope for my to grab during my darkest hours. Thank you…
