The special word for the behavior described in American English is “teenage girl”. And the word for the OP’s description is “worried parent”. What I see described, taking into account the filters of both the OP and the therein reflected (all reflections are at least slightly distorted) teenager is a mother and daughter who love one anbother struggling to separate from one another, as is necessary and healthy.
What you see is apparently something else. But I do not see anything in the OP suggesting that the child does define herself by whether or not she has a boyfriend – I see her mother saying she is worried that she might do. I see the the therapist saying the child is ready for the child to socialize without her mother’s guidance, and I see the mother not entirely agreeing, and I see a child 14 years old weeping because she does not know how to get a boyfriend on her own. I note that there is no mention of a father, siblings, or other family input. Since I have a 10 year old child who regularly socializes without my guidance, I have a somewhat different take on what may be going on here than that the child is simply boy crazy.
This is in no way intended as a criticism, I actually know very well (far better than I would like really) how enmeshment dynamics occur. And I know that they can work out very well in the end – enmeshment occurs for a reason and can be very healthy, as long as it ends when the need is no longer present. However, it can be quite a process to get through, as most births involve some degree of struggle and pain.
Did any of them ever socialize without their parent’s direct supervision? It seems to me reasonable not to know how to get a boyfriend if your mother, without whom you have not been allowed to socialize, thinks it is great that you are having trouble in this area.
It goes further than that, we didn’t see “getting a boyfriend” as a goal. We were interested in meeting people, some of us were interested in some day getting married, we were all interested in going to college. “Getting a boyfriend” was an eventual necessary step for those who were interested in marriage, but given that we wanted to go to college, it wasn’t an urgent one at all.
And m.j.'s daughter socializes without her mother’s direct supervision as much as quite a few of my 14yo classmates, that is, in school and no more. We started going places without the parental units in 9th grade, but for most of us, all socialization until then had involved the parental units and very often the (very) extended family. Doesn’t mean we wouldn’t have been humiliated out of our skins if we went to the movies with friends and our relatives came “separatedly” and sat right behind us: a mixed parents/children group would have been common at 14, though.
You really have no way of knowing whether they did or not. Presumably the OP’s daughter is doing this crying in the privacy of her own home, not in front of her friends. In my hormone-addled youth, I cried plenty over shit like this, but none of my friends knew it because I’d never tell them so. My parents knew, though.
m.j., It’s understandable that you’re concerned, and it’s good that you’re keeping an eye on the situation AND that your daughter is seeing a therapist. Despite the challenges she’s already faced, your daughter isn’t really going through anything unusual. Plenty of girls – like me and a few others in this thread – went through a stage like this and grew up to be confident and capable of having mutually respectful and delightful relationships. Learning that you DON’T have to value yourself based on what other people think of you is a huge part of growing up.
At 14, most girls are consumed with their peer-group status. She’s at the age where peer-group status has recently expanded to include boys. It’s hard. It sucks. She’ll get through it, and then she’ll get over it. Especially with the help and support of level-headed adults.
As for what activities. She’s always been in something. For forever English Horseback Riding Lessons or Dance and Soccer. Recently she has joined the drama department & is taking music lessons. Though she hasn’t been very excited about either, kinda half hearted. But I will keep looking until I find her nitch. I also work non-profit for Meals on Wheels part time and allow her to come along with me from time to time to do charity work.
On a commment above…She doesn’t read the sparkly vampire books, I am a Joss Whedon fan so I am morally opposed to it. But, she does watch the movies, much to my protest.
As for the subject of others. I have a boyfriend who is quite serious. Her biological father is around, but has only in the past few years decided to do so. He was mostly a flake her whole life, and even now tends to be a racist and a flake. So she has little affection for him. I remarried and had another child who is still quite young (a boy) & that INDIVIDUAL was the one who recently abused her (legal action was of course taken). So she’s had a bad run with male rolemodels. My boyfriend now has been seeing me over a year and she likes him, he’s the closest she has to a “Dad”. But she keeps SOOO many walls up. We’ve always been so close. I probably am to worried and causing more problems than I am fixing. But, I worry that my “trusting in the world” before is what allowed my child to be hurt. I just don’t want my bad choices in the past (like who I choose to marry) to be the things that ruin her life. I want to help her heal from the pain, as I feel so responsible. And I don’t want to send her out unprepared.
The therapist worries too. She doesn’t know my child is ready either. She just worries that we can’t protect her from herself forever. And giving her some freedom will show her that we trust her. I did not always escort her to the mall and everywhere. I started dropping her off this year, and going shopping elsewhere myself. But, that’s when my daughter crossed some boundaries that were unsafe for her. We had to “shorten her leash” a bit, until we felt it safe for her to make smarter decisions… and not be lashing out so badly from the pain she is going through… as the abuse was recent.
I know my whole story is complicated. That’s why it’s so hard for me to know just what to do. But I love all the advice and different perspectives. It gives me alot to think about when making choices about my actions.
I just want to second making sure that she has access to contraceptives and understands what sex means. I really didn’t at that age and made a lot of mistakes that I now regret.
Even if you think they don’t have the time alone to be up to something, they will find a way. Especially children who have been sexually abused.
