Engagement Rings

In My Humble Opinion
21

There’s certainly no law saying an engagement ring has to be a diamond solitaire, or any kind of solitaire for that matter. But you need to consider durability if you’re thinking of a non-diamond engagement ring. Most women, AFAIK, wear their engagement rings all the time. Choosing a stone that is too likely to be damaged is a bad idea (particularly if you know she’s a klutz who won’t buy an expensive watch for fear of breaking it, like me). There are two issues for gemstone durability- scratch resistance and shatter resistance. Diamonds do well in both of those categories, which is probably one reason why they are popular.

Scratch resistance is measured by Mohs scale of hardness. Here’s a chart showing typical hardnesses of gemstones I’ve heard that sand (which is mostly quartz, with a hardness of 7.0 on that scale) is what’s most likely to scratch a stone in a ring.

Another issue for gemstones is toughness, which is basically resistance to shattering or cracking. It’s independent of hardness- sapphires and rubies are less hard than diamonds (9.0 vs 10.0 on Mohs scale), but are tougher (although diamonds are very good from a toughness perspective as well). There are stones that are high on the hardness scale, but not in toughness- emeralds and topazes are examples. There are also soft stones that are very tough, such as jade.

Apatite is probably not a good choice for an engagement ring. It’s soft (5.0 on Mohs scals), so it’s very likely to get scratched. Its toughness also leaves something to be desired for a ring for wearing every day. An aquamarine would probably be a better choice if she likes the color.

My engagement ring is a sapphire with small diamonds. I also wear a garnet ring on my right hand that Mr. Neville gave me as a wedding present. They seem to have held up pretty well to a few years of the Ultimate Klutz Challenge…

22

I don’t think so, but my opinion here doesn’t count for anything- your girlfriend’s is the only one that does. Personally, I think it would be extremely foolish to go into debt to buy an engagement ring (only slightly less foolish than going into debt to have a big wedding- at least the engagement ring does last longer than a wedding…). I know I’m a heretic for saying this, but the important things about an engagement ring are the relationship that it symbolizes and that it’s an attractive ring, in that order- how much you spend on it isn’t the important bit. The idea really isn’t to put a dollar amount on how much you love her…

If your girlfriend is OK with it, you don’t even need an engagement ring. My mom’s mother didn’t have one, and still managed to be happily married for 58 years. They quite obviously loved each other, right up until they died, and all without any engagement ring…

I’ll sixth (or so) the recommendation to bring your GF along with you when looking for an engagement ring. Jewelry shopping is FUN for a lot of women (even more fun than shoe shopping, IMO), and most of us don’t get many chances in our lives to shop for a ring in the price range of an engagement ring that we will be wearing every day (most of us only have 10 fingers, after all…). I went ring shopping with Mr. Neville when we picked out my engagement ring. It meant I didn’t get a romantic surprise proposal with a ring, but I enjoyed the ring shopping experience enough that I wouldn’t trade it for that.

23

I have a friend who helped pick out the setting for her engagement ring (the diamond was an heirloom). She still got a romantic? surprise proposal, with a cheap ring from K-mart. And I’ve got another friend whose engagement ring is a family heirloom from her side of the family–so no ring shopping there–who had a romantic surprise proposal.

Go shopping. You might be surprised by what you can get for a thousand dollars.

And if you aren’t, talk to your girlfriend about what an acceptable alternative ring would be. Or, depending on when you anticipate the wedding taking place, you can wait and save money, or make other choices.

24

Epimetheus - You may want to look at Moissanite rings. From what I’ve read they are second in hardness only to diamonds and if they are cut well are just as brilliant. They look to be very affordable. These might also be a good choice for women who like the look of diamonds but not the history behind them.

25

Okay, being as I’m from there, I’m here to laud the wondermous Canadian Diamonds, funding 100% less warfare!

26

Yes - and they’re awfully nice too, if you like diamonds.

27

My engagement ring is an opal. We picked it out together, and I can’t remember the last time I wore it. I’m not much of a jewelry person.

My daughter’s is a colored stone, but for the life of me, I can’t remember - I think it’s green. She, like I, doesn’t like diamonds.

Lots of good ideas in this thread.

28

That’s true. I was married before and I guess my husband wanted to get me something nicer or bigger than I had but honestly I feel like one of those old ladies in Miami when I wear mine. It’s huge and to me flashy and not my taste at all. I feel sort of bad about it but rarely wear it except if we go out. I’ve had people ask me if it was real. It’s not that big but I have skinny fingers so maybe it looks bigger.

I hinted that I wanted one of those eternity bands and got one for Christmas and it’s just as bad. It makes me feel horrible and ungrateful but I rarely wear any rings at all.

Sileus is right, let her pick it out.

29

I might take up on the suggestion of letting her pick it out. That might mean looking more like a cheapskate than I’d like, but it is something we should discuss. We have already discussed marriage, talked about a good time for it, and all of that. So it wouldn’t be a huge surprise.

As for the marriage re: financial situation… I don’t think I want to wait until I am 35-40 to marry. I am going to be 30 this summer, and I will be in school until next summer. We were talking about getting married after I graduate and a year engagement isn’t unheard of. As for waiting until I can afford it? Unless I strike it rich, with my student loans, wedding costs, purchase of a new house, new (to me, used likely) car (mine is falling apart now), and various other costs, it will be 40 before I have “spare” money to dump 3-5k on a shiny piece of metal worn around, begging to be stolen. I think she is aware of this, but I’d rather invest 1-2k on a ring, and the rest on our student loans or the wedding.

This sounds sad, but I gotta say it plays a small part… She is a virgin and is waiting until marriage. I think she wants this as bad as me, and I’ve been with her for a year now, and anything more than no sex for another whole stinking year will kill me. Call me shallow if you will.

30

First - realize that you are NOT reinventing the wheel here. That was the advice the jeweler I went to gave me, and I took it to heart. It’ll save you time and agony over which one to go with.

There are THOUSANDS of variations on the same relatively few themes when it comes to engagement rings. Single stone, 3 stone, diamond, non diamond - when you put things in broad categories like that, you start finding that the small differences in one ring vs another are miniscule and almost irrelevant.

Second - its either a real diamond or its not. I looked into Moissanite when buying an engagement ring but went with cubic because Moissanite is still NOT a diamond, and therefore just as worthless as the cubic on the 2nd hand market. If your GF wants a diamond, then get a diamond because it is what she wants. If she doesn’t care (I was lucky), save your $$ and get cubic, and spend the money on a more desirable band or setting. Moissanite was several times more expensive then cubic when I looked at it, and still not a ‘real’ stone - so getting it is pointless.

Third - I agree with everyone who said not to break the bank on this. Getting married is expensive.

31

Yeah… too expensive perhaps. I’m not the type to get nervous about commitment or anything, but considering I’ll already be in debt around 50k for student loans, and my debt to income ratio is already way too high, parents not being rich, etc, I don’t see how it is going to be possible.

I’m not liking waiting…

32

Uh, what exactly do you think the second hand market is for diamonds? It’s crap, that’s what it is.

Additionally, it’s a little gross to worry about the “second hand market” when you give somebody an engagement ring. Just IMHO.

33

For anyone who is thinking of an engagement ring as an investment: It isn’t. You aren’t going to get jack for it in the second-hand market. Just buy a ring that she thinks looks nice and would like to wear.

On the subject of the second-hand market in engagement rings: for people looking to save money on one, especially if you want something fairly conventional, pawn shops may be a source to check out. If you are looking for something unconventional, you might consider a jeweler that sells antique or estate jewelry. They have a lot of beautiful rings that aren’t just a standard diamond solitaire. All this, of course, assumes that the woman you’re buying the ring for isn’t squicked out by the idea of getting an engagement ring that might have been somebody else’s engagement ring before it was hers. Don’t lose sight of the fact that finding something she will like that doesn’t break your budget is the main objective here.

I wouldn’t try to hide the cost of the ring from her, either. I know it’s unromantic for her to know, but… She’ll need to know at least the appraised value to get an insurance rider (something you should absolutely do- my renter’s insurance, at least, wouldn’t cover a ring over a certain cost without one). And budgeting for and deciding on a major purchase together is good practice for something you’re going to have to do every so often once you’re married. Money is a huge source of fights in too many marriages, and it’s good to know going into marriage whether or not you’re on the same page with your future spouse on money issues.

34

No reason why you have to wait. Especially since you’ve stated that you will be 30 this summer–your previous comments just referred to the Poor College Student bit, which made me assume you were more like 20. Twenty year olds can be encouraged to wait. I suppose older people can be too, but if you are 30 you are much more likely to have accomplished my mother’s ideal that you have lived by yourself for a while, not just with parents and in college dorm arrangements.

But mostly, if you get married, your finances will be her finances and vice versa*, so talking about priorities as well as dream rings is a good idea. There are many women out there who put down payments on houses, or paying off debt, or good cars above fancy jewelry. And there are many who don’t.

*Admittedly, couples deal with financial issues in a wide variety of ways, including attempts to keep “his money” separate from “her money”.

35

This is excellent advice (and the parts I didn’t quote too). I just went through this over the last month. I HIGHLY recommend getting her involved in picking out the ring, because no matter how much you like it, it won’t matter if there’s something she doesn’t like.

What I did, to make it a “surprise” was I made an event out of it (her birthday was in February, so it disguised it as a big deal birthday), giving her a series of gifts with clues over several days and finally proposed to her without a ring. Over the next month we researched and settled on a custom jeweler and designed the ring from the ground up. After we designed it, she wasn’t allowed to see it, until I did the whole traditional romantic proposal with ring at our engagement party. I thought it gave the best of both options.

To add to what was said above: I can’t emphasize enough how important cut is. Most diamond cutters will adjust the cut a little bit to maximize the carat, because they sell by weight. We compared an excellent cut to an ideal cut (maxium rating), even though the color and clarity were lower on the ideal cut diamond, it was definately more beautiful. Obviously clarity is next, but depending on the size of the diamond, you can sometimes get away with a bit lower clarity on smaller diamonds than on larger ones. Similarly, color isn’t a big deal until it gets really low or the diamond gets larger or it’s next to a higher color diamond. Finally, carat only matters based on how big her finger is and how much you want to spend.

My fiancee had gone in thinking the “tradition” was a 1 carat diamond , and looking more at color and clarity. When we stuck a 1 carat diamond on her hand, it was gaudy, and oversized (she’s a little on the petite side). The central diamond we ended up selecting had an ideal cut, and ended up being .76 carats (if I remember correctly), VS1, G/H (don’t remember the color) and was FAR more beautiful than even many of the excellent cuts that had VVS1 and E color; plus, it was about half the price.

Another thing, I noticed you liked the three stone setting; we did too. However, all the rings in the stores had the side stones about half the weight of the center stone, and we thought they looked bad. We ended up with two ideal cuts with slightly lower clarity (looked identical to the eye), that were about a third the size and found it was much more pleasing aesthetically. In fact, the custom jeweler we selected was the one who initially made the suggestion that we picked smaller side stones.

The setting is also important to consider; if she likes the silver look, I’d suggest staying away from white gold because it yellows over time because it’s plated. Platinum is the “optimal” choice, but it is VERY expensive right now. A good compromise we chose was palladium; which is about the same cost as white gold, but most of the properties of platinum (actually a little more durable to scratches, IIRC). If you go that way, the jeweler still recommended platinum prongs for reasons a chemist would better explain (IIRC, it was something like the atomic bond is strong within platinum than in palladium, which means the prongs won’t “wear down” as quickly".

Anyway, to sum up, I HIGHLY recommend going to a custom jeweler and designing the ring together. It was an enjoyable experience, we got exactly what we wanted (better than we expected, in fact) at about HALF the price of what we would have spent at a jewelry store (which still wouldn’t have been as beautiful), and the whole time my fiancee was grinning ear-to-ear like a kid in a candy shop. IIRC, I believe we picked the jeweler from a list of ICGS certified jewelers.

36

This is what my engagement ring looks like.

Except it is not from Tiffany’s and it is made of white gold. We got it from a store that had the knockoff design. I wear a size 8 ring and the stone is a 1 carat, so it looks pretty proportional in the setting and on my hand.

IMHO, a lot of people get all worked up over the engagement ring. I knew a girl once who said she would turn her boyfriend down for marriage if he didn’t give her something in platinum and bigger than 1 carat. I read that as “gold digger” an distanced myself form the poor deluded soul. Marriage is supposed to be about love, not how much you can get out of it.

Other people I know have gotten beautiful alexandrite (a form of chrysoberyl) rings, aquamarine, no stone and plain out fake and cheap.

You should know what she likes, we picked mine out together. Like others have suggested, get her involved. It you want it to be a surprise, get her mom/sisters/friends involved.

If you are set on getting a diamond, get educated about them so you don’t get screwed. I have noticed that a majority of the “chain” stores sell sub par quality diamonds that are way overpriced.

Oh, yeah and that “two months salary” is a load of crap.

37

Do you really feel that a ring is necessary? Seriously? It has to be diamond and it has to be a precious metal? Why? If you can’t afford it, why bother?

Macy’s and Penny’s have CZ rings for under 8 bucks. Get her a nice pretty looking (albeit fake as shit) ring now. When your finances get better, then you can buy something “real” if you decide.
Why go into debt for something so trivial as jewelry?

Definitely! You dont want to do want I’m proposing (he he he) if she is not on board with it. But really, the whole diamond rings and wedding ceremony are kinda silly things to waste money on if you dont have it.

I never got my wife an engagement ring. She currently has three wedding rings. I have bought her at least 5 over the past year and a half. She has lost a couple, and hardly wears others. But she can match her ring to her mood or her clothing or whatever. If she gets sick of it or bored with it, she can get a new one. If she loses it, who cares. Goes down the drain? Oh well.

Want to wear gold today? Put on your gold solitaire? Silver? Put on the silver gem set. Whatever.

I dont wear any ring at all, and she wears whatever ring goes best with her clothes. I’ve spent a grand total of maybe 110 dollars on rings. Only one of them was over 20 dollars. Two were under 12. Who cares? Every day we’re together we are happier than the day before. Every minute we’re apart I miss her like crazy. We’re incredibly happy together and enjoy each other’s constant company!
And we get to spend our money on more important things like travel, amusement parks, going out, having a good time, etc.

ETA: Not that I have anything against people who spend a lot on wedding rings. If you’re sentimental or traditional or something, go for it. If you have the money, then more power to you. But if you’re broke, or have other priorities, there is nothing wrong with going a different route than a 4K ring.

38

if you are near arkansas, you could dig for your own diamond, or other stone at crater of diamonds park.

39

I have done scads of research on diamonds. For the birth of my first child I got a 3-stone diamond ring.

In order of importance (to me anyway):

#1 Clarity - nobody wants a cloudy or black-flecked diamond.

#2 Carats - buy the largest you can comfortably afford, keeping other points well in mind. Also consider the size of your ladies’ hand. Huge diamonds can look really tacky on tiny hands.

#3 Hi Opal!!! Yes, it’s tired, but what the hell - I LIKE Opal.

#4 Color - yellow tinged diamonds suck. Go for a color between E and I. Ultimately I’d love a C or D, but my F’s and G’s look just beautiful in their setting.

Check out diamondsafe.com. There’s a wealth of info, you get certifications, they grade the diamonds and they’ve got good prices with a great return policy.

Good luck & congrats!

40

Just a few more pieces of advice:

  1. Look at a bunch of diamonds before you plunk down your hard earned cash. The differences will become obvious.

  2. Never buy a diamond from a dimly lit jewelry store. If there isn’t enough light for a proper examination through my jeweler’s loup, I assume the jeweler is hiding something.

  3. Ask to look at the stone under the gemscope, and crank it all the way up. If they are not willing to let you do this, move on to a different store.

  4. Do not buy a diamond sight unseen from an online source that will not give you a money back guarantee in writing. If you buy online, have the stone appraised by a reputable jeweler immediately! (I can tell a diamond from cubic zirconia with a 10x loupe. Can you? If not, get it appraised!)

  5. Under no circumstances buy from somebody selling a diamond on Ebay.

  6. Take your lady along during this process. It can be fun.

  7. Be careful of hype: My wife and I saw a three stone ring at Tiffany’s in Kansas CIty. It had a one carat emerald cut in the center, and a 3/4 carat emerald cut on each side. The center stone was pretty nice, but one of the side stones was obviously of lesser quality. The price: $78,000.00. Back home, My regular jeweler and I were able to put together a much nicer package, with three really nice stones for $22,000.00. $56,000.00 dollars added to the price to be able to say you got it from Tiffany’s seems a little steep.

JMESHO