Enterprise vs. Star Destroyer

Of course, the Enterprise wouldn’t WANT to lay waste to entire planet (that’d be barbaric… hehe…).

As for the “asteroid smashing into the bridge” bit in ESB… I chalk that up mostly to the filmmaker’s desire to create a really cool-looking effect for the camera (and they were right, weren’t they?). And Tracer was right… in one of the Star Wars books (I don’t remember which one… if someone REALLY wants, I can dig it up) it’s mentioned that the asteroid belt in Anoat (the system it all took place in) was an extremely dense field.

The ISD can easily just come straight for the Enterprise and blast it to all hell, before Picard even gets them on any hailing frequencies. In an episode, i imagine (and i’m really sick for doing this) that tie fighters buzz around the Enterprise blasting bits and pieces here and there, confusing the hell out of the Enterprise crew and forcing them to have a meeting in the ready room about predicting a pattern where they could strengthen their shields where ever the fighters attack, meanwhile, Darth is trying to lure troi into his bedchamber using the force, making her think she feels his feelings as genuinely good and compassionate and compelling her to give up the secrets of the Enterprise, he lets his General still standing loose to attack the Enterprise with the ISD rays while signaling for the DeathStar to rendevous with them at those coordinates to finally anihalate the E. Troi falls for it, but not before Riker gets jealous and goes on a solo mission in a runabout to try and board the ISD where he happens to bump into the falcon and Han, sees the princess and decides a little sidetrip to the utility closet is in order. Data figures there is no pattern and gets a subspace band message frequencied to only his ability to hear it with his positronic brain from R2D2 about the working innards of the ISD. The princess knees Riker in the groin, a storm trooper happens upon them and holding phaser to thier heads, is joined by several other troopers where they are taken to the jail cells over the ships garbage disposal system. Han and the wookie run around the ISD playing tag. Picard decides he will not give up, and requests to open hailing frequencies again, meanwhile, Geordi has lost his visor in an explosion in engineering because in all this time the ship is being blasted to pieces, and all the security officers aboard the ship are dead by now. Storm troopers board the ship and gather everyone back to the ISD where standing before Darth, they watch as the E is shredded and burned, while Deanna is scantilly clad aside Darth all aglow with smiles at her new hard hatted friend. Riker is brought before them in chains with the princess, Deanna smirks at him having thought something happened between them, Picard demands to have a message sent to the Federation, Darth chokes him until Worf lunges in to bite Darths neck, but breaks some teeth on the helmet. troi says something about sensing much discord in the already tense atmosphere sorrounding the crew’s discomfort. She pets darts head, Darth flings Worf back a few hundred feet into the wall, whips out the saber and cuts off Geordis hands and says, “Ha, you are blind and handless now foolish Federation officer!” Data makes a move but is held back by Picard, Darth finishes to choke Picard and Picard slumps dead on the ground, troi cries and leaves Darth, Riker follows after but is held back by the chains.

The Deathstar arrives, and is ordered to destroy earth if it doesnt’ accept Darths rule.

To be continued…

Enter Darth Vader with Picard’s head on a pike.

“Lord Vader…Lord Vader…Sir, we have that ship in sight again.”

Darth Varer awoke with a start, still seated in the command chair of his ISD. Beneith his breathing mask, a wry smile touched the corner of his lips as he considered how the encounter with these “Federations” had really gone.
“Very well, close to attack range.” The ISD had detected an unknow ship entering the sector from an unknown sector of space. It had identified itself as a “Federation” starship, the U.S.S. Enterprise. It’s Captain, an inane being named Picard, had prattled on about interstellar cooperation and so fourth, that Vader had felt compelled to reach out and choke the idiot. Beings with such a weak code would surely then surrender, after seing their leader killed from a distance.

Darth sighed again. It haden’t hapened. The Enterprise had wheeled and disappeared from his screens in a burst of light. Darth had felt his grip on Picard slipping, and then gone. He knew that, baring a great deal of luck, Picard would have survived. The Empire’s scientists still weren’t sure what method of travel the other ship had used to escape, except to state that it was not hyperspace, but perhapse a simiar phenominon. They had been able to track the other ship, though, and Vader had been following it for days, determined to have this new drive for the Emperor.
Vader stood, and strode to the front of the bridge.
“This time they shall have No chance,” he said. " launch all Tie fighters, ready all weapons! Captain, how long until we are within range of that ship?"
" Ten Minutes, Lord Vader."
“Excellent…” Darth broke off as the Star Destroier lurched. He looked in amazement at the screen as the Enterprise attacked his ship from ten times farther away than he was capable of firing! A succession of projectiles was striking the ISD, and from the sound of things, doing quite a bit of dammage. He heard reports of the destruction of the bridge shields, and the efforts of the technitions to fix them. Nevermind, he HAD to strike back.
" Navigator! I want a Micro hyper jump to put us right up against the other ship, hear? They may be powerful, but we outgun them by a sizable factor. Weapons, stand by to fire everything we have. NOW."
“Damage report, Mr. Laforge!” Captain Jean-Luc Picard fought his way across the smoking bridge of the Enterprise as systems struggled to compensate for the massive attack they had just absorbed. “Data, evasive pattern Omega 3! Put some distance between us!”

“Captain! We were hit with primitave laser weapons, but with an incredible number of them. Shields are down to 68%, The warp core is offline. I’m realigning the injectors now, we should have warp drive in 2 minutes.”

" Make it so, Geordie. Data, whats the tactical situation."

" I am evading most of the enemies weapons, sir, but believe there is only a 47% chance that I can continue to do so for more than 5.3 minutes."

“We only need 2 minutes. keep it up!”

{{{I’ll finish this story later today. I know how it’s gonna turn out, I just don’t have time right this second-Dave}}}

“Lord Vader, we have them in range now!”
FIRE WITH EVERYTHING WE HAVE! (Lieutenant, make sure Bell is covering our ships insurance…) NOW! RELEASE ALL TIE FIGHTERS!

“Captain, LaForge here, i’ve got it online, i think we have enough power for warp…”
“Thank you Geordi, Deanna, wake up, you’ve wet the chair again, Riker, shave, i don’t want you looking stupid when we meet with this fashionably outdated fool they call Darth Vader. What kind of name is that anyway? Is that Jewish? he doesn’t sound Jewish…”
enter Data- “Captain, i believe i have traced the origin of their ship, it dates back to what i can only describe as far far away, a long time ago”
“Very well Data, Geordi, give me everything you’ve got, Helm, Engage, Full Warp!”
worf-“Captain, i am preparing our security officers for an encounter, do you have any suggestions?”
“No Worf, get lots of vulcans and Klingons, and any andorans, if it comes down to it, we need to beat them, and Data, figure out how we can defend against their weapons and still maintain an open channel so i can discuss peace with them as motley as they are…”
Troi- “Captain, i just had this wonderful dream about a very ugly white man with the voice of a very distinguished black man trying to save me money on my calls home to my mother, you do remember my mother don’t you Captain?”


“Lord Vader, we have them in range now!”
FIRE WITH EVERYTHING WE HAVE! (Lieutenant, make sure Bell is covering our ships insurance…) NOW! RELEASE ALL TIE FIGHTERS!

“Captain, LaForge here, i’ve got it online, i think we have enough power for warp…”
“Thank you Geordi, Deanna, wake up, you’ve wet the chair again, Riker, shave, i don’t want you looking stupid when we meet with this fashionably outdated fool they call Darth Vader. What kind of name is that anyway? Is that Jewish? he doesn’t sound Jewish…”
enter Data- “Captain, i believe i have traced the origin of their ship, it dates back to what i can only describe as far far away, a long time ago”
“Very well Data, Geordi, give me everything you’ve got, Helm, Engage, Full Warp!”
worf-“Captain, i am preparing our security officers for an encounter, do you have any suggestions?”
“No Worf, get lots of vulcans and Klingons, and any andorans, if it comes down to it, we need to beat them, and Data, figure out how we can defend against their weapons and still maintain an open channel so i can discuss peace with them as motley as they are…”
Troi- “Captain, i just had this wonderful dream about a very ugly white man with the voice of a very distinguished black man trying to save me money on my calls home to my mother, you do remember my mother don’t you Captain?”


“Lord Vader, we have them in range now!”
FIRE WITH EVERYTHING WE HAVE! (Lieutenant, make sure Bell is covering our ships insurance…) NOW! RELEASE ALL TIE FIGHTERS!

“Captain, LaForge here, i’ve got it online, i think we have enough power for warp…”
“Thank you Geordi, Deanna, wake up, you’ve wet the chair again, Riker, shave, i don’t want you looking stupid when we meet with this fashionably outdated fool they call Darth Vader. What kind of name is that anyway? Is that Jewish? he doesn’t sound Jewish…”
enter Data- “Captain, i believe i have traced the origin of their ship, it dates back to what i can only describe as far far away, a long time ago”
“Very well Data, Geordi, give me everything you’ve got, Helm, Engage, Full Warp!”
worf-“Captain, i am preparing our security officers for an encounter, do you have any suggestions?”
“No Worf, get lots of vulcans and Klingons, and any andorans, if it comes down to it, we need to beat them, and Data, figure out how we can defend against their weapons and still maintain an open channel so i can discuss peace with them as motley as they are…”
Troi- “Captain, i just had this wonderful dream about a very ugly white man with the voice of a very distinguished black man trying to save me money on my calls home to my mother, you do remember my mother don’t you Captain?”


Just as Troi begins to get an odd feeling that they’ve repeated the same actions several times in a row, which Data thinks might be due to some odd wormhole-spacetime warping effect, Vader watches from a section of space which doesn’t violate the laws of physics and orders the final turbolaser barrage fired on the puny vessel, destroying it instantly…

…but time folds in on itself and the starship reassembles.

“Lord Vader. Telephone, Sir. It’s (snicker) Your Mother.”
“Rats”, mutters Darth Vader, slaying the messenger, “Just when I’m having fun!”

Oh, hell. Nevermind. I was trying to be “serious” ( so to speak. I guess i’ll have to think of something goofy now.

my apologies for the triple play, my mac at work was slow and stuttered some, my pc at home is feeling way better now :slight_smile:

oh and…

HOW THE HELL COULD YOU HAVE BEEN TRYING TO BE SERIOUS???
i thought i was sick. :eek:

…but time folds in on itself and the starship reassembles.
“Damn!” muttered Vader. “This region of space isn’t supposed to intgerfer with the laws of physics. Oh, they’re in THAT region of space.”

“Lord Vader.” an attendent approached. “Telephone, Sir. It’s (snicker) Your Mother.”
“Rats”, mutters Darth Vader, absent mindedly strangling the messenger with the Power Of The Dark Side, “Just when I’m having fun!” He winced as the telephone smacked against his helmet.
“Hello, Mom…Yes, I remember how you taught me to drive…” He nodded vigorously “and kept me safe from the robots…Mom, I’m REALLY busy now, I have ships to destroy, planets to crush, races to enslave, that kind of thing…What do you want, a medal?”
Vader angrily hung up.

That’s odd, Vader thought. I thought my mother died back in Espisode II. And what in Palpatine’s name is a “telephone”? Is it anything like a comlink?

weirddave: As far as I’m concerned, if the Star Destroyer manages to knock out the Enterprise’s warp drive, even temporarily, the Enterprise is space dust.

“Wait a minute!” Vader crushed the telephone, “My Mother dead in Episode II calls, Episode II not yet filmed, I destroyed the Enterprise, but I didn’t, my comlink is…was…a telephone…A parallel universe/time warp/whatchmacallit! Oh how I hate this Trek stuff! Am I the “real” Darth Vader? Oh, perfidious Albion…err, Trek!”
Vader put his hand in his pocket and began angrily pacing back and forth.

All the stress has made Captain Picard sweat, and the entire bridge crew is blinded by the light reflecting off his bald head. Riker stumbles into the turbolift which takes him down to gunnery control. He falls into one of the photon torpedo launch tubes. Up on the bridge, Data, who’s electronic eyes have been short-circuited due to the massive amounts of reflected light, accidently presses the “fire” button. Riker is launched out and splats against the ISD’s forward viewscreen. Vader orders the window wipers to be engaged. He then orders Tractor Control to lock onto the Enterprise with all tractor beams and spin the sucker around until everyone onboard is profusely ill. After several minutes of intense rotation (creating so many G-forces that the inertial dampers weren’t able to completely compensate), everyone on board the Enterprise is rendered blind and nauseous. A squadron of TIE bombers is sent out, and their full salvo of missiles shatters the Enterprise’s forward hull like it was cardboard. The final few blasts from the Star Destroyer’s turbolasers melt the entire saucer section (fortunately, the entire Enterprise crew had been flung into Engineering from the forced rotation). Before the Star Destroyer could obliterate the rest of the ship, Q shows up and puts everyone on trial. However, Darth counter-challenges Q to a game of sabacc, which he wins easily (Darth is quite the gambler). Q gets so angry that he slams his foot into the ground so hard it gets stuck. He tries to pull his foot out, but only succeeds in ripping himself in half. The resulting explosion from the death of a Q disintegrates the remainders of the Enterprise, but the Star Destroyer safely escapes to hyperspace with only a bit of structural damage and a few lost fighters that weren’t able to get back into the hangar in time. On to Cardassia!

Picard blinked. Maybe it was the reflection from his head.
“Mr. Dater, what was that?”
“The Queen of hearts, Sir.”
“On the viewscreen, you idiot!”
Data hastily mimimized the Freecell game and studied his instruments. “A time temporal frontal lobotomy, Sir.”
“Caused by a tachyon pulse?”
“No, Sir. This area of space does not allow the laws of pysics to be altered, and we do so frequently.”

There was a flash and a figure with a helmet and robe like his own appeared next to Vader. “Murphie murph. Murtle marph.”
Q tore the helmet from his head. “How do you BREATHE in this thing?” He demanded. “Don’t worry about this time
stuff. I’m omnipotent, and frankly even I find it a bit
tiresome at times. But you’ll get to mince Jean-Luc and his
minions all over again. It will be two mince in one!”
“Candy mint.” muttered Vader resonately.
“Beg pardon?”
Vader raised his hand towards Q, whose eyes began to buldge.
“Later, Smiley.” A flash and he was gone.
“I hate Trek.”

“Captain,” Troi spoke hesitantly, from confusion or a too tight uniform.
Picard rolled his eyes. “Yes.”
“I am sensing a great anger, a huge hatred.”
“Well I am damn mad!”
“Not from you, Captain from…long ago and far away.”
Picard frowned. “Directed towards whom?”
Troi’s usual blank, glazed expression turned into a blank,
glazed fron. “At…Ron Moore.”

did nobody notice “Serious” was in quotes? We need a tongue in cheek smiley. :rolleyes:

my stomach hurts from too much laughing, and my girlfriend is finally convinced of my dorkdom.

thanx.

on to some BOFH coloumns for the cool down.

good work fellas. :smiley:

After about the 50 quadrabillionth time that the Enterprise has gone through the cycle of being destroyed and then reassembled…

Troi: Captain, I sense we’re stuck in a temporal time rift, causing us to loop through a cycle of destruction.
Picard: What can we do about it?
Data: Well, sir, if exactly at 4.598 seconds after the temporal rift occurs, we should be able to reprogram a photon torpedo with a time-altering warhead and fire behind us, so the next temporal rift will close the next time we are destroyed and reassembled.
Picard: Make it so.
Wesley: Sir, I have a role to do…I’m supposed to screw everything up right about now!
Picard: (Sigh) launch him with the torpedo.
Wesley: AAAHH!!!

Aboard the ISD…

Captain: Lord Vader, we appear to be stuck in a situation similar to that of Groundhog Day!
Vader: That was a great movie…
Captain: We need to find a way out or we will be eternally blasting the Enterprise to bits over and over and over and over again.
Vader:…I’d really like to rob a bank and not get in trouble…and I wonder what it would be like to die and be alive the next day…
Captain: Let’s ask the Enterprise what it feels like!

Aboard the Enterprise…

Picard: Damn that Wesley! He threw the torpedo off course…