ENTERTAIN ME! Pleasepleaseplease Entertain me!!

I’m at work. It’s a Friday night. I’m totally freekin’ board.

PLEEEEEEEEZE entertain me.

Jokes - welcome.
Witty Tales - welcome.
Goofy stories - welcome.
Insults - ah what the hell - welcome.

pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease

uh

http://www.somethingawful.com/cliff/ihateyou

That is the biggest cat I’ve ever seen.

::blinks in wonder::

Come on people - keep it coming - I’m about to slip into a coma here…

<music from “The Stripper”…bah ba dah da… bah ba dah da…bah ba dah da…bah ba dah da…bah bah…da da…da da…da da…da da…da da…da da…da da…dah dah…dah dah…dah dah…ba…ba…ba…<clothes all off<

How’s that?

Excuse me while I go get another beer <G>

That is the biggest cat I’ve ever seen.

::blinks in wonder::

Al.

[sub]had to be done[/sub]

Things my girlfriend and I argue about

Kiwi fruit is a very serious business.

Disgruntled employee site

http://www.actsofgord.com

And tech tales from hell

http://pebkac.net

http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid

Horray - horray!

You guys are awesome…

** Don’t squat with your spurs on.

** Don’t interfere with something that ain’t botherin’ you none.

** Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

** The easiest way to eat crow is while it’s still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

** If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

** If it don’t seem like it’s worth the effort, it probably ain’t.

** It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

** The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

** Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

** If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

** Don’t worry about bitin’ off more’n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.

** Always drink upstream from the herd.

** Generally, you ain’t learnin’ nothing when your mouth’s a-jawin’.

** Tellin’ a man to git lost and makin’ him do it are two entirely different propositions.

** If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there with ya.

** Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

** When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.

** When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

** Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back.

** Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s sure crucial to know what it was.

** The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.

** Never miss a good chance to shut up.

<sigh> Aint that always the way…

Here’s a joke a ten year old told me today:

What’s green and skates?

Peggy Phlegm

Reeder…with your permission, I will cut and paste your “Cowboys Guide to Life”, print it out and post it on the bulletin board in my office Monday morning. Hell…that’s the best I’ve ever heard!

Please feel free. It’s stolen anyway.

:slight_smile:

Hatten är din and its translation

Romeo and Juliet for the 1337 (freakin’ hilarious!)

A fun flash site with many games and “instructional guides”

Funny recaps of recent TV shows

Japanese products with interesting descriptions

A man walks into a bar, a duck under one arm and a slaami under the other. he turns to the bartender ans says…

My dad’s recommendation:

Alien Abductalizer.

First, FUB, thanks for the links, I enjoyed them (and am currently in mostly the same boat as our dear alice. Not quite the same boat, though, or we could both take our clothes off and have a good time, oh yeah. Or we could dance and party all night, and drink some cherry wine… sorry, feeling particularly parenthetical this evening)

Now for my inane contribution, which shall be brief*:

Source: Through the Looking Glass and What Alice Found There, by Lewis Carroll, 1872.

For some reason this verse pops into my head whenever I am lucky enough to see alice’s name here.
[sub]*For I am just to go home, get a good night’s sleep, then journey to sunny Florida tomorrow. Yippee![/sub]

Ah, Shibb. You are truly my favorite…

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I’ve read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I’ve noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present…

The Top 100 Things I’d Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
Edited to 25 for length - full list is here: http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html

1.My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2.My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3.My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4.Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5.The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6.I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.

7.When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, efore you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say “No.”

8.After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9.I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

10.I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum – a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11.I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12.One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13.All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14.The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15.I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16.I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”

17.When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18.I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19.I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.

20.Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21.I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22.No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23.I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way – even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless – my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24.I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25.No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach.