So I decided today to turn to the Dark Side. It wasn’t that bad a day, but lots of little niggling annoyances. Enough that I was in a rotten mood by the time I got to have a late dinner. Then… it happened.
Part of my chicken parm sandwich DELIBERATELY jumped off the bread and slid messily down my nice white shirt AND onto my kakhi dress pants.
That was it. Then and there, I decided to become a pestilence on society. They will all pay for what they have done to me. SDMBer’s excluded, mostly.
So I got to thinking about what tools I already posess that will help me become really evil:
I’m already a PE teacher. Big head start there.
I own a riding crop, a unicycle, and a banjo.
I’m a licensed pilot… (OK, not funny these days)
I have a 1.7 ghz computer. That’s got to be good for causing some kind of mayhem.
So how do I go about this? I’ve always been a pretty nice guy, but now I’m ticked off. What can I do that would be really evil?
The mind boggles. Can you play the banjo while riding the unicycle? If so, you are next up as a supervillain in a Batman movie. This will vastly improve your street rep as an Evil Genius.
I also recommend slapping people lightly with the riding crop. When they turn around to chastise you, whang them upside the head with the banjo. (I know those suckers are heavy.)
1)Visit your nearest airport (have to use the PE ability somewhere)
2)Run to the plane (PE experience should give you a small advantage over those fatty pilot types)
3)Fly over Canada (they don’t expect much evil there)
4)Perform some nice gymnastics on the wing to attact spectators (that PE skill being doubly useful)
5)throw off all the equipment you own.
6)while everbody is distracted and saying things like “never seen a flying unicycle before” or “how many strings does a banjo have?” they dont notice the plunging 1.7ghz computer that kills them all dead.
To quote, if I may, from the Evil Overlord CEO’s message:
I mean, how can you go wrong with that kind of dedication to the cause? Need more convincing? Well, here’s some of the quality advice you’ll get from Evil Overlord, Inc:
Isn’t that amazing?! How many prospective Dominators Of The Universe have been defeated by transparent bids to their egos? Well, with Evil Overlord, Inc. on your side, never again will pansy goody-two shoes types trick you into revealling you master plan! Sign up today, and you’ll get, at no additional charge, this link to your very own Evil Overlord Callendar application, available for Newton PDAs (and if that ain’t evil, I don’t know what is!).
You must perfect the evil laugh. Whether you choose “Mwahaha”, “Bwahaha”, or “Wahaha”, it doesn’t matter. As long as you have that certain “I’m so maniacal I can’t be in the same room with myself” tone to your voice, you’ll be perfectly evil.
One good laugh and everyone will be convinced. You don’t even have to kick puppies.
jessica
First and foremost among the things an evil person must do is evil. Surprisingly, most people new to evil forget this. It’s all well and good that you dance around cackling maniacally and hand out business cards with “Licensed Practitioner of Evil” on them, but you’ve got to thwart the forces of good every once in a while to keep the title. I’ll give you some easy beginner suggestions.
[ul]
[li]Walk through a meeting of diabetics eating handful after handful of sugary candy.[/li][li]Buy (or steal, for an intermediate challenge) a bucket of chum and carry it around with you. If anyone asks why you’re carrying around a bucket of chum, splash some of it on them.[/li][li]Hand out kitten-bombs to underprivileged children.[/li][li]Get a cape. I can’t stress this one enough.[/li][li]Volunteer at a children’s cancer ward, and use hand puppets modeled on biblical characters to explain why cancer is God’s way of saying you’re going to hell.[/li][li]Hide (very large) pairs of women’s underwear in random cars. The same technique works with ball gags and leather hand restraints in someone’s desk at work.[/li][/ul]
The main thing is, though, to be creative. Don’t think you have to do large, spectacularly evil acts. You can fill your quota with lots of small depredations, or qualify as evil just by tolerating those who do evil!
As a long-time evildoer of some standing (sigged my e-mails “Evil Mastermind” since '96!!!), let me give a few hints … most of these have worked splendidly for me.
*Always be right. Anyone interested in correcting or refuting you is not trustworthy, and therefore an enemy.
*Corrupt the innocent. “C’mon … it’ll be fun!”
*Be mean. (Those kids were really, really sorry they tried to sell me their rotten lomonaid!!!)
*Be miserly.
*When thwarted, drink heavily.
*Shower your underlings with false hope. Candybars a plus.
*Even when developing the most flawless plan, concurrently prepare for ultimate revenge.
*Visit nearby hospitals and take the screw out of people’s crutches.
As you can tell, this can be an exhaustive list. I’ll be back later when I think you have these figured out. Bad luck …
For starters, Grok, do you happen to have a goatee? The first step to being evil is getting down the Mephistophelean look. I second Trucido on the cape. You’ll also need a suitable evil companion animal a la Mr. Bigglesworth.
Now, for more evil acts:
Always eat the last cookie in the package. Even if you don’t want it. Then leave the package in the pantry for some hopeful cookie-lover to find. Revel in ensuing disappointment.
Reveal the surprise endings of movies you know your friends want to see.
Tell small children there used to be a real Santa Claus, but he got a fatal case of food poisoning from the milk and cookies some child left out for him.
Hold up long lines at the supermarket by demanding the cashier honor a coupon from 1987, and then getting the manager involved.
Walk around saying “Damn, your ass looks fat in those pants.”
Whoever got Geobabe to make this promise was really evil.
Ahem. As one of the leaders of EVO (the Evil Villains Organization), I can offer these tips:
Always expect treachery from the upper echelons. Treachery comes from lowly minions, too, but is generally less fatal.
Find someone appropriate to be the Mistress of the Dark Overlord. A bureaucrat may be your best choice.
Forget the goatee. They’re passe these days.
Prepare quasilogical reasons for your inexplicable survival of various death scenes ahead of time. This allows you to return in a glorious flourish of poorly-reasoned exposition. (“You fell into a pit of lava!” “They’re doing wonderful things with asbestos these days.”)
This message brought to you by the EVO Council on Education: Preparing the youth of today for the horror of tomorrow.
I said this in another thread, but it seems like it would work for Grok.
When on a crowded elevator, sing “It’s a Small World” to yourself. Everyone will have it stuck in their heads all day.
And Ballybay – your idea for eating the last cookie and leaving the decoy package is something Mr. Seawitch does all the damn time. It’s like living with Beelzebub.
Now I’m trying to remember who that was. Somebody at the Upper West Side Dopefest back in May. Not to worry, though, I was still plenty evil that night. Yes, I was.
