TO: EPA Federal Triangle Complex Employees
Over the past several days, employees may have heard of incidents occurring in certain employees’ work stations regarding an apparent deposit of human bodily fluids on computer keyboards and work areas. Members of OARM’s security and health and safety staffs have brought in the Federal Protective Service (FPS). In addition, affected employees and their managers have been briefed. I wanted to share appropriate information with all of you to try to minimize fear or confusion.
We take these incidents very seriously and our primary concern is the safety and security of all of our employees. Our security and health and safety staffs have involved the FPS and obtained the assistance of other Federal law enforcement entities regarding protective security and other appropriate measures. The fluids have been analyzed by professional forensics laboratory staff and do not pose a threat of health risk. Nonetheless, our immediate goal is to stop any recurrence and to identify the responsible individual.
I imagine there are a few mortified male individuals at this particular EPA office, at the moment.
I keep picturing a crew in full haz-mat gear at some guy’s work station.
The moral of the story apparently is, if you work for the EPA, visit
bigjugs.com when you get home.
Good Lord, please just let it be snot.
Perhaps they’ve all been reading
The Onion and were so overcome with mirth that they spewed their vanilla shakes all over the keyboard area.
…this would be better
Spooge is worse than snot. I can’t explain it, it just is.
I’ve gotten breastmilk on my keyboard before. Pumping ain’t always neat, you know.
Whew. I thought you meant just from sitting there.
Well, that can happen too. Never underestimate the power of breast milk
You’re right. Maybe a cow-orker is pumping breast milk onto their keyboards and work areas.
Sure it’s not from someone "splort"ing their beverage while LOLing?
HEY, take that back!
Oh, wait a minute…
This is why I have one of those plastic keyboard-protector thingies on my keyboard.
If the aim is bad, you just wipe… er… nevermind!
Those Russkies have to stop leaving their precious bodily fluids on government computers. We’ll have to call the head of the EPA to stop this. I have no money, but I think I can shoot the lock of that Coke machine.
If I don’t get Christie Whitman on the phone, I’m gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola company.
Do I look all rancid and clotted? You look at me,
mobo85. Eh? Look, eh? And I drink a lot of water, you know. I’m what you might call a water man, mobo - that’s what I am. And I can swear to you, my boy, swear to you, that there’s nothing wrong with my bodily fluids. Not a thing, mobo.
Maybe he mistakenly hit the “paste” key.