Estranged elderly relatives

[AncientHumanoid]

Yeah, the “Greatest Generation” folk in my extended family are the wisest, strongest, smartest, bestest in any way out of all the other family members. Never mind their failures, foibles, inaccurate knowledge, weaknesses, even outright hatreds. You RESPECT them! :rolleyes:
The rolleyes are for my family, btw, not anyone in this thread.

[Robert163]

1- are they bad people, apart from being racist?
2- are they going to be racist towards your daughter?
3- is a series of superficial visits worse than them dying away still estranged?

if you can answer no to all three, then, you should see them. granted, it’s a tough situation to be in.

[Dr.Drake]

@Blackberry

My mom wrote them a letter several years ago about me (about their unfair treatment of me [and that was a big step for my mom because she does NOT like conflict with her parents]) and they never responded. I just feel like the ONLY option we have for a relationship is VERY superficial. There’s nothing I can do about that no matter how much I may want to. But to just choose NOTHING over that? How do I not feel guilty about that?

That’s my point: you’re engaging in your half of the correspondence at a level that isn’t too superficial. They’re not going to do the same, but knowing you’ve done the right thing, and met them more than halfway, should help with the guilt.

You don’t feel guilty because they are superficial, do you? How on earth could you do anything about that? You can’t make them be someone other than who they are.

[ASGuy]

@Rachellelogram

You can’t do this. She’ll find out one day, and 14 is old enough to handle it (unless you somehow think she’s never dealt with racism in her life, which is *beyond *naive).

I don’t think you owe your grandparents anything, but you owe it to your daughter to let her meet them while she’s old enough to remember it.

I agree completely with this, especially if the grandparents live long enough, and your daughter gets old enough, to interact and challenge them on their beliefs.

[mark24c]

Lifes too short

[Sam_I_Am]

@Blackberry

She has known my grandparents for her whole life. It’s just never been a relationship based on anything genuine.

I guess it’s just hard for me to be the one refusing to be fake-polilte, when everyone else is willing to be. My grandparents are not bad people and we were close when there was nothing to have conflict about. But ever since there has been, we do, and they are certainly not willing to discuss it and never will be. So it is impossible to be close to someone under those circumstances. But I just feel really bad about it. I feel like I should call them every few months and have a fake pleasant conversation and ignore everything real. But I just don’t want to.

My final reason for cutting all ties with my parents was the potential consequences of that kind of “fake” relationship. I want better for my girls. I want them to know that if anything goes wrong in their lives, they can turn to anyone we have a relationship with, friends or family.

Seriously, my parents were the king and queen of brushing things under the rug. I would get invitations like “why don’t you guys come for a lovely thanksgiving, and let’s not talk about your sibling’s (recent) suicide attempt for the weekend”. We were expected to pretend to be a happy family all weekend. There was never any discussion of anything that didn’t fit the life they wanted.

[HoneyBadgerDC]

My parents were not outwardly racist but did not really approve of interracial marriage. Once the grandkids started showing up mixed races all that foolishness just melted away. My dad was looking for future sports heros and my mom was looking for future priests and nuns. That little stuff is not always as powerful as we think.