You’re wrong. It is customary but not obligatory and no one should EVER feel that they are required to bring a gift.
It doesn’t make it a “gift grab” (bullshit term) It creates the sense that you “expect” gifts which is wrong and crass. There is no style of wedding for which gifts are more or less required. The obligation is always the same (none). The chance of “coming out ahead” on gifts is zero in a formal wedding.
And it’s bullshit that couples who are more or less required by family and culture to have a formal wedding are constantly accused of being tacky gift grabbers. In reality, YOU are the tacky one for having false beliefs and projecting them onto the couple who chooses to get married in a style that offends you.
Gifts are expected in the sense of that’s what usually happens, but they’re not supposed to be expected as if they were the price of admission. I shouldn’t exclude my unemployed cousin with three kids because she can’t afford a gift, and I shouldn’t invite her but make her feel like a gift is mandatory. She may feel it’s mandatory anyway, but *I *shouldn’t add to it.
It doesn’t have to involve telephone tag with your mother- there’s nothing rude about the bride or groom answering questions about where they are registered, or shower invitations ( which are not issued by the bride or groom) including the information. The B&G are just not supposed to bring it up themselves. A website with various other wedding-related information (hotel information, other planned activities etc ) seems okay , but a website consisting of nothing but “here’s where we are registered” would still seem tacky.
The hard facts are that the ‘rules’ are flat out simply mostly not observed any more, more often than not. Things like, white dress, only Dad walking bride down the aisle, in church, out of church, showers, a year to give a gift, not taking gifts (unless cards with cash cheques) to the wedding venue, etc, etc. on endlessly.
Those days have mercifully passed, something I should think would be self evident to those about to enter into a same sex marriage! These days people are much freer to do as they wish, in any formulation that suits them, lucky us! So do what you feel, and don’t worry about the ‘form’ unless it matters to one of you.
I have attended a wedding where the bride and groom specified: no gifts please! But it’s not easy to get on board with the idea, it’s so deeply ingrained. Finally the bride began to bluntly tell those who enquirer they’d already selected a needy family to pass all the gifts to! I did not get them a gift. I got over it. I also attended a wedding with no head table just because they didn’t fancy the idea.
Craft it to be anyway you wish, forget the formal structures and just do what makes sense for you and has meaning for you. It’s a new and freer world, don’t make yourself crazy over little formalities of times now passed.
And congratulations, I wish you both all the happiness in the world!
Some customs related specifically to weddings have changed- usually when social changes have eliminated the underlying reasons for the customs. But others have not- I have never been invited to a wedding where there was not a bridal shower (although social changes have often eliminated the reason for them) , and neither have I been to a wedding where more than one or two people brought actual wrapped gifts to the wedding itself. But the registry rule doesn’t only apply to weddings - there are any number of other occasions where gifts are ordinarily given, and the “rule” about providing registry information or wish lists with the invitation applies to them as well ( except for showers which are pretty much meant as a gift grab and are not supposed to be hosted by family)
One thing we did for our registry was to include plenty of options under $10. Some folk really want to give a give a gift, but don’t have a lot of spare cash. We ended up with a lot of bag clips and spatulas
The good thing to know out of all of this is that most of these “rules” will have undoubtedly completely vanished in another couple of decades. And for those of us who just want to give a damn gift because it’s listed on the registry information enclosed in the wedding invitation, we can. Hooray for progress and the leaving behind of pointless adherence to archaic practices that aren’t beneficial to anyone except to show a misplaced sense of propriety!
I’m sorry, I roundly disagree. There is little within American marriage customs I feel has any use whatsoever but this is true etiquette intended to ensure people of lesser means feel equally welcomed as a guest. I hope that never changes.
We made a really simple website for our wedding, which included hotel suggestions, maps, the menu and links to the registries, as well as an online rsvp option. The address for the website was included in the invitation. Then after the wedding we put photos up on the site.
I recently went to the reception of friends married in the UK and was annoyed that they didn’t register at all. I wanted to get them a $20-30 gift, didn’t know what they needed, and didn’t want to give them a $20 bill. We ended up getting them a 4 lb container of Jelly Bellies at Costco and wrote a long, absurd message in the card about the many ways marriage was like an enormous tub of jelly beans. So that’s what you get when you don’t register.
If a couple doesn’t want to register, they probably don’t care too much about what wedding gifts they do get, and would have been equally pleased with a $20 bill or $20 worth of jellybeans.
And finally, there is nothing wrong with asking the bride or groom whether they are or where they are registered. Nothing. The happy couple should ideally say “We’re registered at Target/Macy’s/Big Ed’s Chicken Shack, but really, you don’t have to get us anything!” But to put the registry information on the invitation says “You’re invited to bring us something!”
To receive a birthday party invitation with registry information on it would be horribly tacky, but most people assume that birthday parties will also involve gifts.
I feel strange giving cash to peers, especially if it’s not even enough to go out to dinner. And they told us not to bring a gift, but, relevant to the thread, I simply cannot go to a wedding/reception empty handed. Whether it’s because custom dictates or what I don’t know, but if I come to your fancy event and go to town on the buffet I want to have brought a little something.
The jelly beans weren’t meant to be a mean gift or anything, it was more out of fun, if a little weird. I got one for us, too.
Oh, I certainly didn’t mean to deride your gift! I was just saying that if a couple didn’t go to the trouble of registering, they probably wouldn’t be too pressed with whatever they did get. Lots of couples get gifts they didn’t register for that are in the $20 range anyway–picture frames are hugely popular. Gift cards for restaurants or a pair of movie tickets, etc.
Once I worked a wedding where the couple received (I think from an uncle, possibly?) their kitchen’s “paper goods”–a huge Costco-sized bundle of paper towels, a couple 500-foot rolls of tinfoil and Saran Wrap, a Costco-sized box of trash bags. The couple had indeed registered, but since the registry is only a suggestion and not a legally binding contract of gifts that must be bought, the uncle came up with something else. (The couple was a little confused, but appreciative–I don’t think they had to buy paper towels or trash bags for a year.)
I’m of 2 minds about registries. As a guest, I love them. Really, I do. It makes it so easy to find something in my price range that I know they want or need.
As someone who is planning a wedding, it feels really greedy to even think about setting up a registry. I want the gift of their presence, not their presents.
However, I know that everyone will want to give us something because that’s what people do at weddings. We all want our guests to be comfortable, right? That means that not setting up a registry and letting everyone know about it would be rude.
Bill has set up a wedding webpage that has links to the venue, the hotel, touristy things to do while they are here, etc. as well as a link to our registry. We put the link to the webpage in our “save the day” cards.
We are working with more time than the OP has, though.
Congrats that Maryland has become so rational that you are going to be married, booklover. I’m really happy for you both.
