Etiquette RE: baby showers

In My Humble Opinion
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I realize these are actually at their heart, the closest thing you will find to an adult birthday party (except maybe a bridal shower). They are actually intended to be gift grabs, and people who don’t register are considered to be doing friends a disservice.

That said, I have a friend (he was actually a child I babysat for who later became a good friend, but I consider her a friend now as well, so I guess I should say “friends”) about to undergo a shower for their first baby, and as I understand it, such things are only really appropriate for a first baby.

This couple happens to be well-off, especially for their age, mostly due to wise investing of some inherited money, but their parents are well-of too. Filthy well-off.

They are also environmentalists, and want a “Reduce, reuse, recycle” shower, by which they mean they mostly want hand-me downs from people who have them and wish to pass them on, and from those who don’t, contributions to the food table, or simply their presence as well-wishers-- even advice.

They have asked me, as a very close friend they feel they can trust, to help get the word out, because they know it’s tacky to do so on invitations. They have said they will also not turn down gift cards to food delivery services like GrubHub, or grocery delivery like Amazon (they have prime), because they are sure they feeding themselves in the newborn weeks will be hard.

I asked them if they’d accept me paying for a month of one of their streaming services, and they said they’d love that. I also pledged to walk their dog along with mine for the first week the baby was home. They were so grateful for that, I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t been in a similar situation myself, 16 years earlier.

Anyway, has anyone ever been asked something like this before? do you spread it as though it’s the latest gossip? or do you explain that you’ve been deputized, etc., etc. I imagine it’s somewhere in between, but that leaves me at a loss for words.

2

Have the invites already gone out? Because I really don’t see why it’s tacky to specify this on them, I’d say it’s the exact opposite (i.e. it’s tacky to say on an invitation that gifts are expected/required). Here in the UK it’s common for wedding invitations (for example) to say no gifts please, or that we’ve already got everything we need for our home (in other words: please don’t buy us some piece of kitchenware that will take up cupboard space and never get used) but if you feel you must get a gift, a contribution to our honeymoon fund would be appreciated (or a donation to charity, for really thoughtful couples).

I think wording like this would be well-received and clear:

Please don’t feel you need to bring a gift, all we ask for is your presence to help us celebrate our impending new arrival. If you feel you must, however, in order to reduce environmental impact we would most appreciate any old items you no longer use, or words of advice for new parents, or a plate of food to share - whatever works for you, or nothing at all.

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I just received a baby shower invite - and they did just ask for it - invite was on recycled paper, and was made by friends using various scrapbooking/stamping crafting techniques, little baby and stork stampings in pink and blue, stuff like that. Wording was pretty typical, they wrote “We don’t want to burden Mother Earth by getting tons of new things, handmade, upcycled or previously loved toys welcomed” Nothing about gift cards or chores/tasks/favors [whatever you would call them] but my friends with new kids are usually thrilled to have someone do something for them in the first few weeks home. I stayed with my friend for 5 of her 6 kids for the first month home. I remember how purgatorial up every couple hours for 45 minutes nursing, burping and changing a spprog was!

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My sister had her child a few years ago and had a similar attitude towards baby products. Not out of a love for Mother Earth or anything, she simply found it beyond silly to spend a lot of money for baby stuff like clothes and toys since the kid isn’t going to remember any of it. Even now, my sister tells me not to spend more than $10 on a gift for the kid and loves that my aunt goes to consignment shops to find clothes on the cheap for her grand niece.

I don’t know the proper etiquette for baby showers, but I think it’s great that your friend is making it clear she doesn’t want guests to spend a fortune on baby products. That’s a very healthy attitude.

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I agree that if the invites have not already gone out it’s perfectly fine and even preferred that the info be disseminated via invitation. We all know what a baby shower is for. We’d all much rather know exactly what the parents want than to come bearing something useless.

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Showers are about the only type of party where it’s OK to mention gifts on the invitation - it’s way better to mention that the preferred gifts are hand me downs, books, advice etc. on the invitations than trying to count on a person to get the word out.

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Me, too.

“In lieu of gifts, a donation made to your favorite charity would be appreciated,” or something like that.

It’s also okay for them to specify a charity or three and request that – in lieu of gifts – donations be made to one of those charities.

I’m not a big fan of giving gifts to very well-off people, but neither am I cheap, so donations to worthwhile charities are my go-to.

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I haven’t been asked but when I was young and broke, I kept being asked to baby showers, even though I couldn’t afford a physical gift. I would make up gift cards offering babysitting services of up to 10 hours, good during the first 5 years of the child’s life. In addition, I would provide a fancy dessert or a hot dish (casserole) if given 24 hours notice of the need.

These are things that can really help new parents and no one every told me I was being cheap. I only almost regretted it once, when I babysat a sick infant because his mom absolutely needed to be at work that day (I was between gigs and could do it). The only reason I regretted it was because I developed my first ear infection which has gone on to plague my life. But still, in the same situation, I would do it again without question.

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That’s silly. How is it less tacky than a link to a registry?

It’s a wonderful sentiment and they should feel free to express it.

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Not solicited, and off-topic, but since I’m to OP, well–

I was plagued for decades by the after-effects of an ear infection that resulted in glue ear (fluid in the middle ear way thicker than it needs to be, that slows down the moving parts). It was made worse when I went to a play with a sinus infection affecting the “bad” ear, and a gun was fired.

Short version, by the time I was 20, my Eustachian tubes would collapse because my adenoids would swell so much with any allergy or infection. By 25, they collapsed all the time, because my adenoids were permanently enlarged.

Had them, and my tonsils, removed at age 34. VERY painful for the first 2 days or so, but would do it again. 0 problems with ear congestion, and colds reduced from about 4 a year to “I can’t remember having one, other than a bacterial sinus infection the first year I worked in a preschool, and my one time with COVID-- which itself was WAY more mild than the sinus infection.”

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Well written, @Dead_Cat

Thank you for the off-topic, @RivkahChaya. I’ve got my physical coming up, I’ll add this to my list of topics.

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Interesting, Rivkah. I was in the ER last week, and I was chatting with the admitting RN, and he mentioned that they don’t seem to be removing tonsils like they used to back in my day. I’d glad in your case they did.

My mom also had her tonsils removed as an adult. She told us when I was a kid, that it’s a harder surgery on adults than for kids. Don’t know for sure if that’s true.

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I agree that this would be appropriate, and guests would appreciate knowing what the expectant parents want.

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2 posts were merged into an existing topic: Troll posts April 12 2024