Etiquette when visiting a non-veggie household

[unclviny]

@guinnog

::snip:: nearly all dairy is produced using ingredients and animal husbandry methods that would be illegal in a civilised country.

While you are in the US, enjoy the spectacle of the obesity epidemic and marvel that so many people can get so very big on such poor food! ::snip::
John

???

Unclviny

[Rusalka]

Ok, you asked about the etiquette of the situation.

I think it’s rude to tell a future host unbidden what you want for dinner. If your friend knows you’re a vegetarian already, I would leave it at that, and just eat what you think won’t make you sick. If they ask why you won’t eat something, you can tell them it’s for medical reasons. I would die before I would ask my hosts cook extra dishes or change their diet just for me. That is definitely not polite. I was always taught that when you are a guest you should be flexible, not expect your hosts to change their way of cooking or eating to accomodate you.

If her folks are in their 70’s and traditional, the above will definitely be the best course. You will be making a bad impression if you submit a list of requirements that your hosts will feel obligated to worry about, unless it’s for medical reasons.
Offering to cook a side dish without telling them that it’s because you can’t eat their food is useful, but may backfire if you don’t eat anything else (“so she’s too good for our food?”). Treating them to a restaurant is even better, because it’s less intrusive and less likely to be declined, and each person can order what they want without infringing on others.

Why do you assume that making them eat veggie food isn’t as much of an imposition as you eating what they make for you?

If I were you, I’d just not eat a lot at their house, and find a way to eat when you’re out and about. Why make a fuss?

[Left_Hand_of_Dorkness]

@Rusalka

Ok, you asked about the etiquette of the situation.

All fair points–but I get the impression that she’s working this out with her friend, and that the host family knows she’s vegetarian and wants to accommodate her. Consider that, etiquette guides aside, many hosts may be hurt or offended if they notice their guest not eating the meal, and if they only find out afterward that it’s because their guest couldn’t eat the meal, they may feel blindsided–“Why didn’t she tell us beforehand?” they might think.

I do think that letting the friend know, politely, what her restrictions are, is a good idea; but it should be accompanied by exhortations not to go to any trouble on her behalf, that of course she’ll be able to find something to eat. Then the host family can decide whether they want to prepare meals for her or not.

Daniel

[Anne_Neville]

@elfbabe

As some of the previous posts have made abundantly clear, you probably ought to specify just what it is that you DON’T eat to avoid assumptions that you eat poultry or seafood or something. If your friend’s parents are particularly unfamiliar with vegetarianism, you may also want to make it clear that you don’t eat steak OR pot roast OR ground beef OR beef jerky OR beef gravy OR beef broth - some people take a while to understand that the common factor in all of those is “made from an animal” and not something about how it’s prepared or whatever.

And be prepared to say that you don’t eat those things over, and over, and over. Even some reasonably intelligent people can have trouble with the concept of a dietary restriction like vegetarianism or keeping kosher, if it’s not something they’re used to.

  I'm not vegetarian, but I do keep kosher.  For me, that means no non-kosher meat ("meat" here excluding fish, but there are restrictions on fish too) and no meat (again, excluding fish) with dairy products.  I only started keeping kosher when I was in my 20's.  It took me a very long time to "get it", because I just wasn't used to thinking about whether or not my food contained meat products or dairy products.  It's been five years or so since I started keeping kosher (it was a gradual process, so it's hard to put an exact date on it), and my parents (who are not, and have never been, Jewish) still have trouble remembering what Mr. Neville and I do and don't eat.  They're not stupid, and I like to think that I'm not, either- it's just that thinking about whether food has meat or dairy products in it is a very foreign concept to some of us.

 If a vegan came to visit me, I'd have a lot of trouble coming up with things to cook for them.  I think I have a wider culinary repertoire than some people do (certainly wider than my parents'), but Mr Neville and I are not vegan, so I have no reason to come up with vegan dishes on my own.  You will probably have to be a good sport about eating the same thing or the same type of thing over and over again, and what you eat may be pretty far from ideal, health-wise.  If you visited my relatives, you'd probably get a lot of starches and a limited selection of vegetables, most of them canned, frozen, or iceberg lettuce.  But they are trying their best, and a sub-optimal diet for a few days or weeks probably won't kill you.

[bibliophage]

Okay, folks. This is not the forum to debate who is a real vegetarian vs. who calls himself a vegetarian. Nor is it the forum to debate what constitutes a vegetable for the purposes of vegetarianism nor to debate who practices cruel animal husbandry nor any other debate.

GQ may be able to handle some simple etiquette questions with straightforward factual answers that are generally agreed to by all civilized members of society. This question is more a request for advice and opinions in a gray area, so it probably belongs in the IMHO forum. But I think it’s best that I close this trainwreck rather than move it. Feel free to start a new thread in the appropriate forum.

bibliophage
moderator GQ