A friend of mine who should know better just e-mailed me this, this morning:
As I was walking down life’s highway many years ago I came upon a sign that read Heavens Grocery Store. When I got a little closer the doors swung open wide And when I came to myself I was standing inside. I saw a host of angels.They were standing everywhere One handed me a basket and said
“My child shop with care.” Everything a human needed was in that grocery store And what you could not carry you could come back for more First I got some Patience. Love was in that same row.
Further down was Understanding, you need that everywhere you go. I got a box or two of Wisdom and Faith a bag or two. And Charity of course I would need some of that too. I couldn’t miss the Holy Ghost It was all over the place. And then some Strength and Courage to help me run this race. My basket was getting full but I remembered I needed Grace, And then I chose Salvation for Salvation was for free I tried to get enough of that to do for you and me. Then I started to the counter to pay my grocery bill, For I thought I had everything to do the Masters will. As I went up the aisle I saw Prayer and put that in, For I knew when I stepped outside I would run into sin. Peace and Joy were plentiful, the last things on the shelf. Song and Praise were hanging near so I just helped myself.
Then I said to the angel “Now how much do I owe?” He smiled and said “Just take them everywhere you go.” Again I asked “Really now, How much do I owe?” “My child” he said, “God paid your bill a long long time ago.”
This poem has been sent to you with love and for good luck. It originated in the Netherlands and has been around the world 9 times. The luck has now come to you and you will receive good luck in the mail within six days of receiving this letter providing you sent it out to someone else. Do not send money as this message has no price. Do not keep this letter but send it on to someone who needs good luck. Of course, good luck is just another way of saying blessings. Send 5 copies within 9 minutes of reading this and see what happens
So. I just sent my own version right back to him—
As I was walking down life’s highway many years ago I came upon a sign that read Heaven’s Grocery Store. When I got a little closer the doors swung open wide. And when I came to myself I was standing inside. I saw a host of angels. They were standing everywhere, repricing the Slim Jims and making sure the magazine racks were full. One handed me a basket and said, "My child, shop with care. And did you bring your Plus Price Card with you?” Everything a human needed was in that grocery store. Except Nivea moisturzing spray.
First I asked for a satisfying job. But the clerk said, “Oh, I’m sorry, God gave those out to people who graudated from Harvard and Yale.” Love was in that same row, but the shelf was empty. “The right man for you? Oh, he died of leukemia when he was seven. Sorry!” Further down was Beauty. “You got here WAY too late for that, hon,” said the angel. I tried to reach for a box or two of Wisdom and Faith. And Charity, of course; I would need some of that too. I couldn’t miss the Holy Ghost. It was all over the place. Marked down to “three for a dollar,” in fact.
My basket was getting full, but mostly with “Aging,” “Disatisfaction,” “Unsightly Wrinkles,” and “Friends and Relatives Dying.” The clerks kept pushing samples of Salvation, for Salvation was for free. In fact, they couldn’t unload the stuff fast enough. Then I started to the counter to pay my grocery bill As I went up the aisle, I got stuck behind some nun who was trying to pay with loose change and had 75 coupons. Typical.
Then I said to the angel, “Now, how much do I owe?” He smiled and said, “Sorry, you’re condemned to an eternity of fiery hell because you broke a couple of 2,000-year-old rules in the Christian Bible. Oh, and all your gay friends and Jewish friends and atheist friends will be frying alongside you! My child,” he said, “God cooked your goose a long long time ago.”
This glurge has been sent to you with love and to make your eyes roll back till you need an eye doctor appointment. It originated in the Netherlands and has been around the world 9 times. It keeps fucking coming back, like a bad penny. Do not keep this glurge, but send it on to someone who has annoyed the crap out of you. Send 5 copies within 9 minutes of reading this and see what happens. Yeah. Hold your breath.
