When we’ve discussed traveling in the past, my FIL has stated the best way to do it is hire someone to be the kid’s nanny while on vacation. By which he means, paying for a plane ticket, room and board for someone to provide full time child care so someone else can take care of your kid for you.
He’s not the most in-touch with the common people.
These are good questions. I know SIL will be supportive and great. FIL is pretty clueless. My son nearly had a full scale autistic meltdown at a Florida aquarium because he didn’t have his food with him and FIL & girlfriend kept dragging their feet acting like it was no big deal when we needed to get him food immediately. My husband was furious. It was partially on us because we’d kept his food in the car, not thinking he would need it right away, but it just shows the rift that exists between Father and son. And they won’t talk about it like grown-ups, my husband just says he won’t listen anyway so there’s no point.
So we’ve actually traveled to Italy as a family before, 18 years ago. At the time there were 30 of us and it was all-expenses paid, top luxury cruise. At 23, just married, no kids, we would have been fools to pass it up… And in many respects it was an amazing trip. I felt like I’d won a game show.
Except for the fight between my husband and his Dad.
Not a lot has changed between them, I’m afraid.
The more I think it about it the more that might be the true heart of the issue.
If you go consider purchasing travel insurance.
I travel out of the country often and always buy travel insurance for the unexpected. It shouldn’t be too expensive since you all are younger. It starts to get more expensive as you get older.
Just my personal view, I’m not a big fan of traveling w/ very young kids. I know other people do. When I have, it has been to places like a hotel on a beach or a cabin in the woods, where we could deal with the young kid, have them nap, whatever, on our pace and possibly taking turns, and w/o any idea of sightseeing, eating out, etc. So just from my point of view, taking a 2 yr old to Italy is not something I would do.
Great, dad’s Sicilian. You are from the states, right? So ANYWHERE in Europe would be a big trip. Taking a 2 yr old to Sicily b/c that is where grampa is from? Wouldn’t swing the scales for me.
I’m sorry I have not kept up on your threads about your son. But I would not minimize what is involved in travel with him. Heck, we only had 1 of 3 kids on the shallow end of the spectrum, and we REALLY limited what we did. We didn’t want things to be more hassle than reward, and we didn’t want our kids’ shit to impose on other people.
Serious question: what emotions does the idea of this trip spur in you? Does the idea make you happy? Anxious? Warm feelings of family togetherness? Just be serious with yourself as to the primary emotions.
To me, it sounds like a lot of work with a lot of potential pitfalls. I tend to go to some lengths to avoid such things. And, if shit goes wrong, you won’t be in the US where you are familiar with everything and getting home will be doable. Instead, you’ll be a multi-leg trip away, with people whose trip you may feel you are making less enjoyable. It doesn’t add up to me in terms of risk/reward, cost/benefit - unless there is some HUGE potential positive that you haven’t mentioned yet.
Give your son - and yourself - another 5 years. And then choose to go where YOU want, not where your relatives want.
I go on vacation to get away from my extended family. So under these particular circumstances it would be a hard “no”.
Coincidentally, the only “destination wedding” I’ve ever attended was in Sicily. My wife’s high school friend was marrying an Italian diplomat who had an estate in Sciacca. We had to get ourselves there, but we were put up in the three bedroom gatehouse with another couple and were provided with a driver/guide to take us where ever we wanted to go. I would have rather gone to Rome, but under the circumstances, I have no complaints.
We took our daughter (same age as your son) to visit my father-in-law and his wife in America last summer, and again this summer. I was pretty worried last year because it was her first time on a plane, and an 8 hour flight to Boston. Thankfully she was fine, except for not sleeping until 20 minutes before landing and therefore being super tired in the airport. We didn’t have a transfer to worry about, though, and she slept though the drive to my in-laws’ house.
We’re also lucky that my FIL’s wife loves kids and spent a lot of time entertaining her, so we were able to get a break, and even go out for a meal together on our anniversary. I don’t know how helpful your extended family would be - obviously not your FIL, but since your niece will be there, maybe you can take turns looking after the kids?
It was a really fun holiday, and would have been good even without the help, so if your son were neurotypical, I’d definitely recommend going. But I don’t know how he handles change and the stresses of travel, or time differences. It was only 5 hours for us, and in the easier direction. Sicily is 1 hour ahead of the UK, so it would be at least 6 hours for you, or more if you aren’t on the east coast. And it would be in the wrong direction. Does he have any problem with the clocks changing? If he’s stayed up late or had to get up early in the past, how did he handle it? I think my daughter had mostly readjusted a couple of days after getting back; probably your best bet would be to plan to get up a couple of hours later, and go to bed later too, for the whole week.
As for food, I think bringing dry, unopened food in a carry-on would be fine. Mostly, it’s fresh fruit and veg, and meat and dairy products that Customs object to. There must be somewhere you can check what is and is not allowed into the EU.
A big question for me would be where you’d be staying. Rented villa or apartment is much better than a hotel when you’re staying with kids - having to have all your meals in restaurants would be a bit of a nightmare; it’s far easier if you have a kitchen.
At least you don’t have to worry about language issues, since you’ll be travelling with people who speak Italian. Besides, most people in tourist areas speak a reasonable amount of English. I visited Sicily in 2016 (it’s a lot closer for me), and it was great. I went up Etna and the views were amazing, and there are some beautiful towns, and interesting Roman ruins.
Re the border, I was a little nervous this time, but there was no change from last year except that US immigration already had our fingerprints. Like someone else said, you can get refundable flights if you’re worried.
Have you looked up how you’d get there, to know what kind of travel times and cost you’d be facing?
If you do decide to go, I can give you some tips. Best one is to get a suitcase like this:
My daughter loved pushing herself around the airport sitting on hers, and when she got tired we could pull her along using the handle, rather than have to carry her or coax her to walk. It made something that would have been both tiring and boring fun for her. I was skeptical, but my in-laws bought it for her for Christmas, in preparation for the trip, and also gave her stickers to personalise it, and it was a life-saver. You can take it as a carry-on, so you could put his food inside it.
Haha no they don’t speak Italian. My husband’s grandmother ostensibly does but it offends Italian sensibilities. I can’t figure out if that’s because she doesn’t remember it well or because her dialect is considered uncultured. Nobody on this trip knows Italian.
My primary emotion is tired. I feel run down even on a quiet day at home. But I’ll be honest; I dreaded the trip to Florida for the same reason but I had a great time. I got down time when I needed it. But my husband didn’t get as much down time so it was possibly because the scales weren’t balanced. He’s usually the default parent on vacations but we’d never had a vacation that long, so the default roles wouldn’t work for this trip.
I also feel a fair amount of anxiety. I have social anxiety so the language barrier kinda stresses me. I’m worried I’ll be too busy and stressed parenting to enjoy it, and I’m worried my husband will have an incident with his Dad again. He gets really stressed around his Dad.
What was described to me, though, was staying in someone’s house in a rural area, which sounds relaxing to me, with a lot of natural beauty, and possibly very much like a retreat. However some people are probably going to want to do things and there may be that pressure. I do know they would respect my need for down time and occasional isolation, because they’ve respected it before. Everyone in the family accepts that I’m weird like that.
I do think it would be better if my son were older. He probably won’t remember it much, and while he’s a lot more open to new experience than many autistic kids, he also gets really hyperactive and overstimulated in such situations, which ends up being stressful.
I mean we’re getting up an hour earlier for kindergarten this week and I can’t say it’s been great. This morning he was so tired, he laid down on the floor and refused to leave for daycare. But we’re getting through it.
Another thing I thought of: your son will be in school next year; is the trip during the holidays, or in term time? Though maybe US schools don’t have ridiculously strict rules about days off like the UK does?
This is the reason we travelled in August instead of June this year, and the flights were a lot more expensive.
I’m curious why your FIL’s girlfriend’s situation has any influence on YOUR feelings of traveling abroad? Her situation is not your situation I presume.
I would suggest you should go. It will be stressful no doubt, but you will make memories that will hopefully last a lifetime. Ask yourself whether, in 20 years, you will be feeling regret about taking the trip? More likely, if you don’t go, you will be slightly regretful that you didn’t take such a memorable trip. Italy, and Sicily in particular, is a wonderful destination. Just go!
Don’t sweat the absence policy. IME, I’ve never encountered any attendance policy w/ significant repercussions. Especially in K-1.
Good luck with whatever you decide. I acknowledge I may be overstating the downside, based on my personal feelings towards the potentially challenging aspects of travel, and the challenges of dealing with even neurotypical young kids.
I can well understand your reluctance, and I don’t think you need to justify yourself. I’d say, thanks for the kind offer of help, but it’s just not practicable for us right now - and offer to “join in” online (Zoom or whatever). It could be a festive breakfast for you in your own home.
First off - if you and your husband don’t want to go, just don’t. But unless your SIL is the type who is going to have every day planned like a social director at a resort , the 2 year old’s birthday is irrelevant. It’s a family trip to Sicily, just like the one my family has been planning to take for ten years ( we haven’t yet because the people who were supposed to plan it started having kids).The border problem is for your FIL and his girlfriend to worry about , not you ( although I doubt how’s long she’s been a citizen would itself be an issue ).
About the money - I don’t know your situation in detail or what exactly “we’re not putting enough into retirement” means but the older I got, the more I realized nothing is guaranteed so if this trip is something you want to do with these people and you can afford it, I wouldn’t let wanting to save more for retirement stop me.
Which is not to say I think you should go - just that I think that you ( like I often do) are worrying about some things you shouldn’t worry about. And I don’t know you well, so I don’t know if you’re just a worry wort or if these concerns are because deep down you don’t want to go for one reason or another. Maybe you don’t want to travel with these people or you’d rather go to Australia in three years and you don’t think you can manage both. My advice would be to first decide if you want to go - if you don’t want to, then no need to think any further.
Then think about the money and only if you want to go, have the money, and want to spend it on the trip, then you think about the food issue. Which may or may not be much of an issue depending on what exactly your son will eat and where exactly you’ll be staying - I’m sure Palermo and maybe Catania have supermarkets with an American section if not stores that specialize in American products.
I’m skimmed over most of the thread, but based on what I’ve read, I’d recommend against going. In addition to the travel hassles that go up to 11, I’m imagining the weeks and weeks to recover your and your son’s schedules afterwards. How long will it take to get him eating and sleeping again? And you, since you described your main emotion as “tired”. I’m in that club and it isn’t fun.
If you do say no, make it a flat no. “No” is a complete sentence. Giving any reason is just leverage for them to try to mitigate it. “We’ll pay the tickets” “We’ll hire a nanny” etc. They would not adequately address the problems. You’d still have a terrible time. Your FIL bailing on his promised child care at a critical time for you is another reason not to trust his ability to make this trip tolerable for you and yours.
It’s OK to put yourself and your family first, and other people’s requests last. Sometimes it’s necessary. Your narcissistic FIL put his desire for travel above his promises, and your need for child care. He had zero problem doing that. You’d be giving him the courtesy on an early decision, so he has time to adjust his plans and expectations.
What you’re describing isn’t actually a vacation. It’s a family reunion. A vacation is where you go someplace to do whatever you feel like doing to relax and enjoy yourself. This trip is not that. This trip is a family reunion where your time and activities will generally be dictated by what the family group wants to do.
Probably the title should be “Ever been badgered into your spouse’s family reunion”. I suspect for most spouses, the answer is yes. Many spouses go to their spouse’s family reunions much more because they want their spouse to be happy rather than they see it as a fun experience that they genuinely look forward to. If you want to have fun on an Italian trip, plan a separate one with your husband. If you go on this trip, view it as a family reunion where your personal enjoyment is not necessarily going to be a priority. The priority on this trip should be to try to make the family reunion as an enjoyable experience as possible for everyone. That will probably mean putting your personal desires on the back burner for the good of the group.
My Dad was badgered into a vacation, somewhat. We had a family vacation to Jamaica scheduled, but my parents were going to cancel since my grandfather died unexpectedly right before. My Dad’s mother pushed us to go anyway. Thus the great Murphy’s Law vacation began. We laugh about a lot of it now, and there were good times. But I think my parents would have been happier not to pay resort prices for the family to be sick for 2-3 days. Or for the three hour train tour to not take 10 hours. Or for our rental car to not be left drive in a right drive country, while on unfamiliar roads. Or for flight delays. Or for more stuff (bad and good) that I don’t want to get into while typing on my phone.
A great thing was the car service my parents hired to take us home from the airport on our return trip did in fact wait for us, even though there had been a blizzard and the driver was offered a lot of money by other passengers to take them instead.
