Not quite “badgering” as I see it. Sounds like they are wanting to make sure you feel you are wanted and encouraging you to come (maybe they see that as being polite?).
I don’t know. You seem to reason these things the same way my wife does. As if she needs a check list of reasons “good enough” to validate her decision or at least wear down anyone who might dissent with it.
If you want to go, go. You can always figure out the logistics. If you have no interest in visiting Sicily and hanging out with your inlaws, just say you can’t make it.
FIL and his girlfriend are definitely pressuring, but more in the bribery sense. Like “I think we should all be there, just tell us whatever you need to say YES!!! Spice, do you want to go to Rome? Name a place!” Etc.
This is clearly very important to him.
I just spent about an hour with my kid outside the house and he was in one of his moods; it was exhausting. He became impatient waiting to drop stuff off at Goodwill, my husband started arguing with him, things escalated, great times.
Do I want to experience this in a foreign country? Food for thought.
No, I wanted to hear other people’s suggestions for what to consider before I decide, because I recognize that I have blind spots.
For example, I never even thought about the time zone change affecting us all. That’s the sort of useful input I’m getting here. Dopers seem incredibly reasonable to me, for the most part, and a lot of you travel way more than I do. And most of you have 10-20 years of experience that I don’t.
Yeah, that’s kind of what my wife does too.
I personally would go visit Sicily for a family trip unless I absolutely can’t afford it, I absolutely detested my inlaws, or my son was so autistic he couldn’t travel (as opposed to my son being just autistic enough to qualify for free family fast passes to the front line of amusement park rides).
But you will have to figure out all the travel and logistics stuff like passports, time zone changes (try to take flights that arrive in the AM local time), currency exchange rates, cell service, and whatever other specific needs you have. Maybe ask you relatives about buying whatever food your special dietary needs require once you get to Sicily.
I feel the same way, especially if it meant staying in a house in a beautiful rural area, which shouldn’t be too stressful or demanding. I’m surprised at the negativity towards travel in this thread; people I know in real life are mostly positive about it.
MHO: This trip sounds to me like it would have far more minuses than plusses for you, your husband, and especially your son. Don’t go.
I see it as far more nuanced – and far better described – than that.
100 percent agree. And I don’t think that is negative toward travel, DemonTree. It’s “ there are a lot of difficulties for this specific group” and “now is not the time for a tired person, a boy with some problems and a man with a father he doesn’t get along with to take a long trip to another country.” Or that is my feeling. Trust your instincts and don’t do this right now.
To get an idea of what Sicily is like, checkout some travel videos, like this one from Rick Steves:
You can see what it’s like and if it seems enjoyable to you. From an objective standpoint, going to Sicily is not necessarily going to have a big fun factor. It’s not like going to a tourist hotspot where everything is designed around ensuring visitors have a great time and spend a lot of money (e.g. Disney World). The fun of going to a place like Sicily comes from immersing yourself in the local culture and having new experiences.
That’s a valid point, but, on the other hand, I’m getting some strong “this is way outside of my comfort zone and therefore it’s stressing me out” vibes from the OP, and at least some of her cited reasons for not wanting to go on this trip aren’t very good reasons. (“We could all be living in a police state”?) So I think this might be a case where trusting your instincts isn’t necessarily going to lead to the right answer, just to the familiar safe-feeling answer.
(Also, the “who knows what might happen in the next year?” argument works the other way too – the five-year-old might have grown out of some of the food issues, for example.)
Answering the question of the OP: Yes, I have, but the situation was very different from yours, so not really helpful.
On to actually addressing your pain points then.
One, I’m glad you don’t feel you have to go. There’s badgering, there’s desire to not disappoint, and then there’s the various sorts of pressure family can apply to make SURE you comply. It sounds like this isn’t that sort of worst case scenario.
So of your posted concerns:
- This is the one I’d want to resolve first and foremost. You’ve got a lot of good suggestions upthread that give you ways to have appropriate food nearby. I also would not be surprised to see at least some stores catering to American/European ex-pats and visitors having a few staples that fit your needs. But it would be vitally important to check ahead for options near where you’re going.
- Only you can judge the cost, but with the ongoing needs of taking care of your child, budgeting for unknowns, and the like, I’d put any conditional “yes” on the sponsor covering the tickets, not just the registration. You don’t want to come back after the trip and have a different emergency and not have the liquidity you want/need. As stated earlier, this isn’t a vacation you’ve selected, this is a family visit at a great cost in energy and time for your family. Even if it gives you some opportunities you wouldn’t have otherwise have, it also isn’t being scheduled to your interests and preferences!
- Eh, TBH, we’re probably more at risk here in the states from action of our Government and local crazies than we are overseas. The fact that I periodically wonder if I’ll be shot at the local grocery story, because, duh, it’s happened before (in state, not the grocery store in question) means we have vast illusions of safety. Of all the concerns you list, it would be the least worry of mine. And as you point out, things could easily be worse in the future so it may be a rare chance to get out, and of course, once your child enters school past the K-stage, it may be more difficult, so that’s a minor Pro.
So those would be my bottom lines before I said yes. Check the resupply option (even with a carryon full of food, things can easily go wrong!). Explain that preparing for the future comes before luxury vacations as a condition, though you’re happy to be invited and appreciate the offer. And take not too much counsel of your fears - but it’s 100% fair (and accurate!) to not dismiss them either.
The thing I cannot evaluate in any way (having no kids, much less an autistic one) is how that affects things. You’re the one who knows him best - and it sounds like you have honest, real, and justified concerns that there will be some problems - not if, but when. And dealing with them at home, a familiar place with the best support structure can leave you exhausted. That dread alone could make the whole enterprise not worth it - and it seems you have similar dread of your husband and his father getting into it as well. Also not worth it IMHO.
Really, everything you’ve said has touched on how much of a burden this could be for you. I haven’t seen a lot of upsides for you other than meeting the artificial needs and expectations of the family. And if your wants and needs aren’t being addressed at all… I lean towards you taking care of yourself and immediate family first.
ETA - I tried rewording the last paragraph a couple of times, but it’s still not sounding right. To be Clear, I’m not saying you’re wrong or unreasonably selfish for putting your needs, and those of your immediate family First. That’s one of your jobs as a mother and wife, not to mention a fair request of anyone as a person. You are more than a checkbox to be crossed off some artificial “attending” list!
Yeah, that’s fair. But on review, I get the distinct impression some of the shorter posts are just replying to the title, which is much more negative about the idea of the trip than the actual post. I think that’s what makes the feedback seem excessively negative.
There’s no advice here that’s correct for everyone. Some people worry excessively and would benefit from being told to go for it, others are more blase or just less informed, and benefit from hearing about difficulties they hadn’t considered.
@Spice_Weasel should not be afraid to say ‘no’ to her in-laws if she decides it’s best not to go. But she should consider the pros as well as the potential difficulties before making a decision. My daughter loved our America trip so much that she begged to go back again; that’s why we returned there this year rather than waiting a year or two.
Your post is good advice, but I think this is unfair. It sounds to me like her in-laws would enjoy her and her family’s company and just don’t understand the additional difficulties they are facing, not that the in-laws see them as a box to tick. That in no way obliges them to go, though. @Spice_Weasel, go if you think it will be more enjoyable than stressful, including the effect on your finances, and don’t go if you think it will be more stressful than enjoyable. And either way, don’t beat yourself up about it: you made the best decision you could based on limited information.
This is probably a fair criticism, and you’re right, I don’t know enough from the outside to make such a sweeping judgement. I wasn’t intending it to be that harsh, more that I was in the ETA trying to emphasize that @Spice_Weasel has a right to a degree of selfishness about the needs of herself, child and spouse which are completely legitimate concerns, more so than what to me is a fairly weak excuse for a family gathering. But it’s not a rubber stamp, and the providing of a place to stay isn’t exactly a zero dollar value. So I’ll apologize for overstating the case (
) but still want to emphasize that S_W should feel no guilt in considering her own position and energy.
From other threads we posted in together, I think she, like my wife, tends to suffer from a slight overabundance of empathy and undue responsibility at times. These are remarkable and positive traits, but sometimes they can get in the way of taking care of yourself. And of course, plenty of support no matter which route is chosen.
Thank you everyone for your wonderful input.
I talked it through with Spouse Weasel, and we came up with what I think is a workable solution. You see, part of the challenge of whether or not to go on this Sicily trip is that they gave us a week before we had to commit. That’s a week to figure out whether we can get around a raft of logistical problems, it’s the same week our son is starting kindergarten, I just got over norovirus, my husband is drowning in work; this is not us at our decision-making best.
We’ve decided to decline Sicily. BUT we’ve decided to pitch a similar family vacation in 2027 or 2028, to a country that is either English or Spanish speaking (I speak Spanish as a second language and FIL’s girlfriend is native.) It’s not that we’d never travel in a country where we don’t speak the language, but we’d like a few vacations under our belt where we didn’t have that as an additional stressor and we could kind of get the hang of it.
I’m proposing Ireland, because I have always wanted to go to Ireland. But my husband and I got so excited about the idea we’ve decided that we’re going whether they want to come or not!
We never travel beyond the 6-hour drive to my Aunt’s house three times a year. Florida this year was our first proper vacation probably since 2008 or 2009, and it went way better than expected. So we’ve decided, actually, we would like to have a proper vacation every two or three years.
This hopefully will help soften the blow of us declining Sicily while giving us a nice comfortable stretch of time to save up money (and get in shape. Another factor that I didn’t mention is that I’ve been in poor physical condition for a while. Some of it is outside my control, but not all of it is. If I go to Ireland, I want to be able to walk around comfortably, without tendonitis, and that takes time to get stronger and fitter.)
It also gives my kid another couple years to grow up.
And now, for the first time, I am actually excited about the idea of going on vacation.
And not to mention, sometimes just making the decision relieves some of the stress! Glad you found a way forward that leaves you happy, no need for all the additional stress.
When the time comes, we will demand many a pic, but after the fact is just fine. I’ll be over here, being all envious and such. 
I wholeheartedly agree with that. Especially since it’s not their only chance to see some family members, but a trip with ones they already see regularly.
Yeah, that’s really not enough notice. What were they thinking?
Sounds like you made a good decision, and Ireland is very nice. There’s some really beautiful scenery, you’re practically tripping over old castles and ruined monasteries, and the people are very friendly.
But I can’t emphasise enough how little it matters not speaking the language, in Europe at least. It’s not like everyone speaks English, but everyone in the tourist industry does. (And budget airlines like Ryanair mean there are a lot of tourists everywhere.) In the Nordic countries and the Netherlands, you actually have to try to find someone who doesn’t speak English. Going to Ireland first is a great idea, but don’t let it put you off visiting other countries later.
Yay, @Spice_Weasel !
I’m glad you decided to decline the trip to Sicily. It just didn’t sound like there were ANY advantages, really.
May your recovery be speedy!
Glad you were able to make a decision that works for you.
You made the best reasoned decision based on the information available to you at the time. Can’t ask for anything more. Now no second guessing!
How was the family’s reaction? I’m predicting they were fine with your decision.