Mommy’s pissed at me.
I’m upset with myself.
The baby’s just plain confused.
I woke up this morning feeling kinda… full. Seeing as how it was about 6:30 and time to get up anyway, I slipped silently (or at least tried to) out of bed and headed downstairs to make some coffee. My two year old had woken up about an hour before and I’d brought her from her crib into our room to sleep with us until morning. She and mommy both rustled slightly as I left.
As I filled the pot with water, I heard the shower kick in upstairs. Aware of the persistent pressure in my colon from last night’s ribs, I figured this was as good a time as any to break some serious wind because there was no way my wife could hear me rip one if she’s in the shower.
Even withouit the benefit of coffee I knew this was going to be a good one and I leaned against the breakfast counter and let fly.
I turned around to see what had fallen and there’s my baby daughter, spread out on the floor. Apparently, she’d walked up softly behind me while I was grinding beans and had been staring my blast furnace right in the face when the evil door had suddenly popped open.
“Brynnie, are you okay?”
“Oh Honey, I’m so sorry!”
“Daddy hold you?”
“Brynnie go see mommy.”
She looked so cute laying there that I thought I’d snap a quick picture but no camera was handy so I reached over to her little baby drawing easel, grabbed a piece of chalk and traced her outline like the cops do at a crime scene. She then scampered off in her little rabbit footies, the reason for her stealth in the first place.
Five minutes later, mommy came downstairs following, hopefully, the scent of coffee. Seeing a baby silouette in chalk on the kitchen floor, she inexplicably asked “What’s that?”
“It’s Brynnie’s outline.”
“Why is she holding her nose?”
“I farted in her face.”
Sometimes I feel like the king of the world, the repository of all knowledge, the ultimate arbitor of justice and an all around nice guy. Right then I felt like nothing more than a butt.
I got one of those looks when I left for work this morning, one that says “Why don’t you straighten your crap out before you come home today.”
Sounds like a good idea. I think it’s time I transfer some more money into her college fund. Based on recent events, it’s the least I could do.