Ever knock a baby down with a fart?

Mommy’s pissed at me.
I’m upset with myself.
The baby’s just plain confused.

I woke up this morning feeling kinda… full. Seeing as how it was about 6:30 and time to get up anyway, I slipped silently (or at least tried to) out of bed and headed downstairs to make some coffee. My two year old had woken up about an hour before and I’d brought her from her crib into our room to sleep with us until morning. She and mommy both rustled slightly as I left.

As I filled the pot with water, I heard the shower kick in upstairs. Aware of the persistent pressure in my colon from last night’s ribs, I figured this was as good a time as any to break some serious wind because there was no way my wife could hear me rip one if she’s in the shower.

Even withouit the benefit of coffee I knew this was going to be a good one and I leaned against the breakfast counter and let fly.

Ppppprrrrrrrrrrtttttttttttttttttttt klunk

I turned around to see what had fallen and there’s my baby daughter, spread out on the floor. Apparently, she’d walked up softly behind me while I was grinding beans and had been staring my blast furnace right in the face when the evil door had suddenly popped open.

“Brynnie, are you okay?”

“Daddy poop.”

“Oh Honey, I’m so sorry!”

“Daddy poop.”

“Daddy hold you?”

“Brynnie go see mommy.”

She looked so cute laying there that I thought I’d snap a quick picture but no camera was handy so I reached over to her little baby drawing easel, grabbed a piece of chalk and traced her outline like the cops do at a crime scene. She then scampered off in her little rabbit footies, the reason for her stealth in the first place.

Five minutes later, mommy came downstairs following, hopefully, the scent of coffee. Seeing a baby silouette in chalk on the kitchen floor, she inexplicably asked “What’s that?”

“It’s Brynnie’s outline.”

“Why is she holding her nose?”

“I farted in her face.”

“You what?”

Sometimes I feel like the king of the world, the repository of all knowledge, the ultimate arbitor of justice and an all around nice guy. Right then I felt like nothing more than a butt.

I got one of those looks when I left for work this morning, one that says “Why don’t you straighten your crap out before you come home today.”

Sounds like a good idea. I think it’s time I transfer some more money into her college fund. Based on recent events, it’s the least I could do.

That is hilarious! Oh my gosh…I can’t stop giggling right now.

co-workers think I’m up to something…

[ul]*Only lieu can make scatological art.
Only lieu can let a witty fart.
Only lieu, and lieu alone
Can thrill me with tales of poo
And fill my eyes with tears… only lieu

Onleee lieu… --The Splatters[/ul]

I’ve experimented with this, and even at my worst my 3 1/2 year old never mentions the bad smell. He’ll comment on the sound, but when I’m letting SBDs go he won’t say a word.

Heh, You’re going to become the BUTT of all her jokes when she’s older.

Well, if you can’t say anything nice…

Well, at the very least, I can see why she was so damn anxious to go see Mommy after you did that.

“Daddy hold you?”

“Christ, no! If Daddy do that with his butt, who knows what he might do with his FACE?”

… Fart?

What you’ve gained in esteem from telling such a funny story you will lose in therapy and doctor bills that will, as a result of your actions, be the future for your poor child. I picture poor Brynnie being raced to the hospital for severe gastrointestinal problems when she refuses to fart, and then describing this scene as a dream to her therapist when she’s twenty.

You are an evil, evil, extremely funny man.

Daddy Poop! Mwuhahahahaha. Poor thing. If I were there I would have surely started gagging.

See, you’re in BIG trouble now lieu, Brynnie can talk, there’s just no way you can get away with anything anymore. She’ll always tell Mommy…

I know. That’s no way to “rear” a child.

You really have to have another kid dude…and make this one a boy. You haven’t lived until you’ve had a farting contest with your boys, and drove Mommy running and screaming from the house.

Good times…

A baby? That’s weak. When you can make a six year old(who is very big for her age) fall on her butt THEN you’ve got something worth posting. :stuck_out_tongue:

For the record: She had developed a nasty habit of thinking it was funny to sneak around and jump out from around corners or behind things to try to scare Mommy and Daddy. One day she was trying the commando routine while I was talking to my wife in the kitchen and I spotted her hiding behind the fridge. I slowly backed up then swiveled my hips and let one off. When I peeked around the corner a second later she was sprawled on her backside with a stunned look on her face and exclaimed “DAD!”

No wonder your house burned down.

and Mtgman, I’d heard you mention that before and it put me on the floor as well. Too funny.

Someone should post a question to GQ about how much force a hearty colon-delfation can generate…

Are you, by chance, the costumed vigilante known as The Spleen?

Well caveman, I think you’ve found a home here.

lieu - too funny. Thanks for sharing.

[pun] Sounds like you made Brynnie Skip T’my Lieu [/pun]

My story regarding young kids and poop: It’s Sunday morning, I have already watched PBS cartoons with the kids (George Shrinks is very good, you know) fed them breakfast and hauled them upstairs to make beds and get dressed. My almost-five-year-old, Jake, gets up and runs to the bathroom. I flop on the bed with my wife, who is reading the paper, for the brief minute of downtime. All of a sudden, we hear from down the hall:

MOM! DAD! Come hear!! My poop looks like a hammerhead shark!!

My wife turns to me and says “uhh - you handle this one”

I just about died laughing while walking to his bathroom. And while I won’t provide details (you’re welcome), I will say that while kid has a imagination, he did have a point.

Thank you lieu, I’ve had an awful day and your story just made it a little brighter.