I’ve been grappling with this decision for some time now.
Thing is tho’ I’m an Atheist so this isn’t a decision I’m pondering for moral/religious reasons.
It’s just that… Hmm… I don’t know really. I’m 38 and every time I do - do the ONS; I feel like I’m acting immaturely. I mean hell, that shit was cute when I was 20something but now it’s just getting to feel pathetic. I don’t want to be a 50something-yo still cruising for “chicks”. :rolleyes:
I also feel that somehow (I’m not sure how really) this behaviour is hindering my chances at finding a meaningful relationship.
So yeah, I thin I’m gonna stop doing the ONS.
I’m just wondering if anybody else has forgone the ONS? And what were your reasons for doing so?
[Caveat: It’s not like I’m going home with a strange girl every week. On average I’d say I do the ONS about 3-4 times in a year.]
I never got it to work/happen in the first place. Well not technically never, but close enough for most values of never.
So, I guess I never got addicted to em.
So, from the monkish side of the fence, I can tell your eyes will neither white out nor will your balls explode.
If you like “the chase” it might be problamatic.
If you hate “the chase”, you’ll probably feel like you’ve been reborn. Find a nice hobby that can also be social outlet, like a hiking club or sumptin.
Me too. I got close, and sure could have, but it just didn’t feel…right. And like the OP, I am not religious. So it wasn’t religion based.
But religion really isn’t the only way we decide what’s “right” or “wrong” is it? Of course not! If something doesn’t sit right with you, and it doesn’t make you happy, you don’t do it.
I think for me personally, I need to have an emotional tie to someone I’m having sex with. That makes it pretty hard to have a one-night stand. Unless I’m drunk. And then I regret shit the next day. Not a fun feeling to have in addition to a hangover.
I used to be hooked on the whole party scene, including the ONS. Then when I was in my late 20’s I kind of thought to myself “I need to grow up and quit all this mess”.
It wasn’t a change that happened overnight - but probably over a year’s time. It just seemed like I was wasting my time, spinning my wheels. Kind of similar to what you’re feeling, I think.
This was years before the term “cougar” was coined, but I certainly had seen plenty of those women and “pathetic chain-smoking leather-skinned loser slut in a leopard-print mini skirt” was not something I wanted to be.
I think about it often, and try it about once every three gals (about every four months or so). It usually lasts about a week before I realize I want to have sex with other people. I’ll probably follow NinetyWt’s footsteps, but I still need a couple years.
One problem with this is that a lot of potential “right ones” will be turned off by a ONS artist / player. So, you might never get a chance to prove what a great catch you are if you continue in ONS mode.
I’m a non-believer too, like the OP, and according to my personal set of morals and ethics, one-night stands with strangers is not morally correct for me. Back in college, I had some one-night stands during college, and they just left me feeling dirty and empty. For me, sex needs to have an emotional component, and sex without love is not that enjoyable to me. So yeah, I haven’t had a ONS in many years and I hope to never have one ever again.
The two have no connection. I hope you don’t think I’m judging people poorly who engage in this activity. I was just merely pointing out reasons why I came to not do the ONS.
Apologies if this is offensive, but if there’s no chemistry, why would you want the one-night-stand in the first place? Surely there has to be some physical spark and attraction for it to be considered? You can take this with a pinch of salt, since I’ve never had a one-night stand, although it’s not something I have consciously avoided. It’s just that there have been only two offers, both of which happened when I was seeing someone else.
I also tend to be most attracted to people I’ve known for a while, rather than relative strangers - is this what you’re referring to?
:dubious: Hmmm… I came out of my last divorce 15 years ago and would never trade my sex life now for what it was when I was married. Am approaching 50 this year and my “one nights stands” now provide me with a very nice social circle. Although at least monthly there is a new girl in the mix, I have a regular core of really good friends (started as one nighters) who cover every possible ‘meaning’ in any relationship.
Most know about the others, two actually “like” each other as well. monogamy just couldn’t work for me anymore. YMMV but I don’t see anything meaningless or less meaningful here. Is it really necessary to equate one on one ( when 50% end up divorced) as the ideal to be aimed for?
Sexual chemistry is only one component of “chemistry”, and certainly not the most important one when considering a continuing “meaningful” relationship. And frankly, alcohol can serve as a near miraculous catalyst for otherwise unlikely chemical reactions.
I agree entirely with your second point, but if we’re discussing one-night stands, sexual chemistry appears to be the most important. It would be entirely different for a longer-term relationship, although still important.
Yes, what I meant was that when the OP states “no chemistry”, he’s probably not referring to sexual chemistry, which he almost certainly felt (no matter how booze-fueled), but to a broader and more elusive version of “chemistry” that makes you want to actually listen to a person talk for a while.
No, you’re not. My morals and values don’t come from any religious beliefs. I had a LOT of ONS when I was younger, and I’m a woman. It was the late 70’s, Early 80’s and everybody was on about “if it feels good do it” and women were no longer supposed to be seen as sluts because they gave into their physical urges with the same abandon men did… Except that men still didn’t want the woman who slept with them the night they met as their girlfriends. I had a lot of confusion and hurt feelings when there wasn’t a call after some meaningless encounter.
Anyway, I think it’s part of the maturing process. I came to realize that I didn’t really like the way I felt (and often didn’t like the guy either) afterward, that it left me pretty empty. That sexual gratification could be achieved without another person, usually more adeptly, and that if my need was truly sexual, I could take care of it. I guess I was really looking for a connection that was never achieved through ONS behavior.
