Assuming birth control precautions all around, or simply that the risk of pregnancy is very unlikely after a certain point, why are mature women (seemingly) still so much more ambivalent engaging about in one night stand sex than men?
Assuming you’ve both got jobs, houses and there aren’t going to be any pregnancies. given all this why do mature women still seem to have a considerably higher degree of ambivalence about one night stands than men do? Assuming they are single, modern, mature, level headed women what are they going to lose or risk with a night of hot feel good sex?
Nothing in the modern age has overwritten a few million years of evolution during which there was no reliable birth control. And if you don’t buy that, consider that no form of birth control is completely effective, and an unwanted pregnancy is still a downer in this day and age.
We still have the old double standard attached to women and sex, too. A guy who has lots of casual sex is considered a stud; a woman who does exactly the same thing is considered a slut. We’re making progress on this bullshit idea, but it’s taking a long time.
I suspect that one night stands are less likely to be good for women than for men: more men seem to be of the “bad sex is still pretty good” mindset, whereas bad sex for women can be pretty miserable.
I’ve always liked sex a lot, and I used to be pretty easy. Now, that I’m getting older (40 in 3 days!), it takes a lot longer for me to have sex with someone for the first time. For one thing, I need to feel an emotional connection- I needed that when I was younger too, to some degree, but I was still fresh and trusting and naive and would feel it prematurely. Now I take my time becoming attached and trusting of someone- they have to earn it, so it takes longer for me to feel that connection. For another thing, I’ve learned from experience that no-strings-attached sex is rarely that. A lot of times, someone’s feelings get hurt, or things get misconstrued and awkward, or somebody wants something that the other doesn’t have to give, or some damn thing. It’s not worth it anymore, frankly, if I don’t love someone. As I tell my teenage sons, sex has consequences even if no one ends up pregnant, and at this time in my life (single and not dating anyone seriously), I’m not prepared to deal with those consequences (and neither are they).
Having to get home or kick someone out once the deed is done, or
The awkward ‘morning after.’
Lack of available basic amenities (toothbrush, deodorant, clean undies)
Enduring his filthy apartment.
Realizing that the guy you just boinked is a total douche/jerk/bad speller.
Bad breath, bad feet, stinky pits or other ‘hidden’ flaws.
Being beaten up, robbed or raped.
Realization that the attraction is far more one-sided than you realized.
Frankly, I’m a little perplexed how the OP could think that pregnancy is the only meaningful risk of meaningless sex. That one never cracked the top 10 of concerns for me (see above). It is easy to be careful about that.
Though I’m well attached now, historically I was never particularly opposed to a good one-nighter. However, I almost never desired sex badly enough to risk dealing with the unknowns of a relative stranger. And the time or two that I did, I regretted it for one or more of the issues above. Sex is rarely ‘no-strings,’ even if both of you want it to be. You still have to deal with another person after it is all over, and if you don’t really like or trust that person, IMO, it isn’t worth doing in the first place.
On preview: Also what Alice The Goon and Manda JO said.
For many women (and I’m one of them) a sexual encounter isn’t very good unless they feel an emotional connection too. For us, sex isn’t just an itch that nearly any partner can scratch. We need to feel trust, and at least some liking, before we can get satisfaction. In other words, a one night stand is not likely to give us a night of hot feel good sex.
Assuming that I was unattached, so horny that I was rubbing myself against anything I could find, and I found a guy who was a) interested in having sex with me and b) had all of my physical triggers, I STILL wouldn’t have sex with him unless we were making love. I’d rather go home and take matters into my own hands rather than simply get it on with a complete stranger.
If I’m pissed off at my husband, I’m not going to enjoy having sex with him, because I’m not going to feel loved. On the other hand, when he’s been especially considerate, he’s likely to get some extra attention, because I feel loved and I want to express it.
When I was younger it didn’t bother me to let a total stranger into my living space for the night. I was very trusting then, plus I rented. Now that I’m a homeowner, I am really hesitant to invite a stranger to my house for the night. Not that I really believe he would do anything. It’s kind of like how I used to blithely leave the house with the clothes dryer running when I didn’t own the house.
And I feel the same way about going to some stranger’s house. There’s this:
Bingo. For many women, including myself, it’s rare to have great sex with any partner the first time. And I get the impression that “meh” sex for women is less fun than “meh” sex for men. It takes a few tries to get things really going, as it were. I don’t think that’s a problem, just a physical difference in men and women. That alone would turn me off from one night stands.*
*Plus, my personality lends itself more towards relationships (friendships or romantic) than sex with strangers. And I’m very happily and monogamously married.
Also, I know I’m not infertile, so even the very low risk of pregnancy with birth control isn’t something I want to chance with a guy who never wants to see me again.
That being said, if you mean only-one-night-stand sex, the only problem would be that if I like someone enough to romp with them once, I probably like them enough to want to romp with them again. And again. Ad infinitum.
Sex is like chocolate - really good chocolate is really good, but sometimes that wrapper holds that stuff from Dollar Store - that waxy cheap chocolate flavored stuff. The problem is that most sex is somewhere on the Hershey Bar side - not bad, but not really worth risking that nasty waxy crap.
Another vote for this. Many women can’t cum with a regular, trusted partner who wants to see them happy – there’s no guarantee a stranger will grind her gears. Plus the increased risk of STDs for women and the chance, however slight, of getting pregnant with a guy who’s name you can’t recall. And, of course, the ongoing slut/stud double-standard, alive and well in 2008!
Also, if it does turn out the guy is a good lay and the woman in question wants to hold on to him for this reason and this reason only, she may still come across to him as clingy or looking for love.
Sex with a stranger isn’t so exciting and likely to be good that I’m willing to take the chance he’s a disease-ridden psycho rapist mugger stalker who’s crappy in bed and I’ll have to do the walk of shame in the morning.
Even if the guy made me hornier than a 16-year-old boy and it was guaranteed that he was a psychologically-stable, neat, millionaire virgin who studied the Kama Sutra, I still wouldn’t do it. It’s just not my thing. It’s not an issue of the consequences; the concept and act just aren’t appealing to me.
Baldwin and Misnomer I think nailed what my response would have been.
I’m married, and relatively, ahem ‘mature’. But assuming I was single right now, I don’t think I’d be all that interested in a one night stand no matter how hot the woman is. If she’s really that pretty and we’re hitting it off, we can get to the sex later. When I was younger, I’d have had sex with a moldy tree stump if I could have. In fact, this one time…
But now, I really think there’d have to be something else there than just lust.
Am I the only one here who doesn’t particularly think one-night stands are mature, as well as questioning why “modern” is being substituted for “wise”? Modern times are always around - everybody’s in them. Oddly enough, most of them disagreed with ours about everything, and pretty much all those who follow probably will, too.
Double standard plays a big role, especially if you’re in a place where people are likely to see you over and over again.
And this:
I have the feeling it happened to me once. Um… I wanted to tell the idiot something along the lines of “you’re not the only one around right now”, but I doubt with the above double standard it would’ve helped me.