The Dreaded One Night Stand

On threads of a sexual morality nature I often hear uninvolved, women chime about how liberated they are and then they qualify that with a prissy, “Of course I’m not looking for a one-night-stand.” Well, what’s wrong with a one-night-stand? Not enough time to get your rationalization fix in? You need more time to suck up the bullshit of which you have become accustomed to?

If one night was good, why would you not want a return engagement?

Well, see, my bed is up against the wall, so I needed one night-stand. More than that, I’d have no place to put it. But one night-stand works great, I keep a lamp there and a kleenex box and whatever book I’m reading and… eh? What? Oh…sorry.


Do you mind! I’m trying to get flamed. You could at least have had the courtesy to call me a bastard.


If there were a return engagement it wouldn’t be a one night stand, would it? Your question is a non sequitur. By the way, once you leave the farm, it is possible to meet a stranger, have sex, never see that person again, and not need thearpy because you feel you didn’t get anything out of it.

Pooch, your ignorance is showing. Anyone with the intelligence of a rock would know that Jens has ample opportunity for a one night stand without ever leaving the farm. Just don’t forget to close the gate behind you when you’re done. Don’t want to be out chasing sheep in the morning.

No need to thank me, Jens. Consider this defense work to be pro bono.

The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs. – E. Grebenik


Being it takes 3 months for HIV to show up in a test, why would anyone want to risk that on a paltry onenight stand?

Okay, so before there weren’t things like HIV to be concerned about.

So Pooch, perhaps the woman does not want to put herself to risk? Chances are she probably won’t come the first time anyway. What’s in it for her? Three months of wondering if she picked up HIV cause the condom fell off? Maybe another three months after that of wondering if she got the 5% of HIV virus that doesn’t show up for 6 months?

Now Pooch, why would a woman want to put herself up to that? Course, some do, but that’s life.

I’ve had alot of one-night stands in my life. None lately, but more than enough to know whereof I speak.

There’s alot of good and maybe not so good reasons to avoid ONS’s, for both sexes, but more particularly for women.

In saying this, I am sure I will get a few gals in an uproar, but ce la vie. For most women, there is something about intercourse that is automatically more intimate, more invasisve, more…involved, no matter how cheap and quick the experience is on the surface. No matter how liberated we are, women are mostly, by their very natures, vulnerable when it comes to sex. Letting some stranger stick his dick in you and then disappear just feels icky in the long run, and is rarely worth it in terms of sexual pleasure. For me, it almost never was. If it’s really good, you generally want more and are bummed you ain’t getting it, and if it sucked, then you can feel kinda lousy that you bothered at all. So what’s the point?

As I say, I’ve been down that road many times. I came of age in Hollywood in the mid-70’s, a time of ultimate sexual freedom, so I was weaned on ONS’s. I don’t regret them, I don’t carry shame or guilt, but I certainly don’t carry around much in the way of fond memories, either.

Guys, on the other hand, are sluts, and are happy to BE sluts, and that’s perfectly ok if they can find women to be slutty with. (No arguing this one, boys: the proof is in the fact that pretty much the only market for male prositutes is with other males. The fact that men can PAY someone to have sex with them and ENJOY the experience never ceases to amaze me. I could NEVER enjoy it if I knew the only reasons someone was screwing me was for money. And most women feel the same.)


Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!

I’m with Dex on this one, especially the Kleenex box part.

Stoidela - I agree absolutely. There was a time… mid 70’s in SF… when I tried to be that “liberated.” I didn’t like it, recognized why and gave it up. There’s always the impulse to attachment and it’s as well to admit it and factor it into future plans.

Besides, why would I want to be with anyone who’s not smart enough to realize that I deserve extended study? I am an epic - not Clif notes!

You can only be a victim once. After that you’re just a volunteer.

Naomi Judd

I stand corrected.

Handy, I was wondering who would play the the obvious STD card. If she’s reciting Hail Marys during sex it probably is a ‘paltry’ one night stand. Can you imagine a quality one night stand full of passion where the condom doesn’t fall off? Of course a woman would not want to put herself up to what you described.

Stoidela and Sassy, at last, the voices of experience. I am not advocating ONS’s. I am claiming that ONS’s are not inherently bad. Could be a ONS is like eating fugu–it must be prepared properly. Now, on to the good stuff:

It’s true, I have been a slut, but only in my heart. Handy and the Doc are not sluts and might take issue with this.

Like in dating and marriage? Hey, we are used to it. Men are honest (except when they are trying to get laid, and this has been forced upon us) and can enjoy sex without the promise of respect in the morning. Besides, a good prostitute really does do all the work.

An old girlfriend used to say, “I don’t fuck, I make love.” I used to reply, “Well, couldn’t we fuck once in a while?” Somewhere along the road, sex & love became interdependent in the minds of many women, while men have sex, love, and sex & love. The sixteen year old, hormones zinging, approaches the little princess and she says, “Tell me you love me.” Thus the lesson begins.

(I can’t believe I’m doing this, but what the hell…)

Hi! My name is Lynne, and I, at various times and occasions, have been a SLUT. A perfectly happy, unremorseful, bursting with self-esteem slut. I’ve also quite happily been in monogamous relationships, make a clear distinction between sex&love vs. sex for the sake of sex, and have enjoyed both, thank you very much. In short, love’s nice, but hey, sometimes ya just wanna fuck. How 'bout that!

Gee, I feel much better, now that I’ve announced that to a few hundred people. Time for more restrained commentary. Pooch, appreciate your use of the qualifier “many women”…it’s certainly not all of us, and my attitude was the norm rather than the exception amongst my friends when we were in our 20’s. (Of course, we might have just gravitated toward each other --sluts unite!). I think there are certainly safety issues with ONS’s, but there don’t have to be moral or emotional ones. My personal take on this is I wouldn’t bring home a total stranger (not that I would find it demeaning, but that I simply recognize the higher potential for ending up as a statistic), but casual “buddy sex” with a friend who you’ve got no interest in having a “romantic” relationship with? Sure, why not? Had a lot of fun that way. Stayed friends with 'em too.

Now, the disease thing. I’m a condom fanatic. Short of total abstinence, or virgin marries virgin, there’s going to be some risk, but you can at least minimize it. Condom failure isn’t all that common [sorry, no cite, but I’m recalling single digit percentage, correctly used]. Never happened to me. And now, listen up kids, cause here’s my personal rant:

"Knowing" someone does NOT constitute “safe sex”. Sleeping with someone you’ve known for 6 months isn’t any safer than sleeping with someone you met last night. And it has nothing to do with trust or commitment. Plenty of little nasties floating around out there that are completely symptomless in men (and in a lot of women, too) that can quietly trash your reproductive system. There’s a high enough awareness of HIV now that I like to think (or at least hope) that most folks get tested before putting the condoms away, but honestly people, how many of you sent your long term other off for a chlamydia test before swtching to the pill? After your both certified “clean”, then committed monogamy’ll keep you that way, but it doesn’t do a damn thing on its own. Viruses and bacteria can’t read marriage certificates.

End of public service announcement. Back to topic. I find nothing demeaning or degrading about enjoying sex for pleasure. It can be great. And sometimes, once is enough…just thank them for a job well done, send them out the door, and enjoy the memory. Just remember to play safe. And if you feel more comfortable getting to know someone better before you hop into bed? That’s great too. Play safe anyway. It’s a deeply personal choice, and I don’t think there’s any one “right” way to feel about the subject.

I think most one night stands have the potential to hurt or stir up emotions that are hard to deal with. However, every once in a great while, one can be wonderful experiences.

I travel for my job, mostly, the Baltimore/Washington DC area. On one trip I spent two weeks working closely with a extremely gorgeous man (a 16 on a scale of 1 - 10). There was a lot of flirtation and sparks between the two of us.

That weekend, we took the train to Washington DC and spent the entire day sight seeing and having a great time. Later that night, back in Baltimore, we walked around the Inner Harbor (our hotel was two blocks away) and had a few drinks on a romantic balcony that overlooked the water. I didn’t invite him into my room and he didn’t ask to come in, but things just progressed to that level. We spent that Sunday locked away in the room enjoying each other.

We knew that nothing would ever come of our actions. No empty promises of future dates or phone calls, we both knew that there would be none. (Okay, we have stayed in touch via e-mail, but he lives 2500 miles away and the chances of us ever seeing each other again are nil.) Although we really hit it off as far as work and friendship, the sex part was pure lust and positively FANTASTIC!!! It’s one of my most favorite memories.

And yes, we did use protection.


He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok. - Confucius

Ok, I know I’m going to get way flamed for this (You’re so young, you don’t know anything about anything yet!!!), but here goes. I love one night stands. I lost my virginity that way (completely intentional), and afterwards spent six months with a different guy every night. It was FUN! Of course, I realize there are health concerns, and of course we practised safe sex (and yes, I know it’s not 100% guaranteed), but hell, I only get to be young and stupid once, right? I have never regretted any of those guys, and I feel like the experience helped me discover things about myself that I would never know had I conformed to the norm and found myself a nice guy in the 9th grade and begun practising writing my first name with his last name.

Well, Cess, I suppose this explains why you can still manage to get people to hang out with you. :wink:

Cess: Where do I find women like you?:slight_smile:

Why should you get flamed? Hell, it’s your body! You know the risks. You signed the waiver.

A different guy every night for 6 months? That roughly 180 guys. You’re heading towards Wilt Chamberlain status.

Cess, sounds great as long as you move away when you finally do get married. How would you like to be your future husband? He wouldn’t be able to go anywhere without running into some dude you had slept with. I have known guys in this position and it can get pretty ugly.

Now I know I will be flamed for this and that people will say “if the man is confident and self assured he won’t care what his wife did before.” YOu are right, and a confident woman wont care about how huge her ass is.

When you are still single, it is all well and good. But when you settle down, man, promiscuity is a different animal.

Mr. Z:

Oh please, how Neanderthal can you get. It’s not so much about if a man is confident as it is if a man has a lick of sense.

Getting all bent out of shape about the fact that the woman you love and have committed to (and she to you) has had many affairs before you is retarded. Let’s see… were YOU a virgin?

Explain to me, please, what exactly it is about that that is supposed to be so disturbing? Is it that he will somehow feel threatened that she still carries a torch for men she has already been with and left? Dumbass. Is it that he looks upon her as some kind of “used goods”? Hypocritical asshole. What exactly is it, what is the underlying explanation of what precisely it is that would bother him in this situation, hmm?

The double standard is alive and well, unfortunately, but that doesn’t mean we have to buy into it. That’s what keeps it alive and well. If we ignore it, maybe it will die the death it deserves to.

(PS: my hunny was attracted to me initially preceisely because of my vast prior experience. Our initial relationship was completely sexual, and he wanted me to tell him stories of my wild early years, it turned him on. And now he’s pleased as punch that the woman he will be spending his life with is more than happy to satisfy all his sexual fantasies and has no silly-ass hangups in the bedroom. Including worrying about how huge my {truly huge} ass is.)


Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!

Neanderthal my ass. It NOT about used goods, It is NOT about her holding a flame for someone else. I said it would be a problem if they stayed in the same town.

Stoid, How would you like to be in a room with 6 women who had torrid affairs with your husband? Now how about if a few were catty and wanted to throw it in your face? would this be a pleasant experience for you? If so, good for you. It would not be even slightly OK for any woman I know.

Talk about a freaking sexist prejudice. You assume that only men can get upset about their sig other’s ex-lovers. It goes both ways. You know that as well as I do.

I’ll give you an example. Friend of mine has a girlfriend. They have the discussion about who have you slept with, blah, blah. She says 2 guys, he says ten girls…all is well. One night at a bar it comes out that she has given BJ’s to about half the guys at the bar. Turns out everyone is totally crackin on this guy because she blows everybody (which she feels is not sex.)

I assume that you are saying that he should look around and think, “Wow, I bet my girl gives the best BJ’s in town! Goood for me!”

And I’ll say it again, I am talking about being in close proximity to these folks. I was not a virgin, nor was my wife, but I don’t have to to have daily reminders, rumors, wisecracks etc. thrown in my face on a regular basis. And being a non-virgin is not the same as having 1500 sexual partners by age 22.
Tell me, any guys out there who are looking for the woman who has slept with everyone in town?

I am happy that your man has a fetish for your sex life prior to him. Some guys like to hear about other men having sex with their wives. Some like to watch it. That is great for them. If everyone is happy with the situation, then boffo. But I doubt, very strongly, this is the norm for EITHER sex.

It is not about just men! Or do we have a consensus here from the female members that they would love a promiscuous man with ex flings all around town?

I have to support Mr. Zambesi in the concept that moving would probably be in order… because there’s a huge difference between “my wife has had other partners” and “the guy at the end of the bar knows what my wife’s nipples look like.” I think anyone who expects a virgin (excepting those whose
religion requires it) is being unreasonable. I think it’s probably a little harder for men than women, although I don’t know why (another thread?) I do know that every time I’ve checked, every study I’ve read supports the idea that what is a reasonable number of partners for a man is too many for a woman, at least in the eyes of most men. So while a man may be at ease with the expertise his wife or girlfriend learned from others, he does not want to have to think about those others - and he certainly doesn’t want to have to meet them on any regular basis.

You can only be a victim once. After that you’re just a volunteer.

Naomi Judd