What’s this “fake” family bullshit? Someone being blood kin to you makes them only marginally more likely to check in on you (note: NOT care for, or about, you) if you’re sick or dying.
For many folks, the 50s idyllic dream of blood kin (aunts, grandkids, etc.) all surrounding your life has simply never been reality and never will be reality.
(Only child here, and my parents immigrated from their respective Old Countries on another continent when I was little, so I have zero blood kin on this continent. Married to another only child, and he’s dead now anyway. I’ve always had a small “chosen” family, and the big noisy gathering I’ve seen in movies seems … foreign, even alien to me.)
P.S. cultivate friendships and all, but - having only now more thoroughly read your last paragraph - goddamn do I take a dim view of people who manufacture children for the sole purpose of having a caregiver that can be roped into the role at any time.
The point is not that you are solely trying to get married and have kids so that you don’t die a lonely death. The point is it seems there is/was a reason why it was made this way…that we should have families, procreate and multiply, because it’s the entire experience of life. You experience life and death, being young and innocent and being old and wise. I’m not saying everyone MUST get married and have kids in order to have a successful or fulfilling life, but there seems to be an inherent and innate quality about it that is undeniable as to why it makes us human and what it means to be human.
When you are a child, your parents should take care of you. When you grow up and can take care of yourself, you should also then return the duties of taking care of your parents when they are unable to (to some reasonable extent) as you would want your children to do the same for you and this cycle has existed and repeated itself in every generation. Nobody has cheated their way through life so it’s not like it’s unfair. Your parents paid their dues, and you will (should) have to also, as will your children and their children.
There’s the tribe you’re given, and the tribe you make.
That old saw, ‘blood is thicker than water’, is a misinterpretation of the real quote, ‘Blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.’ Blood of the covenant refers to those who spill blood beside you on the battle field. Or, in other words, those who stand with you as you fight life’s battles. The quote is saying THAT bond is thicker than the water of the womb.
People from highly dysfunctional, fractured families know the truth of these words. It’s not about who you share blood with, it’s about whom you choose to develop bonds with, very often in life.
When I was in college, I heard someone mention this reasoning for having children. And I thought, “What a terrible reason!” But now that I’m in my 50s, it’s not looking so awful any more.
I had to learn awhile back that nobody’s responsible for my happiness but me. That was too bad because I was really hoping someone would come along to fix my life. :dubious: But it was also a wake up that I didn’t have to settle for the way things were.
Strongly disagree. That is one common human path, but not the only nor the best path for everyone. I understand your point, but I think you’re making it seem much stronger than it really is. Families come in all shapes and sizes; some you are born into and some you make. Not all of them require having children or being pair bonded, although both of those can be important and common scenarios.
I am in that situation right now - my dad passed around 14 years ago, my brother in 2016 and my mother in 2017. I have absolutely no contact with my mothers side of the family [ostracized when she left the culture/religion] and with 1 of 4 cousins [2 had been ‘poisoned’ against the rest of the family by their mother, she was my uncle’s second wife and I did attempt to contact them when I moved to Connecticut. I have spent 30 years living in the same state less than 2 hours drive from either of them]
I was sad at my dad’s passing, and my brothers surprise passing [everybody, please stop smoking! Cancer sucks.] My mom left me oddly empty but not mournful, she hadn’t recognized me nor been able to communicate since about 2014 - Alzheimer’s sucks, I had made my adjustment to her not being around other than in an empty shell so my mourning was pretty much accomplished when she was alive.
I hate to admit it, I will actually mourn my husband’s loss more than anybody in my family. We were not a really communicative bunch …
My cutsie-pie Hallmark Channel story upthread really had more to it than just putting everybody into a Diabetic coma.
“Family” does not limit itself to blood relations. People become part of your family BECAUSE YOU SAY SO. That’s all it takes!
My husband’s father was married many times. His third (I think?) wife was a very dear woman, and we joked that if they ever got divorced, we’d get rid of him and keep her. They did eventually divorce, and he went on to do whatever, wherever. She was “Gramma” to my kids, and we loved her dearly until the day she died.
My friend MK lived across the street from me when we were kids. We grew up together, and that process often binds people toghter than any family ties. She was in dire straits when her husband died, and it took no strenuous effort for me to do whatever was necessary to help her. She could have resided in my spare bedroom forever. And I knew how dismal her financial situation was. I flat out told her: my invitation is open-ended. I ask for no money. The roof over your head, the utilities you use, the food you eat, I pay for.
When she walked into The Son’s house and saw COTU#3 and fell in love, she established her own bonds with The Son and his family. And she BECAME a member of his family.
You don’t need chromosomes, genes or blood to be a family. Family is created in the heart.
~VOW
I am a childless widower, but have a largeish extended family (2 sisters, 18 first cousins on one side and 6 one the other). All of the previous generation is now gone, my father was the last in 2005. Most of us are still around, lost two and a couple of spouses. I am about in the middle age-wise.
I do think about this from time to time. I don’t dwell upon the past, but have a lot of fond memories. My wife was from an even larger family, originally had over 40 first cousins (I’m not sure I ever met all of them). Oddly, only three of them are left.
It’s a feeling I have gotten used to, as many of the cousins are now in God’s waiting room. The oldest is 81, the youngest is 56.
I am used to living alone now, and being retired I have time to think about this. Between cousins, spouses of cousins and school classmates, I do seem to be seeing a lot of funerals. I think about my death, and wonder who will be the last to go.
I think I may have too much time to think.
My grandmother was a widower for the last 20 years of her life. Approximately 5 years before she died, her youngest son (my uncle) and his spouse passed away.
She was always a bit of a loner, except for family. After her last sibling died, my grandmother basically stopped living, even though her older son (my dad) was still living and she still had nieces and nephews who were interested in visiting and taking her places (shopping/restaurants/etc.).
She was alive for 2.5 years after her sister died, but she was mostly alone. She may have had some other issues (depression, dementia) which made it more difficult.
Basically, even though she had the option to be with family more, she didn’t want to be. She wanted to be needed, and she didn’t like being on the other end.
What I see with my parents is very different. They are very active in their church and their neighborhood. They have a very active social life outside of their blood relatives, none of whom are in the area. They have friends who are 10 years older and 30 years younger.
That said, I’m worried about what will happen when one of them goes. My mom’s parents, and grandparents, passed away within 6 months of each other. I think 20 years of widowhood for my grandmother was too much and I don’t wish that on anyone.