Everyone around you is dying

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Growing up we obviously live most of our lives having parents, even grandparents alive and well. This also includes all your uncles and aunts, and even your older siblings or cousins.

It never quite crosses our mind to think that one day we will literally be all alone when it comes to family. Everyone you ever knew and spent family time with will all be gone (assuming you are the youngest or one of the youngest in the entire family).

This also assumes that you are unmarried and therefore have no children of your own to continue “family” life.

I’m heading into that stage of my life where slowly all my grandparents have passed away (my last grandfather is near death and could pass at any day now). My parents are heading into that stage of life where you have to be prepared because you never know. This will also include most of my aunts and uncles except a couple of the youngest aunts are only in their 50s pushing 60.

I have one older sister and I am unmarried with no children and it may end up that way from here on out so this has made me think a lot about the future and how it will be something entirely different than I had always imagined as a kid growing up.

It never occurred me that quite possibility I’ll be all alone with no family. But more common is that almost everyone will end up living at some point in their lifetime with no more grandparents and no more parents.

Are any of you in that stage right now? Can I ask you how you feel about it and how have you dealt with it? I mean, there’s no choice really you have to deal with it one way or another, but I mean, can you share your experiences or feelings?

Maybe for some of you, it wasn’t that big of a transition because you have a lot of siblings, are married and have your own kids or even your own grandkids so you still feel like there’s a lot of family in your life and people to live for. But isn’t it a little strange sometimes when you find yourself realizing that everyone you ever knew that was older than you is all gone? Now you are the old one and while you may still feel comfortable with all the new family around you, at the same time, feel like you are all alone in terms of the old family and what you once knew as family is all gone. This also applies for all the celebrities and tv actors/musicians, that you grew up with all passing away and none of your idols or stars you loved growing up with are alive and all have died.

It’s just one of those things that we all have to go through I guess and it’s such a strange feeling. For some reason, I always imagined that my family would always be there with me even when I die…like my grandparents would see me get married or be by my bedside to comfort me or my parents even would be taking care of me when I’m old lol. It’s so weird but of course I know that they would have been long gone by that time (although in some cases parents do live and out live even their own own children.

My grandmother who just passed away a couple years ago at 99 years old almost outlived her 1st born son who is still alive but is 80+ and he could have died before her which would have been another hell of a question to ask…what’s it like for a parent to outlive their child and see them the grow old and die naturally (not by accident or disease etc).

That must be one heck of a strange feeling.

2

There are also nieces and nephews and first cousins, second cousins, etc.

3

I’m exactly the middle child. My Mother died when I was young. My Daddy died a few years ago. I have children and grandchildren.

I’ll never really be alone with large extended family.
But let me just say, even as adult it was a shock how bad my Daddy’s death affected me. He had been Mother and Father to us kids for a long time. I felt every bit the orphan. Like I had no moorings.
I’m just recently on the other side of a deep depression. I have some days still that eat me up.
My siblings were not all affected similarly. In fact none of them were as affected as me from what I could tell. I tried commiserate with them and they all chastised me to ‘try and get over it’
I just couldn’t. I had other issues in my life that most likely contributed to the depression. It was a hard slog.

My advice would be to try and make a network of friends and maybe more distant family. No one should be completely alone.
Humans need other humans. IMHO.

4

Not for everyone, and even if you do have them, you might well have never met them. I have one sister and we have a half-brother. None of us has kids. Dad is almost 91. We have 2 living first cousins and three first cousins once removed, whom we have only met once 25 years ago. I know we have second or third cousins but have never met them.

5

My best friend from high school, let’s call her Dee, is six months younger than me. She’s the co-youngest (twin) of 5 in her family, and she was born to a mother who was approaching 40. Her dad was older than her mum.

In contrast, I am the oldest child in my family, and I was born to 23 year old parents.

I’ve always found it so strange that we’re at such different places in our lives. Dee is not the oldest person in her family (still has two living older siblings) but she’s the oldest generation in her family - grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents all gone. Her mother died in 2009, and her Dad in 2018.

My last living grandparent died a week after Dee’s dad.

I still have great aunts and a great uncle, and a full set of aunts and uncles (touch wood).

I feel so far from being in the oldest generation in my family that I can’t really fathom Dee’s situation at all, and it gives me a sense of rising panic to contemplate. We’re barely mid-40s at this point. It feels too soon for us to be the oldest living generation - but that’s just life. She’s always had a more matter of fact attitude about it; it’s just always been her reality. Even back in high school, the rest of us had parents dealing with middle age stuff while hers were retiring.

6

Three of my grandparents died before I was 20 and the fourth one died in my early 30s. My parents both followed a few years later. I don’t have any siblings. Like the OP, I don’t anticipate any close relationships in the near or distant future.

I do have some aunts and uncles (and cousins) but it feels like with the death of my parents there’s nothing left that connects me to them. We’ve been in contact less and less frequently as time goes on.

I eventually got used to my current station in life.

7

Aside from very distant cousins I hardly know, I have no living family members. None of my aunts or uncles had children.
My mother had an abortion in 1940; that’s the closest I came to having a sibling. :frowning: I’m used to the situation,
but I think I would have loved to be part of a large family.

8

[Moderating]

Since there’s no question here, let’s move it to MPSIMS.

9

Our 3yo granddaughter is the only child of our only daughter. Her brother died at 19yo. That little girl is currently the only grandaughter of four grandparents who are all past retirement age. She does have some other relatives (cousins at various removes) but not in her own generation. For example, my great-niece has two daughters fast approaching their teens and they are actually a whole generation behind our granddaughter.

10

Mrs. L and I each have several siblings but we don’t stay in touch with them much. There are a variety of reasons. Some is from laziness, some is from old feuding, some don’t reach back when you reach out, whatever…we find ourselves largely disconnected. In this day and age of social media, cell phones, and all that it’s ironic, but there you have it.

The solution is to make friends. By definition these are people who value you for who you are, not because blood somehow obligates them to do so. There was a thread about going/not going to a parent’s funeral and I think it shows that people don’t emphasize those ties as much as they once did. So you need to build your own network. Off the top of my head you might start with coworkers, neighbors, Facebook, maybe church…

11

A friend of mine recently lost her mother; her father has been gone for a couple of years. She described herself to me as an orphan, even though she is very happily married (#2) and has grown children spread around (also several sisters and brothers, all married with kids, all spread across the country). I thought she was joking at first. She wasn’t. She feels the loss intensely. She’s also the oldest of her clan, so she feels like she might be the head of the family, a role she doesn’t want.

My best friend lost his mother about four years ago. Like me, he is single, early fifties. Unlike me, he still lives with his father. He has an (much) older brother that he gets along with, but they’re not buddies. He says he lost his lost his mother when she first had to be placed in a home due to Alzheimer’s, but not having here there at all bothers him. He’s very scared of losing his father.

My parents are in their early 80s. Mom can’t walk anymore. My only sister is a hopeless alcoholic, so not much help there. Somewhere along the way, my parents went from being Mommy and Daddy to being my best friends, and I am TERRIFIED of losing them, have been since my buddy lost his mom. (Haven’t seen them since the lockdown began, and they’re the only thing I really miss.) I have many relatives, but all are far away. So when the time comes, I will be effectively alone.

But I have made a life for myself, albeit a very quiet one. My house is paid for, my bills are under control, and I have three dogs to keep my happy. (At one point, I was completely alone for about six years, and although I loved it then, I couldn’t go without pets now. Found that out when I lost two a couple of years ago.) I’ll survive without my folks, but I won’t be happy about it. Mostly, my life will just get quieter.

I just hope that when my end comes it’s quick and painless, and I don’t have any pets to worry about leaving behind.

12

When my grandmother died, at just short of 108 years, she was the oldest. Nobody left in her generation. But she had tons of descendants, so she wasn’t alone. Still, she had lost everyone she came up with.

My mom is now the oldest, at just short of 88. She does have a younger sister though, but misses her older sister badly. So do I, for that matter, I loved my aunt. I’m the oldest child and have no kids, just two nephews. It’s getting kind of sparse for me, and I’m wondering what to do about that. My middle sister is my executrix, but is close to me in age… The nephews are nice young men, but I don’t know if they’d want to be burdened with me.

13

I’m where you are. I’m 41, unmarried, childless, one sibling. My parents are on the cusp of 70 with health problems. Grandparents are long gone, save my step-grandma who is now 90 and in a care facility.

What I’m dealing with now is that my friends’ parents are dying, and my parents’ friends are dying. Mom’s best friend died last year this time. Her other best friend died last week. My uncles have died. Even some of my mom’s sisters have died.

There was a point where I felt like I was losing my friends to spouses and kids. But I’ve learned to embrace my role as the single, childless friend and sister, and pursue my own endeavors while providing support for them. I’ve been pretty happy since I realized that “it takes all kinds” and my role in society is just as important as the typical person with kids. It’s just different.

I have made a point to nurture relationships with my friends’ kids. They call my auntie. I buy them gifts and send them Valentines and have a party for them every year at my house. It’s a tactic, sure, but it’s important. I hope at least some of them will give me some sort of attention when I am older.

I’ll miss my parents when they go, and a huge part of my current life will change when they do go. But as I said a lot of my friends have already gone through it, losing parents, and they’re still ok. I can’t dwell on it, I just have to remind myself to make peace with it now, as it’s how things work.

14

I was an accident, coming along when my mother was about 35 years old. My brother and sister were 11 and 10 when I was born. Even though they were older, it didn’t really occur to me that they would be gone in their 70s. My stepfather died in the 80s, my mother in 1991. My sister died in 2013 and my brother in 2015. So I’m the last of my immediate family at age 73 (next month). Even my remaining first cousin died a couple of years ago. It’s been a rough few years and it really pings my mortality bell.

15

I can understand the concerns of the OP.

A friend I’ve had for over 50 years was in a similar circumstance. We’ll call her MK. She and her husband had moved to the East Coast and established themselves there. They had no children. Both his folks and her folks lived in SCal, and over the years, all four of them passed away.

MK has an older brother, who moved his family to a Southern state. His wife is physically disabled, and he spends all his time caring for her.

So, MK had her ups and downs in her marriage, but she persevered. She figured the two of them would work through anything, and they’d be together. Mr MK had increasing debilitating heath issues, and was laid off from his job. Disability was not forthcoming, and her retail job didn’t meet all the bills, but she was trying to hang on with her fingernails.

She went to work one day, and all the employees were gathered together to be told, “This store is closing, you are all laid off.”

She drove home in a daze, only to find the Coroner parked on her front lawn. Her husband hd taken his own life.

I told her to sell everything, load up her car, and come live with me in NE AZ. (I said to Mr VOW, “By the way…”) She did just that.

We all left AZ in December to return to SCal for Christmas with our kids. We brought MK with us. The Son’s wife said that MK could stay with them.

The Daughter-in-law had never met MK. The Son only had vague memories of her from when he was little. MK walked in their front door, and met COTU#3, our grandson, and immediately fell in love.

Long story short: today, years later, MK lives permanently with The Son, The Daughter-in-law, and COTU#3 . They have all “adopted” each other. She is known as “Nana” to COTU#3.

Sometimes things work out in ways you never dreamed possible
~VOW
(COTU#1, COTU#2, COTU#3 are my grandchildren. COTU stands for “Center of the Universe”)

16

My parents, both 83, feel alone because as you say, many of their friends have died or cannot travel anymore. And they cant travel anymore and missed the families last wedding so yes, it can be tough.

17

I mean this in the kindest way possible, but: “speak for yourself.”

Some of us do not have a lot of family, few aunts and uncles and siblings and cousins. And few or no children. I for one have been acutely aware from a young adult age of this fact. The TV image of the large loving family at the lake house, or crowded around the birthday celebration, or hospital bed, is a fantasy for some.

18

Both of my parents are deceased, and neither my older brother nor I ever had kids. Considering my health issues, both he and I both assumed I’d be next. Then, this past January, he died. So I’m the only one of the immediate family still living. I have to admit, it’s a weird feeling.

Almost all of my aunts and uncles are gone too, except two aunts-by-marriage. One is 100 and the other is in her late 90s. I haven’t seen them in quite a few years.

I have lots of first cousins, being exactly in the middle age-wise. Some of them are already gone, and I haven’t seen most of the rest in years. There are some I haven’t seen since I was a little kid.

If it weren’t for my husband, this would be depressing. But he is my rock, and I’m happy to be alone with him.

19

I wonder how feasible it would be to form an online support group for adults with no family.

20

Wow, thank you everyone for sharing your personal stories and life experience. While it is true that not everyone is in the same boat, and there are many people out there who have large families and growing families, the reality is that most of the world is trending the other way. Families are getting smaller, people are getting married less and having children less. Think about even 1 child families and what that child’s future will be like and if they have children, it would be even worse, no aunts uncles or cousins.

It is quite possible that you will be all alone when it comes to immediate family.

In fact, it’s going to be so common and so normal that I believe the very meaning and definition of family will change. Families will no longer be about bloodlines but it will be “artificial” families, meaning, friendships and community members you choose will become your family. These people will be the ones you spend birthdays and christmas’ etc with. People will bond together who are not blood related to form their own families.

There is a saying that seems to hold a lot of truth and there’s not much we can do about it except to simply accept it as life and that is living in “quiet desperation”. We all know it’s coming. We all know what to expect. But it’s like there’s nothing we can do about it. We’re going to be alone or for the most part, we’re going to say goodbye to everyone we ever knew (before us). The antidote might be something like Dylan Thomas’
Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

I would think there are many kinds of online support groups for people like this who have no family left. But it’s still not enough I think. As humans, we need physical bonding. We need to have a physical community to be part of and it’s not enough to be alone but have a digital connection with people online. Perhaps with the further development of A.I. and virtual reality, we can re-create our families and live a “fake” but perceptually real family life again and die that way…even if we know it’s fake, it’s more real than being alone.

I see this in the future. Reality and virtual reality will be almost indistinguishable and people would rather escape into a real “fake” family and existence than to be in reality alone. The technology is getting there.

When my grandmother passed away at 99, for years and even the final few months before she passed, she was constantly surrounded by family, friends, visitors, children, grandchildren etc…I thought to myself, she’s actually really lucky, because she has all this family and people around her to care for her and comfort her as she was going. When I am old and going, I will have no one by my side. My parents will be long gone. My sister may or may not be gone but she’s older than me and she also is also unmarried so we’ll have no nephews or nieces or children of our own to visit us and be by our side. I may have a couple cousins but for the most part, we are not very close cousins anymore as we once were in our childhood. Families drift apart and people no longer have a need to see each other or stay bonded.

I have a couple friends but that’s about it. I wouldn’t say I have the kind of friends that would be by my bedside…most would not even know about it unless I actually reached out and contacted them and ask them to comfort me despite not having seen or heard from each other for years etc. That’s not going to happen.

The reality is, I may end up dying alone only with a stranger nurse who is right now some little girl in africa or philipines being educated and one day will immigrate to my country and become a nurse or caregiver here. This is the reality. It is very sobering and sad. I guess it’s always a chance for me to make sure that doesn’t happen that way…and I can still get married have kids a family and make more meaningful life friendships so as to not be alone when I’m old and needy.

Hmm food for thought.