Jennifer’s people called, and she has prior commitments she can’t get out of, not for at least two years.
If this is time-sensitive, they can offer us Meg Tilly in full mope-mode.
Is it a go?
IIRC, Whedon co-wrote the screenplay for Toy Story.
Happy Clam Studios, in association with SDMB Productions, presents…
The Movie of The Century (and Every Other Century, Before or Since!)…
Adapted from the (unwritten) Best-Selling Novel Co-Written by Raymond Feist and Stephen King (based on plot outlines by Jane Austen)…
With Special Effects By WETA, Screenplay by Joss Whedon, Soundtrack by Nick Cave, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Andre 3000 and Lordi…
Directed by Joss Whedon, J.M.S. and Stephen Spielberg…
With an All-Star Cast, the New, Dramatic, Hilarious, Sensational, Satirical, Historically Faithful film noir Reimagining of the Life of Jesus Christ…
Fact-Checking by the One And Only Cecil Adams!!!..
JESUS!
Starring:
Ewan Mcregor as Jesus!
Angelina Jolie as Mary Magdalene!
Alan Rickman as Judas Iscariot!
Samuel L. Jackson as Peter!
Chris Walken as St. Peter!
Anthony Hopkin as the Narrator!
Micheal Keaton as Batman!
Shawn Micheals as the Archangel Gabriel!
Dakota Fanning as Angel #1
Cute Little Jack Russel Terrier as Angel #2!
Michael Moore as Himself
Paul Verhoeven as Likewise!
James Earl Jones as The Voice of God!
Geena Davis, Laura Linney, Jennifer O’Dell as Helpful Lesbian Cheerleaders #1-3!
Jennifer Tilley as Predatory Bisexual Cheerleader!
Bruce Campbell as Head Cop/Longinius!
Shania Twane as Mute Girl in Tight Corset!
Jason Smith as Silent Bob!
Kevin Mewes as Jay!
Jim Carrey as Spit Take Guy!
Stan Lee as Cameo-Man!
Logline: An obsessive-compulsive amnesiac messiah, a quirky angelic swordsman, a wisecracking gangsta rapper and a team of helpful cheerleaders join together for a heist in a Broadway theatre during an earthquake…but one of them will eventually turn on all the others!
Plot Outline: (contributions from the SDMB in italics- your’s is in there, somewhere!) After a dramatic, intensely-historically-accurate pre-titles scene in which Jesus (Ewan Mcregor) is crucified in a full-frontal bondage manner* while Mary Magdalene (Angelina Jolie), St. Peter (Chris Walken) and Judas Iscariot (Alan Rickman) and Longinius (Bruce Campbell) look on, we are plunged forward 2000 years by the titles sequence, a brief animated history of the time between Jesus’ cruxifiction and the present day, produced by Pixar.
Reincarnated with amnesia in modern-day New York (complete with cameo appearances by the Fantastic Four, Batman, Jay and Silent Bob, and the Simpsons on vacation [claymationed by Nick Park]), Jesus befriends a streetwise gangsta-rapper with a heart of gold (Samuel L. Jackson) named Peter and tries to make his way in this strange new world, which is plagued by earthquakes, strange lights in the sky, ninjas, and other signs of the end times.
Beset by the evil Liberal Media Conspiracy on the one hand (led by Michael Moore, playing himself, trying to disprove Jesus’ divinity, because he hates peace and love) and a bitingly satirical performance by Paul Verhoeven (playing an obsessive film director trying to convince Jesus to be crucified again so that he can make it into a film) on the other, and torn by his love for the reincarnation of Mary Magdalene (Angelina Jolie again, natch), now a lesbian cheerleader in a Broadway show written by Andrew Lloyd Webber (the show is set in 1850’s England, and features corsets covered by beautiful dresses)- who rejects him, unable to see past his obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. Her colleagues, helpful lesbian cheerleaders (Geena Davis, Laura Linney, Jennifer O’Dell, who will all get naked for a few scenes of hot lesbian loving at some point) attempt to help Jesus win her love- all except for the bisexual Delilah (Jennifer Tilley, in full-on vamp mode) who wants Jesus for herself.
He is also the victim of multiple attempts on his life by Judas Iscariot, apparently reincarnated also! However, his faith remains strong (in contrast to Judas’s cynical atheism) thanks to visits from helpful angels (played by Dakota Fanning and a cute little Jack Russel) and the Archangel Michael (Shawn Michaels), who incarnates as an exceptional if eccentric swordsman to help him achieve his destiny as the Messiah. Together with Peter, Michael persuades Jesus to stage a whimsical heist on the Broadway show in order to impress Mary.
We see Judas having a long dialogue with a mysterious, deep voice (James Earl Jones), undergoing a crisis of faith as he wonders whether he should, in fact, be trying to kill Jesus. However, at this point Michael shows up, and kicks Judas’s ass. He returns to Jesus (although telling him nothing of his brutal assualt- lots of film noir dramatic irony, tension and camera styles here), and they begin the heist. However, it is interrupted (in the middle of an * Andrew Lloyd-Webber musical number*) both by an earthquake and by hundreds of cops, led by a man who looks startingly like Longinius (Bruce Campbell), and all dressed in the uniforms of Roman legionaries due to a mix-up at the policeman’s costumed ball. They have been led there by Judas, who battles Jesus, both armed with an exploding sword (prop mix-up). During the swordfight, Judas realises that Jesus is not the religous maniac he had assumed, and explains to Jesus that…
It has all been a set-up! The angels are actually giant alien robots in disguise, who have been manipulating Jesus all this time, trying to bring enslave the human race! In a climactic final scene following a car chase to escape the cops/legionaries, Jesus rallies the population of New York (including the superheroes, the Roman cops, and the Simpson family) from the roof of the Empire State Building, and leads them in a massive assault on the chief alien (Shawn Michaels, having shed his Gabriel disguise).
While a massive space battle (a sop to the sci-fi fans, it will have no sound and be strictly accurate in physcics terms) rages outside, Jesus confronts the Chief Alien in his throne roam, accompanied by Peter and Mary. As all the people he has met during his adventure (Batman, lesbian cheerleaders, the works) battle the alien troops (who look suspiciously like monkey vampire ninjas), the Chief Alien explains to Jesus that his race has manipulated humanity over thousands of years, using advanced technology to create the “myth of God”, including overwriting the DNA of certain individuals to reincarnate Jesus, Mary and Judas. Their aim is to fool the human race into believing in the Second Coming, so they will willingly serve as slaves in the alien’s galactic empire. Now that their plot has been discovered, the Chief Alien will have no choice but to destroy the world with his Earthquake Weapon.
Taking on the Chief Alien one-on-one in a deadly sword (lightsaber?) battle, Jesus distracts him long enough (with his superior fighting skills) for Judas to appear behind the Alien and kill it- however, he is grievously wounded in the attempt (suprisingly enough, in his wrists and ankles).
Having now twice given his life to save the human race, Jesus lies dying in the arms of a weeping Mary Magdalene, while Judas explains that this means there was no God all along, just the aliens. However, even as he does so, The Voice of God (James Earl Jones) booms down from the heavens (mentioning as he does so that he was the one to reincarnate Judas, creating a pleasing irony and scotching a continuity error before it even starts), declaring Jesus the new messiah! His wounds healed, Jesus, Mary, Peter, Judas, and all the lesbian cheerleaders ride off into the sunset!
All rights reserved, Jesus Christ this took a long fucking time! I hope you vultures are happy now…there’s supposed to be some cowbell, but I don’t know what that is.
BRAVO! (Brava? Are you a boy clam or a girl clam?)
Perhaps as they ride off into the sunset, they ride through a herd of cows. With bells.
All rights reserved, Jesus Christ this took a long fucking time! I hope you vultures are happy now…there’s supposed to be some cowbell, but I don’t know what that is.
[/QUOTE]
But…but…where does Quentin Taratino fit in?
Tarantino, damn it.
Shouldn’t we get Geena in dual roles? She was listed twice in the original recap.
Geena does twins!
::stares at Happy Clam skeptically over his rich mahogany desk while sereptitiously checking his watch to see if it is time for his lunch with Halle Berry::
I don’t know… It’s an OK concept, but I think you need to punch it up a little. What if we got Justin Timberlake to play Jesus?
OK so not for me , but apparently most of the universe needs to see some reference to codes or random mystical numbers/sequences.
For me can we get Mr U. Eco involved?
Zombies? Hello? How can it be a success without zombies?
Sigh, everyone’s a critic! (Except you, WhyNot. You’re sweet. I’m a guy, btw.)
Ok, Geena Davis will play Helpful Lesbian Cheerleaders #1 and #4, representing identical twins.
The screenplay will be co-written (adapted from the best-selling novel by Stephen King, Raymond Feist and Umberto Eco) by Joss Whedon and Quentin Tarantino (who will not, however, be allowed to act in the movie, although he may help direct it).
The aliens will release a horde of zombies on New York, and Jesus will have to take time out of his busy schedule to turn them.
Justin Timberlake will play Jesus’s evil clone, whom he must fight on board the alien spacecraft before battling the Chief Alien.
And Judas will learn the truth after deciphering an elaborate code hinting at the alien’s involvement that God leaves scattered through the pages of the book of Revelations.
Everybody happy yet?
(Great suggestion on the cowbells!)
We need to add another cheerleader, played by Sarah Michelle Gellar, who kills off Jennifer Tilley’s character in the dramatic zero-gravity space battle scene (with no sound and no banking, of course) where they fight it out in the control room of the Earth’s flagship.
Oh, and can we get John Williams involved in the score somewhere?
And where’s the steel-cage death match between Michael Moore and Ann Coulter (with swords–sharp curvey ones)?
Look, I’m a sucker for Señor Wences - how about we have Pixar digitally re-animate him, and then Jesus can do a hella wicked scene with Pedro-in-the-box, while stuff gets blowed up in the background?
“I am the Way, s’alright?”
“S’alright!”
I did not know this… I didn’t even know at the time who Joss Whedon was. But I was, in fact, so there, thus proving my earlier assertation.
Oh, and The Movie ought to be a sequel, too. That seems to be a big crowd-drawer.
Representative cross section of humanity, my eye! I finally had to register so I could remind y’all that a movie is not a movie without a train in it - preferably runaway, or busting-up-the-caboose-to-fire-the-boiler, but even that lonesome whistle moan offscreen will do in a pinch…
Is it too late to throw in a vote for Kate Winslet?
And maybe Ewan as Jesus can have a gay sex scene with Christian Bale or Jon Rhys Meyers who plays the disciple John?
Only if we can insert Uma Thurman as the Whore of Babylon!
So, in other words … there can be only one?
Or both of them and one of them can play Judas! Betrayal with a kiss, indeed. We can top that.