There is a PCC store near where I work. For the uninitiated, PCCs are Co-Op type stores that are midway between the old school hippie co-ops and the modern gentrified version of co-ops. So, what this means is that you basically have a store with mediocre selection, bad (but groovy) customer service that is over-priced. It is the sort of place that you always settle for what you buy, rather than leaving with what you were in the mood to eat.
Anyway. This store is quite lax with paying attention to the sell-by dates on their products. One of my evil fantasies is that I walk in and then go from shelf to shelf and literally fill the shopping cart (or more than one if I have to) with every single product in the store that is past its date, wait for them to ring everything up and then glance down and say “oops, everything here has expired. Never mind”. Then walk out. Naturally, I would never actually do this but I do dream about it.
Every damn time one of the Japanese dudes here hocks a loogey, I just totally want to slap the back of his head. I mean, yeah you take off your shoes before going into your house, but damn there must be a good three millimeters of fosilized loogey coating on every sidewalk in Tokyo.
I would also go for the guys who piss on the walls of everywhere, except I’d be afraid they would turn around mid-stream.
You know what would be a totally cool invention? Something like a one shot use “pee caltrop”. I am picturing a flat disk with a pretty powerful battery that you press a button and then drop in the forming puddle. The battery then briefly electrifies the puddle and then the current naturally travels upstream.
There needs to be something like a Wi-Fi cattle prod which I can use on the idiots that drive too fast, too slow, cut me off, don’t let me change lanes etc…
Also those oppressive gorcery store managers that keep the same damn cherries on the shelf for over 5 days need to get a taste of their own unsound business practices.
I always thought that if I ever managed to become POTUS, I’d fake an alien invasion, and use that to rally the world to a unified government, and then I’d take over. Muhahahahahahahaha …
I want to start pushing people forward when it’s time to get off the plane, so they will move faster.
I want a huge magnet on a big helicopter. I would use this magnet to pick up cars driven by rubberneckers and drop them off somewhere miles away from civilization. They would be dropped off even further away if what they were looking at on the side of the road turned out to just be a stopped car, with no visible damage and nothing whatsoever of interest about it.
I also want to do something unpleasant (I haven’t figured out what yet) to people who pay with checks at stores. There are these things called debit cards, people. Some of you may know them as ATM cards. They work the same way as a check, but you DON’T HAVE TO HUNT FOR A PEN AND WRITE A CHECK AND MAKE EVERYONE BEHIND YOU WAIT WHILE YOU DO IT. And you’re even worse than the usual check-writing morons if you even think about balancing your checkbook before you clear out of the line.
Oh, YEAH! Gimme one. For the jerks who shine their ultra-bright lights in my rear-view, too. And the ones whose lights are so high up it doesn’t matter what setting they’re on.
I’d like a magic Hair Ray to grow instant fuzz on all those bad-ass-wannabee dudes with shaven heads.
I’d also like it to have a setting that causes everybody wearing uncomfortably warm clothing in August to immediately drop to the sidewalk with heat stroke. Maybe we’ll lose a few stupid people in the process.
I want to get a device that, when aimed at impossibly loud car stereos (window-shakers), switches from whatever rap-crap or heavy metal the driver is listening to NPR or the local “easy listening” station.
I also want a camera that takes a picture of the driver’s reaction when the music changes.
Well, it’s not a healthy Christian attitude. Love you enemies and all that. Anyway, I’m sure that if anyone in the Western world knew where this cave was, Dubya would have sent in the Air Force to reduce Mr. Bin Laden to his component molecules by now.
OK, evil fantasies…
Every time I get behind one of those old ladies that never drive faster than about 30 MPH, I fantasize about taking her driver’s license away from her and cutting it up.
My dad was having a problem with dogs peeing on his garbage cans–you can see where this is going, can’t you?–and so he laid a big piece of sheet aluminum in front of his can, and wired one side of an extension cord to the sheet and the other to the can (with a light bulb in the circuit as a current limiter). He’s laying in bed that night, hears a tremendous yelp, and there’s never any urine on his garbage cans again.
The only disadvantage was that he couldn’t tell the story without practically busting a gut laughing.
