all right dopers, up and at 'em. i have been plotting and scheming for quite some time now to overthrow world governments and establish dominion over the earth (and possibly the moon). but you can’t threaten the U.N. without something to back you up. believe me, that boutros-boutros was on helluva bluff-caller. now as you can tell (since none of you all are bowing sycophantically towards me or offering little holocausts to statue-festooned altars of mine), i haven’t been successful. my last idea was a device which would cause all electronic devices on earth to short-circuit. but it blew itself up when i turned it on.
ever since, i have been absolutely DYING to find a way to wipe that smug little smirk off of kofi anan’s face.
here is your mission: gimme some sort of world-domination scheme. anything, people; beggars can’t be choosy (and choosy moms choose jif- but i digress). the designer of the first effective plan will be offered 10% of all booty looted, and will have permanent demigod status under the state religion, Rococo (fucking sue me- i like the word).
please people, no weather machines or death rays. i mean, at least be original.
In high school, the math geeks (who were one clique removed from the drama geeks, of which I was a proud member,) had a plan that involved building up enough static electricity by rubbing thier feet on the carpet in the library (notoriously static-conducive) to transport them into the 4th demension, at which time they would travel back in time and take over the world with their superiour knowledge of the stock market and how to make really good pizza. The plan was later ammended to include rolling a particularly flatulent physics teacher in the library room carpet, and THEN rubbing thier feet on it, which would most certainly cause quite an explosion.
I have another friend who plans to take over the world with a plan entitled “The Fat-a-thon,” but if I told you, he’d have to kill me.
My plan was to leave the refrigerator door open and bring about a new ice age. The energy required to do this and to keep the little light on as well would use up all the world’s fossil fuels, except for a few million barrels that I planned to keep in reserves in the basement. So, in this new ice age, anyone needing fuel to heat themselves would have to deal with me. In this manner, I could gain control of the world’s financial and political structures. Unfortunately, my mom made me close the door. She never lets me have any fun.
I hear anal-retentiveness goes a long way towards being a rat bastard. Chill out, mang. My new regime will not be about how deft some are with their pinky fingers, but peace, love, and me-worship. you are not making a good first impression with your future deity.
how’s about this? i become a media mogul, and launch a bumload of satellites into geosynchronos orbit. Then, while everybody thinks i’m simply broadcasting reruns of “Three’s Company” and “Joanie Loves Chachi”, i have the satellites connect to one another via telescoping poles or robotic tendrils. upon my command, retrorockets inside the satellites fire and cause this orbiting annular structure to spin. depending on how much i fire the rockets, i can disrupt rotation of the earth through angular momentum conservation.
whenever the president apppears in public, i use my giant orbiting watchface to shine reflected sunlight in his eyes. not enough to kill him, mind you, but enough to piss him off. that’s when i ask for the dough.
although i’m sure you’ve done your research into how to rule the world once you’ve conquored it, here are some always useful tips and reminders: http://minievil.eviloverlord.com/
best of luck to you. i ruled it for a while, but i’ve since retired. its actually pretty boring once you get into it.
How 'bout me a Mully throwing you a telethon to raise caps for you?
All you’d have to do is sit drooling in a wheelchair… uh, nevermind, you’re doing that already.