So, you're an Evil Genius- what's your Doomsday Device?

Let’s suppose for a moment that you’ve become an Evil Genius.

You’re sitting in your Leather Chair in the Control Room of your Hollowed Out Volcano Lair, the deadline for the UN to deposit all the world’s money in your Cayman Islands Bank Account has long passeed, the Secret Agent sent to investigate your Nefarious Plans has been inexplicably delayed in Morocco by a baggage handler’s strike, and nothing stands between you and the enactment of your Evil Plan except the simple matter of pressing the shiny red “LAUNCH” button on your desk.

So, what’s the Doomsday Device on your Rocket?

Something which will cause every volcano on Earth to erupt simultaneously? Black out every TV, Radio, Computer, MP3 Player, and Stereo system on the planet? Maybe you’re going to block out the sun? Or maybe you’re going to you’re going to broadcast Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass’ Little Spanish Flea through every set of speakers on Earth, driving the entire planet completely insane?

Me? I’d like to arrange for the Monty Python Foot to randomly flatten Important Buildings throughout the globe, but realistically I’d probably go for something like shutting down the entire planet’s communication systems- no more internet, telephones, radio, TV, etc- at least, until the UN put all the world’s money into my offshore bank account. Once that happened, I’d reactivate the world’s communication systems, but seeing as no-one would have any money I would, of course, purchase them for nothing and then maintain my grip over the world’s TV, Radio, Internet, and Telecommunications, just in case anyone got any ideas in the future.

I’ll take my victory sandwich in the study, thanks. :smiley:

So, what would your Doomsday Device be if you were an Evil Genius?

Make Bush President for life? :eek:

That’s a depressing thought, so in the spirit of the thread:

  • incredibly potent laughing gas (only I and a few trusted subordinates have the antidote)

  • make all men impotent (reversible on my command)

  • give bald men back their hair (if they pay the ransom)

It’s a giant magnifying glass, applied much like the one you used to fry ants when you were a kid. Except that it’s orbiting the planet.

Muahahahahaha

My machine would launch rockets containing concentrated doses of viagra, spanish fly, and barry white albums into every major city.

I would load up the rockets with explosive, radioactive bird flu.

My idea for Doomsday is a little different (and yes, I have been thinking about this as a matter fact). My device would be an impenetrable shell encompassing most of the solar system. No ships will be able to pass through in either direction.

At this point, my minions (chosen according to my criteria) will have begun seeding new star systems with human colonies. Earth would be left as a preserve of sorts: we would not be allowed to interfere, and they would never be allowed out. My ultimate goal would be to grant immortality to the human race, spreading them over so many worlds that even if they destroyed their own planet through greed, war or short-sightedness, there would always be populations somewhere that live on.

As for Earth, I think this qualifies as a Doomsday device because I will have robbed Earth of a precious resource: the heavens and all the hope they represent. Earth will still have sunlight and satellites will still function, so life will go on just as it had before save for that one loss. No more will people be able to dream of one day exploring undiscovered worlds, or that visitors from another planet will come to save them. All of the problems resulting from millennia of civilizations and centuries of industrialization will have to be solved by them and them alone, with nothing but the planet they’ve already got.

Kittens. And puppies. Everywhere. Pictures of them blanketing the airwaves. Playful, frolicing kittens and puppies.

Once everybody is in a diabetic coma from sweetness overload, my minions can empty the DeBeers warehouses and I can exact revenge on that company in the name of every male on the planet. The men will then elect me their king, and I will rule benevolently.

An iron fist. (Metaphorically, of course).

The trouble a lot of up-and-coming Evil Geniuses have is that their methods are all flash and sizzle, but have no real substance or staying power. See, blowing up the moon isn’t an end in and of itself, merely a single stop in a very long jouney to World Domination. You get a lot of amateurs out there that think a single nuclear suitcase an Evil Genius makes. Well, it just doesn’t work that way. It takes, vision, planning and hordes of devoted (and expendable) henchpersons.

Nine out of ten freshman Evil Genius with Volcano Lairs and a Moon Rays™ bought them from SmithCo Enterprises. Do you really think we’d make this stuff available to the general public if we thought any of these guys were actually dangerous?

Dangerous to me, I mean

Me? I’d slowly increase the carbon dioxide in the atmosphere until the Earth’s mean temperature rises. This will cause increased frequency of hurricanes and eventual melting of the polar ice caps. Then I’d get Democrats and Republicans to disagree about the causes of it, thus taking all suspicion away from me.

Next I’d sow unrest in the middle east, so that acts of war and terrorism increase.

Lastly, I’d create vapid but addictive television shows of Fox, so that all of America will be entertained while I carry out my nefarious plans.

I take checks.

I’ll crib a line from the Evil Overlord Rules List, and give everybody free-of-cost, free-of-restriction T3 connections to the Internet. I figure the world’s economy will shut down in under an hour.

If I told you, I’d have to kill you…

Probably in some convoluted, time consuming way and I wouldn’t even stick around to see it through. What?

Well, since somone already stole my original plan for world domination I’m not sure what I would use.

Whatever I use, I’m sure it will involve bubble wrap.

I’d just give cats opposable thumbs. Fini.

This is supposed to be a joke thread. You’re just being Pure Evil.

Then again, can anything that’s unconscious 23 hours a day be much of a threat?

Start a worldwide advertising campaign involving Magic Eye ™ posters and billboards. Tell people that the first 100 people who can correctly identify the message hidden in the poster will each receive one million dollars. Of course there will be no message hidden in the posters. People will waste time staring at the images until their eyes become blurry and their heads ache. Traffic will come to a standstill and massive collisions will occur as motorists attempt to find the message in the billboards. When most people are either blind or insane I will then take over.

Using tech availiable in real life:
Ball bearings. Millions of 'em. Shot into space and flooding all the useful orbits. All satellites are destroyed, and space would be essentially denied to all humanity for decades, if not forever.

Simultaneously, I have my minions in submarines attack all trans-oceanic cables. Also, I bomb any communications chokepoints I can find, and unleash a nasty computer virus, just to be sure.

Using fantasy tech:
I engineer a virus. Highly contagious and impossible to beat, but not fatal. It targets and destroys the language centers of the brain, rendering the victims unable to communicate or comprehend. I call it the Babel strain.

Destroy the Earth? Small potatoes!

I’d use my particle accelerator to create a tiny bubble of True Vacuum. The bubble will expand at the speed of light, changing the fundamental laws of the universe and destroying everything in existence!

Everyone will already be dead from the Ice-9 I dropped in ocean a few years before anyway … .

What’s the sense of making people suffer if they can’t comprehend their own suffering? :rolleyes:

This is exactly why you should leave this kind of thing to the pros.

I will create a ray that, when fired, gives large populations massive, uncontrollable, diarrhea. Then I will laugh.

And hopefully involving the frivolous use of some formerly-plentiful resource?