Evolution sucks!!!

Ok, this is a total slam on evolution.

One day, man won’t have to shave (I presume).

I mean, I’m not a naval officer and I wear cold weather clothes when needed.

Why do I need to shave every day?!?

I mean come on, razors are EXPENSIVE! Have you seen the price of a four pack of Mach 3’s recently? Even at Costco where I buy in bulk I am paying out the wazoo!

Not only that, prices of consumer goods are about to skyrocket! (I mean really, gas is WAY expensive and trucks log something like 40 billion miles a year to bring consumer goods to your local market)*

How long will it be before I evolve to the point I no longer have to shave every morning without worrying about beard growth?

What other things would you want evolution to put on the ‘expidite’ track?? I think wisdom teeth are next aren’t they??

  • please read my username - I know this is not a legit number but it is somewhere relatively close as I read a Phoenix newspaper article while sitting at a La Madaleine restaurant this weekend scratching at my two-day growth.

Personally, I could really use a couple extra fingers on each hand.

And it would be nice if my turds smelled like flowery meadows instead of turds.

I would like to be double-jointed, and be able to turn my head all the way around. It would so help checking to see if I had VPL before going out.

Some days, I feel as if I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers.

You don’t need to shave now.

Really? What would you use them for?

I only need 5 to masturbate. I can’t really imagine any function more important than that.

You could cut your balls off. It won’t stop the beard growing, but should slow it down a bit. One razor. Cheap.

That one razor would be Occam’s, I guess, since in a roundabout way that’s the simplest solution.

My complaint about evolution is that it’s too slow. If it moved at a respectable rate, I wouldn’t be surrounded by so many millions of frustrating motherfuckers on this planet.

What makes you think that? As far as I can tell, evolution seems to select in favor of frustrating motherfuckers.

I have been longing for an additional pair of arms for years. Think how nice it would be - how often are you carrying a bunch of things and need to open a door?

I, myself, would like to be able to disarticulate my jaw so as to consume prey many times larger than myself, which I would then digest for a few weeks.

Wouldn’t you know…

Well, I want to be immortal, have an IQ of 500, full spectrum vision, organically generated carbon tubule muscles, monocrystalline diamond/titanium composite bones, chameleonic skin, an enhanced immune system, and laser eyes.

C’mon, evolution. I’m waiting . . .

Well, in the past US Naval officers were permitted beards. Today, however, they’re not unless they have a medical exemption.

How about for religious reasons, for example Sikhs?

I do. I have a beard that never becomes a real beard, it just starts out looking scruffy and then gets progressively scruffier. It’s never a five o’clock shade either, it’s always just a raggy, scruffy, shitty rug of sporadic hair. When I was in the hospital I didn’t shave for four weeks or so, and it still didn’t turn into a real beard. So either I shave or I look like total shit and itch all the time.

If the Taliban take over Sweden, I’ll have to get a false beard to avoid execution.

Apparently we’ve stopped evolving. I’d love to have seen what we looked like when we started out, though.

There wasn’t much to see.

Our joints, particularly the knees and spinal column, just aren’t sturdy enough. Our cartilage needs to be replaced with something that’s much longer lasting while providing superior cushioning and flexibility. Perhaps also a bit of re-shaping to optimize for walking upright and spending extended periods sitting.

Yeah, but then you’d get used to having four arms, and use them all to carry stuff, and then say “wouldn’t it be nice to have six arms, then I would be able to open this door”. Repeat indefinately.