Excuse me, is that a hovercraft?

The BBQ Pit
1

I know it must be, because why else would you park it right in the fire lane there. I know you couldn’t have a driver’s license without being able to read (for example, the huge fucking sign–excuse me, THREE signs–reading “NO PARKING, FIRE LANE”). So I know that’s not it.

Even if the signs weren’t there, I know sheer common sense would tell you that if you stopp right in the fire lane right by the door to the convenience store, while other cars are getting gas from the pumps, there will be NO WAY for other cars to get by. They will be effectively TRAPPED there while you’re inside slowly weighing all the pros and cons of the lifeshattering decision of buying the pink-coconut flecked Sno-Balls over the King Dons. Anyone can see that with just a cursory glance. You wouldn’t even need to have passed high school geometry class to see it.

Having ruled those out, I can only presume that your car has the miraculous capability of rising up and hovering 7 feet in the air, out of the way, while other cars pass underneath. So what’s the secret? A series of polite horn taps from me? A button on your key fob? How do you get that thing to get the fuck off the pavement so I can take my TurboGuzzler Diet Pepsi I just bought and drive out here to GET ON WITH MY GODDAMN life?

Perhaps instead of parking your lazy ass right outside the door, you should put that fucker in gear in drive down to The Ripley’s Believe It Or Not! Museum. Isn’t it in Florida somewhere? I’m sure they’d be most interested in this amazing vehicle that LOOKS like a piece of shit, but is instead an major advancement in science. Tell Dean Cain hi for me, willya?

2

Thanks Cranks.

When I first realized, about 5 years ago, that my 72 Dodge van with the bed rack in the back would cost more to fix than it was worth, and I would probably would never be able to afford ANY other car, tears filled my eyes.
From then until right now, I have nightly dreams about driving to some great place like the Russian River where I used to go to the nude beachesin the mornings, my favorite pub in the afternoon and evening, and just crash anywhere in the van.
Thanks for reminding me of the downside of driving. Like coming around a curve on river road and finding two people hanging from their seatbelts, their car upside down and crossways in the road.
And the myriad of other fucks you have to negotiate to get anywhere.
Although I still would like to be able to drive, perhaps your post will help to allay the dreams.
As HAL said, “Will I dream?”
Maybe I will dream of hovercraft.
Hang in Cranky.
Rick

3

My hovercraft is full of eels.

4

If it is any consolation, if there is a fire, or even a call to that address, you can be sure that an engine crew will run the leakiest 5.5 inch hose on the rig, right through the car. If the violent destruction of this car in your mind alone is not enough, see Backdraft for cites. The rest of the movie is crap.

“You go, we go!”

Uh, yeeeahhhh…

Except for, “Put your helmet on probey…”
and the whole rescuing the dummy.

Other than that, crap.