Excuse me roommates? Fuck off.

It is resolved that:

Nocturne is always the one who cleans up after her roommates. Even though cleaning ladies come into the suite to clean up the bathroom, Nocturne’s roommates somehow manage to get the bathroom filthy again after two days. And the hallway? Nocturne let the hallway get disgustingly covered in hair and dust bunnies, wanting to see if anyone besides her would do anything about it. Did they? No. Nocturne is considering beating them all about the shoulders with a broom, screaming, “Why don’t you actually USE one of these things?!”

It is resolved that:
The certain suitemate who keeps making fun of Nocturne (as in putting up signs making fun of things she’s said or done, or complaining about Nocturne’s supposed ‘insanity’ on the dry erase board) is about to have her skull introduced to the business end of a ball-peen hammer.

It is resolved that:
Nocturne is putting laxatives of some form in all her food to counteract the Evil Food-Stealing Fairies. If they keep stealing the chocolate she got for Easter, she’s changing the laxatives to arsenic.

It is resolved that:
Nocturne is tired of lectures concerning her morality. She is tired of all three of you thinking she is some sort of whore of Babylon. She is also QUITE tired of your comments regarding the way she dresses. Just because you dress like syphilitic orangutangs from the ninth circle of hell doesn’t mean you have to give me shit. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because I’m about to beat the shit out of you.

It is resolved that:
My roommates are assholes and may fuck off with vigor.

Beautiful, beatiful! Give them a good solid blow on the head for me.

Now this I like… want a squeaky hammer to beat them up with? (Takes longer to bash something important in when you use one of these, so the pleasure lasts longer.) :smiley:

But do you really want them to fuck off with vigor? They may get pleasure out of that.

<< With friends like you who needs enemas? >>

Pure poetry.


Will you do us a favour and install one of those X-10 cameras so that the carnage can be web-cast?
Also, forget the ball-peen hammer. You need a claw hammer, claw end first.

Where do they shop? I could use a new look.

The problem with laxatives is that as they work their merry way out of your roommates’ digestive tracts, you will still be stuck cleaning the bathroom.

I have a really digusting way to get your roomates to quit eating your food…but I am a guy, and I am not sure I want a whole bunch of people I don’t know knowing how truly disgusting and vengeful I can be. Use your imagination.

Pale ale.

I second Jayjay in applauding this line. There are plenty of avenues of revenge besides laxatives. Have you considered seriously garbled phone messages? Extremely annoying, but you can always claim it was an accident.

Is it alright for me to vent about the people living in my house here or would you prefer I start my own thread?

Although I sympatize, this really is evidence that she might be right. :wink:

Another vote for instant classic here.

Which end is that, exactly? Both the normal striking surface and the “peen” end are pretty vicious.

That’s the part that made me laugh the hardest. And yeah, I’m guessing that either end would suffice as the “business end” if brought down with enough force. Or you could even alternate - one whack with the “correct” end, one with the other end. The best of both worlds.

Beauty of that is, you’ll get to see which is more effective - for getting more whacking pleasure your next roomate, I mean. :wink:

‘out of your next roomate’, that should be. I need to preview more often.

The heavy metal end. Either striking surface will do.

Maeglin, it’s already been established that there’s a cleaning service for the bathroom, so the laxitive is still a “go”. :wink:

Hmm…let’s do the math.

Nocturne has three roommates.

Cleaning comes once per week.

Enough ex-lax can have catastrophic results.

If the maneuver is timed right, the cleaning service will take care of it…but she will have burned her bridges with them forever.

Otherwise she will have to live with a rather ripe bathroom.

Dicey, very dicey.

I’m not sure how far you want to take your dislike of your roommates, but i know a trick that will kick this up a notch.

When I was in college, I had a friend whose roommates liked to play practical jokes. It finally escalated to the point where he decided to take their toothbrushes on a little magical mystery tour.

What he did was he used their toothbrushes to clean the toilet, clean off the birdshit from his car, clean the urinals in a public bathroom, and some other stuff I am probably forgetting as well. Needless to say, he took pictures of all of this on a Polaroid camera. He then clean off the toothbrushes with running water and possibly mouthwash, and put them back where they were normally kept. He then waited about three or four days and told his roommates what he had done. When they didn’t believe him, he showed them pictures.

Of course, he never kept his toothbrush where they could have access to it.

If you do this, I would recommend moving immediately or just never telling them. It would certainly be a stress reliever for you :smiley:

Oh, how I wish that could become my new sig. It is the very essence of you, Katie:D

Kricket, vent away babe.

The business end of a ballpeen hammer is the “peen” part to me, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Another classic roommate moment: The sign-making roommate stopped me as I came in from class today to ask me what I thought of her newest sign, which is making fun of the fact that I always clean up (what the fuck?) I replied, “Yes, I enjoy being constantly made fun of because I am an emotional masochist. Could you please put up signs now referencing the fact that I’m overweight and ugly? Or maybe you’d like to make light of the fact that I was sexually assaulted at age 13?”

She had no reply.

I am beginning to wonder if I am the only one retaining relative sanity around here. Yes, Homebrew, I said “relative.” :wink:

I think I’m going to feed them all to Cthulu, since apparently they’ve decided I’m such a heathen.’

Unfortunately, I opened a bag of Lifesavers not too long ago, which means the bottomfeeders will be coming for my candy soon. I’m about to go fire up some Molotov cocktails to hurl from my strategic position on the top bunk.

Oh-ho, this is war.

Great line! Can I have it?!