Exhuming things much better left alone

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I don’t do the MPSIMS-as-my-diary thing very often, but it seemed like a good idea tonight.

Back about the time I started college (late 1994), I had been dating this girl for about 2 1/2 years. Sparing the details and greatly understating the situation, it ended badly–the kind of “badly” that left me awash in a sea of counseling and alcohol for some time thereafter.

Since then I’ve come to realize that the whole thing was mostly my fault for building my sense of self-worth entirely around somebody else. I’m now less regretful that it ended and moreso that it ended the way it did–something might have worked out later on, or we could have at least salvaged a great friendship out of it. It was a long time, though, before I could think of her without hurting, and it’s been fairly recently that I’ve been able to look back on her with a smile.

(It’s worth noting at this point that I have been dating Tamara for some time now, and I have no plans to jeapordize that in any way.)

I have an inexplicable, more or less annual tradition of running this girl’s name through AltaVista, just to see if she’s out there somewhere. I’ve always come up blank, lending evidence to my hope that she had just fallen off the face of the Earth–until this year. As it happens, she’s alive and well and a medical student (one year behind me) at the osteopathic school here in the state.

I felt the way my cat looks when she finally catches the piece of string she’s been chasing, and she has no idea what to do with it. A sensible person would have simply said “Well, I’ll be,” and gone back to reading the SDMB. I, on the other hand, e-mailed her. This is the first time I’ve communicated with her in any way since Oct. 17, 1994.

What did I tell her? I told her how I found her e-mail address. I told her that I was glad she was still in medicine, since that’s where she belongs. I told her that I had hated her for a long time, and that I really shouldn’t have. I told her I was sorry for letting things end so badly. I told her what I’ve been doing lately, and told her about Tamara so she knows I’m not going down that road. I told her that I hoped her memories and thoughts of me weren’t all bad.

I told her not to e-mail me back unless she just felt some burning desire to do so. I did put a “read receipt” on the message so I would know that she got it.

Now I ask myself–what the hell was I thinking? After years of worrying that I might run into her somewhere, years of trying not to think about her, I just sent her a freaking e-mail. Brave, or stupid? Opening an old wound, or closing a chapter? I guess I’ll find out.

No real point–just had to get this all out.

Dr. J

2

Doc,

It’s okay.

Probably not the brightest thing you’ve ever dpne, but it’s okay and natural to want some kind of closure, especially if the relationship ended THAT badly.

Just watch yourself if she does write back. It sounds like you’ve got it pretty good now, and you know what you want. Don’t let her throw you for a loop.

3

I agree with Magdalene and your OP. If she does write back, keep it short and sweet. Let her know that you needed to get it off your chest and then say goodbye and wish her a happy life. You have moved on from that point in your life and are a different person than you were then. Move on and forgive yourself as well.

4

I wouldn’t worry about it. I did the same thing with an old boyfriend.

Just emailed him a short note that said, “was looking up old friends on the internet and found your email. Hope all is well with you and yours.”

Never heard from him, but, in consideration of the sh*t I was to him, I don’t blame him.

5

Been there, done that, DoctorJ. However, one thing that you may wish to think about is something that I wish I had done –

Block all incoming email from her address.

In a similar situation (I won’t say it’s the same- I have no idea what you went through, but the ‘sea of counseling and alcohol’ is familiar) I found her email address on the web, sent her an email that I thought was very polite (‘Hi, I found your address while looking up old people, I’m sorry things didn’t work out, things are okay for me, hope you’re doing great’) and she replied with a vitriolic stream that only opened old wounds. I felt so good after sending the mail to her, and regretted it the instant I read her reply. Of course, YMMV.

6

If you are serious about where your current relationship is going, you should not be looking up old flames. That’s inviting disaster.

Case in point, an old flame looked me up some five years ago and now we are married with children. At the time I was in the process of a break-up, so it was actually a really good thing.

I just wanted to make the point that contacting old flames still constitutes playing with fire.

7

Been there, done that, got the tee shirt and wish I’d just stayed home.

I’ll add my voice to the chorus that says not to risk what you have with Tamara. There must still be some odd feelings, or else you wouldn’t have kept looking her up every year.

What are you going to do if she emails you back and wants to touch base with you?

8

She replied. (I considered blocking her e-mail address, but if anyone would have had a vitriolic stream to spew forth in this case, it would have been me.)

She commented on my ability to catch her totally off-guard. She said that she was shocked and a little scared to see my e-mail in her box, but was even more surprised–pleasantly so–when it was actually a nice letter.

She filled me in a little on her life since our demise. She apologized for the things she said and did that she shouldn’t have, and said that she forgave me for everything long ago. She said that her memories of our relationship were mostly good, especially so now that she knows I’m OK.

All I can say is that I feel immeasurably better. I feel like I’ve exorcised a demon. With all the fog lifted, I realize that I’m able to think of her as an old friend. If our paths ever cross again, I think we can laugh about old times and all that. I’ve always envied people who could do that with their exes, because I’ve never been good at it. (Maturity? Is that you?) I’m not going to actively push anything, though.

Thanks for all the kind advice.

Dr. J

9

Glad it worked out okay.

10

Doc, excellent! It’s a good feeling, isn’t it.

Now you can develope that relationship with Tamara even more without that nagging in the background.

Glad to hear she was pleasant.

11

Glad to hear the email went well. Now you just need to stop calling her at 4 AM after benders… :smiley:

12

So, are you going to chat with her occasionally or just quit while you’re ahead?

13

That’s a damn good question. I’ve realized through all this that any desire I ever had for true reconciliation is now gone, but I would like to be friends with her. I am secure enough with myself and secure enough with my current relationship to let that happen.

That said, I’m not going to push it. If she wants to chat, call me, have lunch sometime when she’s in town, I’m probably up to it, but I’m not going to initiate anything like that.

In fact, I haven’t even responded to her e-mail yet, because I’m not sure what I want to say. This is all very strange–the idea that we would share a pleasant e-mail exchange would have been totally ridiculous to me, oh, this time yesterday. I’d like it to soak in before I say or do much else.

Dr. J

PS: I noticed in this post that when you change your .sig, it changes the .sig in all your old messages, too. Ah, technology!