C’mon, we’ve all been to Doperville: it’s a semi-mythical burg at right angles to reality and seemingly inhabited only by members of this board. Nobody there owns an SUV, but everyone owns a cat. Nobody votes McCain; everyone votes Obama. Everyone tips like a one-legged log-roller; nobody is ever bad-tempered to service staff. Nobody reads Dan Brown; everybody reads J. K. Rowling. Everyone is decent and kind and considerate; nobody is grumpy or bitchy or just plain rude to their fellow man. It’s allegedly the smartest, hippest, funniest and most tolerant town around and sometimes lives up to its reputation, but occasionally it’s a little too hermetically smug to live in.
Whenever I try to talk to someone, right after my opening statement a faceless man in a sandwich board jumps out in front of me, flogging something inane.
I don’t know how that raving pack of loonies got such a mild, conservative reputation.
There are regular evening firefights between the Dan Brown readers and the JK Rowling readers, with flanking actions by the Tolkien readers. As someone who has read all three, I can say that the situation is amusing.
Doperville is disdainful of poseurs: whatever your position, you need to be able to defend it in debate. If this makes life hard for a certain strain of demagogue who relies on emotional appeal rather than cites and logic, then… tough.
I know a place where all planes take off from treadmills, 0.999… + 1 = 2, and everyone ALWAYS SWITCHES DOORS!
Be careful though, I also hear it’s ok to be a “nice guy” in Doperville but once you speak of it, you are stabbed, burned, keel-hauled, tarred & feathered, and then thrown off a cliff. Something about “entitlement” or some such. shrug
Check out my posts about a similar mythical 'burg called Doperland, where …
SUVs are used only for hauling horse trailers over mountain passes every weekend.
Nobody ever uses gasoline-powered lawnmowers, edgers, leaf blowers or other gear/ In fact, Doperland is as quiet as a country field miles from civilization; no loud motorcycles, no booming subwoofers, and no custom ringtones pollute the virgin ears of Doperland’s many citizens.
Nobody every talks on a cell phone when they’re in public or driving. Nextel telephones are unknown.
The average penis is 10" long and as thick as a beer can, and the average IQ is 140.
Applebee’s, Red Lobster, and other middle-end table-service restaurant chains are continually empty. Small family-owned Indian restaurants, however, are constantly packed.
Plus-sized women are considered far more sexually desirable than women who are thin. In fact, it’s thin people that are viewed with disdain.
Traits associated with certain cultural groups aren’t in existence; in fact, the opposite of those groups exhibits those traits instead. Blacks drink lots of coffee and don’t touch menthol cigarettes, Indians don’t bargain with supermarket cashiers, and rednecks vote Democrat. In Doperland, it’s white folks that talk loudly and drink fruit punch, men who shout “WHOOO!” at every occasion, and the elderly who are the most adept at new technology.
Web sites are hosted on old 486-based personal computers running Yggdrasil Linux.
Cats abound, and are not persecuted for being for the fur-covered reptiles that they really are.
Everyone speaks more than one language. None of which are the same.
Lose your wallet? Not in Doperville!
No bugs are allowed. Especially the scary ones.
Nobody speaks aloud at movies or while on buses, trains, subways, elevators, escalators, airplanes and pack mules.
All 3 year old children are already talking (except as noted above), and are tutoring their younger siblings in Calculus.
While the entire population is well above average in almost all aspects, there’s still some problems with simple tasks like washing a car, organizing a CD collection, and how to fix lunch.
In the center of the town there is a towering, larger than life statue of J.R.R. Tolkien. Five times a day the bells ring out from the tower atop town hall. The residents circle the statue, bowing low and muttering in elvish.
Nothing is ever misspelled or gramatically incorrect.
This is why I’m afraid I’ll never be a Doper. I have an SUV, but I’ve never towed anything in my life. I’m more than likely to vote for McCain. I’ve read all of Dan Brown and non of J.K. Rowling. I have a sneaking suspicion I’m only slightly above average in intelligence, if even that. My children…well, I think they’re darn cute, but I’m not so sure they’re gifted. I’m considerably nicer around here than I am in real life.
I do have a cat, but other than that, I don’t think I qualify.
In Doperville nobody supports the death penalty except when they do, but many of the good citizens agree that some criminals ought to be sodomised to death by a football team of 300lb Samoan transvestites wearing porcupines for condoms. Grrr! Outrage!
Most people learned to read before they were born.
In Doperville women are happy for their menfolk to hang out in strip clubs; the menfolk only visit these clubs when their friends make them. But it doesn’t do anything for them.
Doperville, where everyone is beautiful, even the god-awfully fugly people. Telling somebody they are actually not that attractive is on par to eating babies.
Doperville, where it’s ok to be religious as long as you never talk about it. If you do, you are clearly mentally deficient.
…where liking Applebees is a capital sin.
…where teasing fat people for being fat results in everyone in town gathering, binding you up, taking a messy dump on your face, and then tossing you into the pit.
There’s a seedy little bar on the edge of town called The BBQPit where things get really rough and an even worse one across the tracks, but, of course, no one ever goes there.
Nobody there owns an SUV: No and I do hate the large ones.
but everyone owns a cat: Two and a Dog.
Nobody votes McCain; everyone votes Obama: Well technically I voted for McCain in the Primary, but I was registered Republican at that point. I am now an Independent and have contributed to Obama and plan to vote for him.
Everyone tips like a one-legged log-roller: I tip well most of the time, but not in all situations. I have left no tip a few times when the service was bad and I am not good about tipping at hotels.
Nobody is ever bad-tempered to service staff: I have a bad habit of answering back in kind. If staff is rude I tend to get louder and ruder.
Nobody reads Dan Brown: Ack!
everybody reads J. K. Rowling: Sure and my daughter is on book 5 now. But not even close to one of my top ten authors.
Everyone is decent and kind and considerate: Note always, but most of the time.
nobody is grumpy or bitchy or just plain rude to their fellow man: You should see me while driving in bad traffic or answering telemarketers. I am a king size asshole.
Be careful though, I also hear it’s ok to be a “nice guy” in Doperville but once you speak of it, you are stabbed, burned, keel-hauled, tarred & feathered, and then thrown off a cliff: Nope, I appear to get away with being a nice-guy. When I recently screwed up a pitting I got teased about, not abused.
Nobody ever uses gasoline-powered lawnmowers, edgers, leaf blowers or other gear/ In fact, Doperland is as quiet as a country field miles from civilization; no loud motorcycles, no booming subwoofers, and no custom ringtones pollute the virgin ears of Doperland’s many citizens: I have a large Lawn Tractor and I have even mowed past 8pm and starter at 9am at different times, but I usually do not carry and use a cell-phone. I definitely do not while checking out or ordering.
Nobody every talks on a cell phone when they’re in public or driving. Nextel telephones are unknown: I do use my cell-phone when I am driving, but only hands-free.
The average penis is 10" long and as thick as a beer can, and the average IQ is 140: Well I miss on the 10” but my IQ does come up near or above 140. This useless measurement has been between 135 and 140.
Applebee’s, Red Lobster, and other middle-end table-service restaurant chains are continually empty. Small family-owned Indian restaurants, however, are constantly packed: We like Diners, Fast Food, Macaroni Grill and occasionally Applebee’s. I’ll admit we don’t eat at Red Lobster or Pizza Hut ever.
Plus-sized women are considered far more sexually desirable than women who are thin. In fact, it’s thin people that are viewed with disdain: No, sorry, I will be put off by the anorexic, but I like looking at the women in the normal healthy weight range below plus-size.
Traits associated with certain cultural groups aren’t in existence; in fact, the opposite of those groups exhibits those traits instead. Blacks drink lots of coffee and don’t touch menthol cigarettes, Indians don’t bargain with supermarket cashiers, and rednecks vote Democrat. In Doperland, it’s white folks that talk loudly and drink fruit punch, men who shout “WHOOO!” at every occasion, and the elderly who are the most adept at new technology: I don’t have an answer on this one, but sure.
Web sites are hosted on old 486-based personal computers running Yggdrasil Linux: Sorry, Windows Server on fairly modern Dell Servers.
Everyone uses Chop Sticks: Yes, it is simple.
No one wears shoes inside: Sure I do, I’m American, we rarely take our shoes off at the door.
Cats abound, and are not persecuted for being for the fur-covered reptiles that they really are: Cats and Dog, not reptiles.
Everyone speaks more than one language. None of which are the same: I barely have mastered English. I knew some Latin and Spanish, but I couldn’t speak them.
Lose your wallet? Not in Doperville! How many people actually lose their wallets anywhere?
No bugs are allowed. Especially the scary ones: Huh?
Nobody speaks aloud at movies or while on buses, trains, subways, elevators, escalators, airplanes and pack mules: I talk to complete strangers on buses, trains, subways and airplanes. I don’t really have the opportunity on elevators.
All 3 year old children are already talking (except as noted above), and are tutoring their younger siblings in Calculus: Nope, I wish, but they are both doing well now and are good at math.
While the entire population is well above average in almost all aspects, there’s still some problems with simple tasks like washing a car, organizing a CD collection, and how to fix lunch: No problem with those, in fact I organized my CD collection into a pair f Sony 200 & 300 CD players nearly a decade ago. It works great and I have a little over 400 CDs in the pair.
All cyclists stay in the bike lane at all times: If there is a bike lane, mostly I try to stay off busy roads and stay on the shoulder. Sometimes I cannot.
In Doperville nobody supports the death penalty except when they do, but many of the good citizens agree that some criminals ought to be sodomised to death by a football team of 300lb Samoan transvestites wearing porcupines for condoms. Grrr! Outrage!
Most people learned to read before they were born: Actually I was behind in reading and stayed behind until 5th grade.
Those who smoke in Doperville never, ever throw their cigarette butts out their car windows or on the ground at all: I don’t smoke so I am good on this one.
In the center of the town there is a towering, larger than life statue of J.R.R. Tolkien. Five times a day the bells ring out from the tower atop town hall. The residents circle the statue, bowing low and muttering in elvish: Sounds excellent, I can’t wait to join the throng.
Nothing is ever misspelled or gramatically incorrect: Damn, I guess I’m out.
I nominate you for mayor, although I’m concerned about recent rumours that you may have single-handedly caused the stock market to crash :dubious:. Things like that don’t happen in Doperville, where the economy is built on exporting solar panels, feud games, and political guidance.
