Exile In Doperville: What's It Like For You?

In My Humble Opinion
41

The only radio stations that can be received in Doperland are NPR affiliates, Air America, classical stations, and independent college stations that play either obscure experimental music, unsigned garage bands, or very intelligent indie rap and hip hop. Upon driving into Doperville, car stereos tuned to radio stations with names that include “Kiss”, “Rock”, “Fox”, “Power”, “Country”, “Oldies” and “Conservative Talk” immediately segue into static.

As well as there being a lack of business at Applebee’s, Red Lobster, P.F. Chang’s and the like, fast food joints like McDonalds and Burger King also sit empty, along with Starbucks. Denny’s and In-and-Out Burger seem to do a booming business, though.

Supermarkets are filled with aisle upon aisle of European-market products, because absolutely everything from Europe is more authentic, genuine and real than the overprocessed, artificially sweetened and or bland products from the United States.

The prevalence of obesity, with the lack of business at fast food restaurants and a strong preference towards eating healthy European and ethnic foods, is something of a Doperland paradox. Nobody ever gets fat from eating too much and exercising too little. Researchers suspect that in Doperland, unlike the rest of the nation, glandular failure-caused obesity is a real epidemic.

When polled about their religious beliefs, the response of Doperland citizens was …

40% Atheist
15% Agnostic
15% Wicca
10% Unitarian Universalist
10% Jewish (Reform, Conservative and Orthodox)
5% Furry
5% Other (Christian, Muslim, Hindu, etc.)

42

elmwood’s list:
No Rock and no sports stations, I don’t want to live there. I love NPR but I mix it in with rock and sports talk.

No European food, but my wife likes organically grown. I am sure the supermarkets have excellent organic sections.

Damn, I’m fat from eating too much and not exercising enough. How do I get one of those fancy glandular problems?

I would poll Agnostic.

I am not an Aspie, but I am a geek.

**Chefguy ** We use ketchup for burgers and fries and yellow mustard is disgusting. I like Spicy Brown and my wife like Horseradish Mustard. No yellow mustard stays in my house.

I think elmwood’s must be a separate gated community of SDMB acres though.

43

In Doperville if you order a steak other than rare you obviously live in the seedy part of town and probably pick your nose.

If you drink a beer brewed in the US you are clearly white trash and live in a trailer park in the seedy part of town and probably pick your nose and scratch yourself.

44

Immigration to Doperville is always welcome, provided that the newcomers tell the residents at regular intervals just how smart and funny the town is and what a privilege it is to be even allowed to breathe the air here: oddly, most visitors rarely outstay their 30 day initial visa.

Although it is generally known that Doperville is the cleverest, wittiest and most erudite town around, it’s also generally acknowledged - especially among the older townsfolk - that the place is not what it was in the good old days, when every resident was apparently a combination of Cicero, Isaac Newton and Groucho Marx and even the homeless guy in the park shouting at the pigeons was somewhere halfway between Emily Dickinson and H. P. Lovecraft.

45

Doperville? I’ve spent a lot of time there, and I love it. Come to think of it, it’s my favorite place except for the real world, Middle-earth, the United Federation of Planets and Sherlock Holmes’s London.

46

Which leads to another Doperland paradox; it’s the women that have usually had hundreds of lovers, and the men who are still near-virgins. So, provided that Doperland is not the largest lesbian community in the country, who are Doperland women bonking? What are Doperland men doing with their ten inch long, beer can thick penises anyhow?

47

Bad Boys. Who are really nice guys, but aren’t Nice Guys. If you’re a guy and think you’re Nice, you’re not nice. Look, it’s complex and I don’t claim to understand it either.

48

Thanks! I thought I was the only guy who doesn’t understand.

One more for Doperville. You must worship at the shrine of Obama once a day or your home will be infested with locusts or other nasty creatures.

49

There’s an extant thread in this forum in which a poster calls himself a Nice Guy and dolefully wonders why his love life is lacking, and in the ensuing six or so pages you’d think from the haranguing he gets about his supposed personal and moral failings that he’d confessed instead to sticking lollipops up his bum and then hanging around school playgrounds to give them to toddlers.

50

Nice guys always finish last and end up masturbating instead of getting any.:wink:

51

In Doperville women don’t care about a guy’s looks, weight, height, job, car or bank balance just as long as he’s funny and smart. Similarly, in Doperville guys also don’t care about a woman’s - you get the idea. Oddly enough, given the fairly braod selection criteria, there are still a lot of single Dopers.

52

Who don’t obviously live in Doperland.

Did I forget that a much-larger-than-normal percentage of the female population in Doperland is submissive?

53

Hell, if you believe everything you read at least one of them is a full-time slave.

There are no brothels in Doperville, since no male Doper can fathom the attraction of simply paying an attractive woman for sex and then leaving.