How might you explain to a kid – a smart kid you like – why not to swear in certain circumstances? Beyond just “It really upsets some people and will get you in trouble in school.” How would you articulate what it is about swear words that offends?
I was thinking about this after hearing some neighborhood kids last night, while I was sitting on the couch nursing my son and chatting with my husband, having a “Holler the most offensive thing you can think of before Grandpa comes out and makes you stop” contest. “Fuck him up the ASS!” was apparently the winner, and we were treated to several rounds of it. (They almost certainly heard it from Grandpa first.)
Because a large number of people may be offended and WILL form an opinion of you, based on the language you fuckin’ use!
And you never fuckin know when the fucking fuck you just told to fuckoff will be the guy that gets your fuckin ass out of fuckin jail. (or signs your paycheck, or hires you, or helps you out with a flat tire.)
“The power of profanity is depends on how much you use it, kid, but not the way you think. The less often you use it, the more surprising it is, and the more effect it has. Reserve those fucks, shits, and assholes for when you need to get somebody’s attention but for some stupid reason can’t punch them in the nads.”
While it’s great for emphasis and color in some contexts, in others, it makes you look like an inarticulate, unsophisticated moron with no credibility.
A given level of language can be appropriate for some context but not others. There’s nothing particularly bad about cursing, it’s just that it doesn’t fit some contexts. E.g.: Baby talk is appropriate in some contexts but does not belong in others. Same for very formal language which fits some contexts but should be left out of others. Same thing for cursing.
Or to take another example: There is usally nothing wrong with talking in public. But there is when you’re in a library. Sometimes, cursing is like talking in a library, it’s an activity that’s disruptive of the environment people are trying to create there.
Swear words are meant to offend. That is what they are for. If you use a tool for its intended purpose, it’s likely that the tool will work. If you use the tool for a different purpose, it will probably not work too well and will have some side effects that are not what you hoped.
Some say that people shouldn’t be offended by mere words, but I think most people do realize that words have power; they are supposed to. Words convey meaning and emotion; when we stop giving meaning to words, we choose to live with nonsense. What do you remember hurting more in childhood, the time you got punched or the time a friend said something cruel?
A person who wants to be perceived as an intelligent, effective adult, who wants to be respected, generally does not use vulgar language in public. Because language reveals your character, shows your level of self-control, and so on. To be taken seriously as an adult, it’s much better to be articulate and clear.
How’s that?
Are all swearwords about sex? When they are, it’s clearly meant to be a vulgarization of sex–it reduces sex (which many people consider to be valuable, special, or even sacred) to parts and violence. One of our worst swear-words, seen above, has a connotation of violence and even rape. It’s sex put down to the lowest possible form.
IME a culture’s swearwords reflect its values, or at least its former values.
As a parent (of an 18 yr old son and a 10 going on 11 yr old daughter) who cusses herself, I often find myself in the position of saying something like, “Watch your fucking language!”
Seriously, my rule pretty much is, son, please watch your language around your sister and sister, please don’t get into the habit of cussing because people WILL judge you and be offended in other settings (same for brother, btw).
Find another way to express yourself if at all possible.
I personally don’t care if my kids use the occaisional profanity at home, but I do my best to remind them when they do that it is something they should be aware of and not fall into as a habit.
Like a fine wine or spice, such language should be used sparingly and only for the appropriate audiences.
Sort of in the same way nudity in our home has never been that big of a deal but I had to teach them early that it wasn’t appropriate in public or around most others; nothing inherently wrong with it in itself, but some would be offended/uncomfortable and so it is “wrong” in those contexts.
And someone who uses profanities every few words comes across as ignorant and of questionable character. JMHO.
Of course, when I was a kid, I got my mouth washed out with soap for accidentally blurting out a “shit” or a “dammit”. Gee, worked like a charm!
It’s a sign of maturity and intelligence to display the ability to moderate your behavior for the circumstances you find yourself in. You wear a suit to a wedding, but shorts to the beach. Same with language: people will respect you more if you understand the difference between swearing in the office and swearing at a backyard barbecue with your oldest friends.
Also, attempting to be offensive just for the sake of being offensive is manipulative behavior, and most people will recognize this and respond to you accordingly. If you can’t communicate appropriately and effectively, it will affect your relationships with people, and this is true whether you’re swearing or not.
I’m not a believer in the idea that certain words are inherently offensive or “wrong” or “dirty”; but certain words/topics are inappropriate for certain circumstances. People don’t swear at formal dinner parties, nor do they show up naked and discuss intimate details of their sex lives.
Exactly. You put it better than I did. Kids are perfectly capable of learning that different standards apply in different cirucmstances and behaving accordingly (something I gather some doubt). But they (and we, as adults) do it all the time. No need to train children that sex or cussing or nudity or anything is inherently “wrong” to impart the lesson that there is a time and place for everything. In fact, even if parents fail to impart this vital lesson, life soon will!
I don’t go into a good deal of explanation to my kids about why they shouldn’t swear. They’re not stupid- they can see for themselves why. I just posit it as a thing like drinking or voting- it’s just something they shouldn’t do until they’re 18. It’s a grownup thing. If they don’t like it, well, they can just fuck off. What?
When the subject came up with a much younger cousin of mine, I told him that first, swearing made his mother mad. And second, swearing casually left him without anything satisfying to say when he was really upset. I didn’t tell him to never, ever swear both because I think it’s a silly rule to impose on someone, and because I’m sure he’d just have completely dismissed anything I said if I told him that.
In addition to the idea of reserving words of power for when you need them, and that language creates an impression, swearing can also be habit forming. If you make swearing part of your everyday language, it can be hard to not use those words when they aren’t appropriate. Like in a job interview. Or when meeting your girlfriend’s mother for the first time.
All I can say is that I wish I had known you when my offspring were under my care.
My dear bride handled it very well, but you articulated a position that would have been quite useful when we were much younger parental-units.
Great point here as well.
I used to swear like a sailor (which, weirdly enough, I once was) and I decided a while back to moderate my language deliberately. Mind you, I was in my mid 30s at that time and by then you get pretty dang entrenched in vocal behavior. I actually practiced at my neighborhood pub where I was the most loose with my language.
Eventually, I found myself cursing at football saying something like, “Blank blankedty blank! Dang it ref, did you forget your blankedty meds this morning, or what!”
Teach him/her when, where, and to swear. Teach them different levels of offensiveness, common phrases, and euphemisms. Throw in foreign language swearing, gestures, and sign language. Make them write out a variety of sentences demonstrating their knowledge of swearing. Count spelling and grade based on creativity as well. Repeat the entire lesson each time the child swears inappropriately. It will end soon.