Hi Guinastasia,
Here’s the “whole story” (not really, that would take a lot of time and byte space). It’s a bit long anyway, and I apologize to all.
When we were engaged and living together, he was her boss, and she told me also her friend. I met him and went out to drinks with him and my wife a couple of times and had him over our apartment.
Couple months before our wedding, I found several hundred pages of printouts on our bedroom dresser. They’re her emails from her job, and most of them are between him and her, and it becomes obvious to me that they were lovers. He was married (and still is) by the way–to a multimillionaire wall st. stock analyst. She admitted to the affair and even gave me some details about doing it with him in his marital bed. She said they had been friends before, and still were. She wanted to invite him to wedding; I said No Way.
Shortly after the wedding, when neither of them worked at the same firm, he called our apartment and got me on the phone. I calmly told him never to call our house again, and never to talk to my wife. He agreed (because seeing my wife was probably not worth jeopardizing his golddigging marriage) and seemingly disappeared, until . . .
About 10 years later (about 6 weeks ago), I accidentally found out that they were fb friends. My wife left fb open on the computer (my work laptop, which she sometimes uses at home), and the 2nd message down on the screen was from him. So I looked thru the “messages” section and found that they had had almost daily communications for the better part of 2009 and 2010, and the first four months of 2011. My wife’s a massage therapist and several of her comments were offers to give him a massage; a few others suggested meeting in the city for “a cup of coffee.” He and she are both about an hour from nyc, in separate directionsl. He has two kids now (stay at home dad), and his responses were always that he couldn’t make it. For all I know it looks like they never did physically get back together, which is what she has said. Some of the msgs included her saying to text/call her on cell, and him saying “Are you sure that’s ok with husband?” and her answering “He doesn’t check my cell phone.” So clearly, not a totally innocent “friendship.” I told her to unfriend him and she wrote him a msg saying “We can no longer communicate because it would jeopardize BOTH of our marriages.”
Annoyed by this incident I went thru some old stuff, and I found some journals that she had written, early in our marriage, where she was lusting after and asking out her massage therapist, and lamenting that he “broke her heart” by not wanting her. They did share some passionate kisses, but she says now that it never went further. Again, no proof of intercourse but not totally innocent. She also demonized me in those journals, with such complaints as “you can furnish a beautiful house, but if there is no love in it, what’s the sense?” When I confronted and asked her if she was unhappy with me all these years, or at least back then, she said no, she just had dark periods during which she would write this stuff. She also said the guy was was her inspiration to become a massage therapist, and she had great respect for him. I think it was pretty clear that she was in love with him, and would have done anything to be with him if he were available.
I also found an unsent card to our current handyman whose done a bunch of projects around my house. The card said “I would love to wake up next to you, even though I know it will never happen.” Her response to my questioning of these was that the card was a joke.
I’ve gone to her therapist with her to discuss some of this stuff. I think maybe she has some kind of disorder, but I also think maybe the 12 Plus years we’ve been together have just been a farce. We shall see.