Fake Ads! Or, Spam the SDMB and Not Get Banned!

(This is a thread for fake advertisements, as shown on Saturday Night Live and other examples of why network TV is the work of Satan.)

Do you have sharp pains in your right or left thigh a few inches below the waist? Do you know someone who does? Have you ever been within five hundred yards of something impacted directly or indirectly by a corporation? If so, you may be entitled to a large cash settlement.

Massive malignant polyphagia is a cripping disorder which is always somebody’s fault. It is so horrendous that only a large cash settlement can begin to help you put your life together. Our doctors will connect the dots on your unique constellation of symptoms, and then our lawyers will make sure the other party feels your pain and suffering. You deserve a large cash settlement.

Large cash settlement. Because it’s a large settlement, and it’s cash.

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Have you ever considered the joys of having a weasel in your home?

The Confederated Weasel Dealers of America announce their Semi-Demi-Sale, this weekend, at which you may buy your own weasel at the rate of $5.91 per pound.

The Confederated Weasel Dealers of America. Because life’s always better with a weasel.

Or a Badger or Marmot? They bring hours of joy and cleaning into your home. Low mess, durable animals can have a wide array of uses, including but not limited to: Pest removal, Guarding, hole digging, feline inbreeding and of course cancer prevention.

Retrobulbar mictalgia. Are you suffering needlessly? The diagnosis they don’t want you to know about.
If you have pain behind your eye when you pee, you may suffer from Retrobulbar mictalgia, a symptom of that unspoken diagnosis. Ask your healthcare professional today about the new drug, Crocapooh.

[sub]Positive porcelain levels needed to confirm diagnosis. Even without symptoms, you may suffer from crackpotism. Other placebos may work just as well as Crocapooh.[/sub]

Are you sick and tired of spreading your hummus with a knife like a pretentious liberal, or just dipping into it like a retarted neanderthal? Then we’ve got the product for you!

I-Mostly-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Hummus-Ærosol-Spray!

That’s right, just a quick spay will add the delicious flavor of hummus to any meal! Spray it on your piadini, your pita, your bhakri, or your flammkuchen for that mostly authentic hummus taste!

Available in Original, Spring Herb, and new! Smoky Bacon and Saurkraut!

From Ren & Stimpy:

What rolls downstairs
Alone or in pairs
And over your neighbors dog
What’s good for a snack
What fits on your back
It’s LOG! LOG! LOG!
It’s LOG! It’s LOG!
It’s heavy, it’s brown,it’s wood
It’s LOG! It’s LOG!
It’s better than bad it’s good!
Everyone wants a log
C’mon and get your log
You’re gonna love it log
Everyone needs a log
LOG! From BLAMMO! Batteries not included, some assembly may be required.

Squiglitos! The world’s first virtual snack food!

Squiglitos! All the sizzle with none of that artery-clogging fat.
Squiglitos! Never feel guilty again!
Squiglitos! Nothing but enjoyment.
Squiglitos! Just because they’re not there doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy them!
Squiglitos! A part of the American home for generations.
Squiglitos! Their most important ingredient… is love.

Squiglitos!

[sub]Compatible with most major systems. Contents may have settled during shipping. All sizes approximate. Illustration enhanced to show flavour. [/sub]

NEW! From the makers of ALL GONE (The ultimate in Laxatives) - note Banned in 53 states

Recyclables… That’s right, small 100% recyclable balls of 100% petro,ium based plastic. Just unwrap from our shrink wrapped, double sealed, 6 layer box, and place the contents into YOUr green/recycle box… Show the nieghbours YOU care about our environment!

Each package contains 20 grams of 100% recyleable balls of plastic. plus a coupon good for 10% off your next purchase!

Simply place the product in your local recycling station or receptical and rest easy knowing you have helped to create a greener world through chemistry! Buy one for the kids!

Regards
FML

Need a pet?

Forget cats, dogs, budgies and other animals that need looking after and incur vetinarary fees.

Have a tapeworm!! mans new best friend.

They eat what you eat and go where you go and never ever need exercise plus they keep you from getting fat.

Yes indeed, a tapeworm is the pet to have