I’ll open with two:
Rudolph indicted in Reindeer Growth Hormone (RGH) Scandal,
and
UN Sanctions Santa Claus for Elven Rights Abuses - "Elves are People Too"
New Al Gore Film Links Heat Miser To Global Warming
China: “Island Of Misfit Toys” Actually Taiwan
"Son of Sam the Snowman" Killer Apprehended: "I Told You I’d Shoot, But You Didn’t Believe Me!"
Mrs. Claus To Surgeon General: "Nobody Wants A Skinny Santa"
Don Imus Fired Again Over “Nappy-Headed Ho Ho Ho” Comments
Santa Knew when I was Sleeping… With His Wife!
He Knows If You’ve Been Bad Or Good - And Tells : Santa Sells Out To Homeland Security
Rudolph’s Glowing Nose : Cute Children’s Parable About Tolerance, Or Radiation Hazard ?
The Tragedy Of The Off Season : Widespread Starvation Of Elves Reported Due To Seasonal Employment
**Santa Kills Easter Bunny, Claims Self Defense : ‘The Little Fellow Couldn’t Accept Preeminence Of Christmas’ Says Santa.
Santa Denies Claims That He Called The Easter Bunny ‘An Egg Laying Freak Of Nature And Abomination Unto God’**
Santa Photographed Having Sex With Blitzen ! Kicked Out By Mrs Claus, Who Reveals All In This Exclusive Interview !
Santa chooses different animals to pull sled: Reindeer warn of consequences.
Dancing sugarplums may be health hazard.
New York tobbacco inspectors will be hanging around various homes in the gotham area, to see if St Nick will be doing his duties while smoking his trademark pipe, citations will be issued.
Declan
Surrey police arrest Santa for showing red light in front.
Scientists Synthesize Christmas Magic in Lab
Science is one step closer into understanding the mystery of Santa Claus’s annual flight. Working with technicians at CERN, biologists at John Hopkins University injected rats with small amounts of what they believe to be a compound with many similar properties to that of Christmas Magic. These rats were able to squeeze themselves into small pipes, and even defy gravity by pulling themselves back up. Other experiments had the rats move around to small enclosures to find bits of cheese, and were able to do it in record time that seemed to defy all known laws of physics.
There has been much outcry against this research going beyond the typical animal rights groups. Many are protesting that Christmas Magic has no place in a laboratory, and that it kills the spirit of the holiday. Others say that the research is a dead-end, and mankind is not meant to fully understand the wonder of Santa Claus. Those in support of the research say that technology that can duplicate the actions of the jolly old elf will only be beneficial to the world. Inauspiciously, the U.S. government has put a large portion of the military budget toward this research.
**North Pole Cuts Costs, Rudolph Incensed Over New Recruit “Rajah”
Frosty the Snowman Dismissed As “Fairy Tale”
Hula Hoop Remains #1 Christmas Toy With Chipmunks
Confused Elf Constantly Checking Map Of Montana: “Why Do So Many Kids Want To Go To This ‘Hannah’ Place?”
Santa Leads Police On High-Speed Razor Chase
Grinch Dies Of Oversized Heart
Hermey Sued For Medical Malpractice
Hogwarts Exchange Student From Bedford Falls Constantly Harrassing Harry Potter: “That Bastard’s Father Ruined My Hometown”
Scrooge/Marley Co. Offices Infested With Humbugs
Senile Pope Calls On Smokey Robinson To Perform Christmas Miracle**
North Korean Leader reveals himself to be "Santa Claus"
In an exclusive interview, Santa revealed today that “Christmas magic” – especially his marathon global gift-distributing sprees – was actually the side-effect of long-untreated bipolar disorder, also known as “manic depression.”
He was finally diagnosed as bipolar last summer, and he is taking medication that helps even out his mood swings.
Unfortunately for disappointed kids worldwide, this means that the usual manic flurry of behavior monitoring, list-making, and toy acquisition, culminating in a single night’s journey to deliver the resulting sleighful of gifts, just never happened this year.
“I’m only one jolly old elf,” Santa shrugs. “I’m finally getting realistic about what I can and cannot do.”
A Look Back
“The manic highs were amazing,” he says with a shake of his head (echoed by a similar movement of his belly), “but the crash, after the holiday … the lows were awfully low.”
Santa tells of year after year, centuries on end, where he’d be unable to get out of bed at all for the entire month of January – sometimes not until late February. “Usually by President’s Day,” he says with a wry grin. “They have some great sales around President’s Day, and that would usually be enough to get me to the mall, where I belong.”
“For a long time, it just seemed like part of the deal. I was unwilling to give up the rush that the Christmas season gave me. I felt like God, you know? All-knowing, all-giving – judging the worthy and unworthy. It was a rush…” His voice trails off sadly; clearly he still rather misses the old days.
He gathers himself with a visible effort. “But I just couldn’t do it any more. The price was too high – the emotional price, the physical price.”
**
A Look Ahead**
“Now that I know a little more about what life is like on medication, I’ll plan better for 2008,” Santa promises. “I’m on a much more even keel, so I’ll just work steadily year-round to get done what I can get done.”
Merchandisers greeted the news of a Christmas season beginning earlier in the year with great delight. “Why wait for Labor Day to put out decorations,” a Wal-Mart official asked, “when we can start rolling them out right after the Fourth of July?”
Santa is also looking at the possibility of subcontracting some of the jobs he’s traditionally taken care of himself, especially on the distribution end. He’s currently looking at bids from UPS, FedEx, and DHL, all of whom are interested in getting a bigger piece of the Christmas pie.
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves… I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist… you’re just too kind.
Love Agnes
December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
December 20th
John:
What’s with you and those birds??? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There’s bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t sleep all night. IT’S NOT FUNNY…So stop with those birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can’t move into my own house. Just lay off me. .
Ag
December 22nd
Hey:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You’ll get yours.
From Ag
December 23rd
You Creep!
Now there’s ten ladies dancing - I don’t know why I call them ladies. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m sicking the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
December 24th
Listen Idiot:
What’s with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Toxic Waste Dumps in Arctic Linked to Bioluminescent Mutations in Ruminants
*Be aware of big fat bloke, red suit, long flowing white beard with a friendly bearing and a knack of winning over children with the promise of gifts (batteries not included). Known to travel by some kind of horse drawn vehicle or similar and to openly flout air traffic control regulations, especially around midnight on Dec 24th. Can often be heard goading the authorities with his call of “Ho! Ho! Ho!”. If sighted do not approach.
Wanted in connection with aforementioned air traffic offences, breaking and entering to include criminal damage to numerous chimney stacks and fireplaces, operating a horse drawn vehicle whilst under the influence of Sherry.
Accomplice, identified only by his shiny nose, (And if you ever saw him, you would even swear it glows) wanted for questioning regarding fouling of rooftops.*
Next on Jerry Springer: I saw Daddy kissing Santa Clause. Woman confronts husband who was caught cheating on Christmas Eve with jolly fat man. Mrs. Clause reveals past flings with various and multiple elves and 8 of the 9 reindeer. Guess who didn’t get to play in their reindeer games!
Herod’s Astrologers Call Bright Start in the East Unremarkable
“Really,” a spokeman said, “this is something we’ve seen again and again over the course of recorded history. It’s not a portent of any sort, but merely a somewhat rare but perfectly explainable and natural confluence of currents in the aether.”