Fake "Cool" Guys

OK, many of you have probably had some experience with this sort of thing…the Youth Pastor, Assistant Coach, D.A.R.E. Coordinator, Narcs, ad nauseum, who used dipshitty lingo and hi-fiving B.S. to woo the young folk, who routinely dismissed them as well, Fake “Cool” Guys.

So, share with us your stories of FCGs…mine was a youth pastor who would try to get us to go to lock-ins by making these announcements that sounded like Johnny Bravo-speak or something (it was the 70s)…“Like, Hey, dudes, there’s some cool movies and snacks and stuff at the lock-in, and Brother Fake Cool Guy’s gonna lay some really cool bible stuff on ya!”

Well not personal experience, but the ultimate fake cool person is Guy Fieri. His soiled bleached hair, way too many bracelets, necklaces, and rings, bowling shirts…I think Anthony Bourdain likened him to Poochie from The Simpsons as he seems to have been designed by committee…except this committees idea of cool was Smash Mouth circa 1996.

It’s not often that I LOL, but I LOL’ed.

For the OP, I was in elementary school and middle school in the early 90s so a staple of any FCG was horrible attempts at rapping.

I don’t know what it’s like today, but in my day (mid-1970’s) any attempt to incorporate pop culture in the school curriculum was a dead giveaway of fake cool.

The comp teacher who passed out Simon & Garfunkel lyrics? Fake cool. The junior high band teacher who had us play “Both Sides, Now”? Fake cool (and really bad memories). The lit teacher who assigned Vonnegut? Fake cool all the way.

At the time we called it “Hippy-Dippy”, and it was epidemic. The Sixties were far enough in the past to be non-threatening, and even the squares wore long hair and sideburns and were grooving to Joan Baez. God, it was horrible.

The TV show “The Middle” has a hilarious youth minister just like this named Rev. TimTom who sings homemade folk songs to the youth group teens about how tough it is to be a teen and how god understands them.

He pronounces the “r” in his last name as a “d.” Is this affectation, or a real dialect?

Guy’s family name is “Ferry”. He changed it back to the original Fieri of his great-grandfather. I don’t know if the odd pronunciation is correct for the old country or not.

I think Guy Fieri is a fake cool guy, eh changes teh letters of his name and doesn’t afraid of anything.

I’m afraid I was a (mild case of involuntary) fake cool guy for a brief period.

When I was in college studying psychology, specializing in child psychology, members of my program were required to staff something called a “Rap Room”. This was when “rap” referred to talking, and not to music. It was supposed to be a place where the students (jr. high or high school, I don’t remember which) could come in and talk about anything to sympathetic and understanding people (that was us).

The reason it was fake in my case was that I was completely out of touch with popular culture, and had no idea how to talk to a teenager (I was in my mid-late-20’s by then, since I had dropped out for a while). Everything in the room was designed to appeal to people of the target age group, but it failed miserably. Almost no-one ever came in, and when they did, I pretty much froze up.

So, sorry folks 10 years younger than me for trying to be something I wasn’t, it wasn’t my idea and I would rather not have done it.

The principal at my high school thought he was cool for poetically reciting the lyrics of I Want a New Drug by Huey Lewis & the News at our anti-drug rally. The song was new at the time.

My (now-ex) stepdad. Tried waaaay too hard, all the time. And he came off as kinda bi-polar because he would try to be a brother one minute and then super-ultra disciplinarian dad the next, and I never knew when to expect which. To be fair, it was a difficult situation because my mom was as many years older than him as he was older than me. Splitting generations so to speak (yes it sounds kinda creepy, but he was not a bad guy–just an extremely insecure dork).

On the flip side, my high school physics teacher could easily have been a FCG if he had a different personality or was too much older than us (he was maybe 10 years older than the students). He liked to write word problems involving spider-man and the green goblin. But he wasn’t fake! He was legitimately cool. I actually ran the lights and sound for his wife’s dance school recitals in our hs auditorium. Very awesome people.

Again, not in my personal experience, but this is the perfect description for the Reverend Scott Sloan in Doonesbury, “the fighting young priest who can talk to the young”.

McGruff, the Crime Dog. “Take a bit out of crime!” Woodsy Owl. “Give a hoot, don’t pollute.” Cookie Monster. Oscar the Grouch.

Pretty much any celebrity who does anti-drug PSAs.

You take that back!

“Rap” as a synonym for “talk” correlated very highly with Fake Cool. I’m grateful to hip-hop for having rendered this usage obsolete.

More Fake Cool: Van Dreesen in Beavis and Butt-head.

I’m now wondering where the new frontiers in fake coolness will be. One guess: use of texting shorthand, especially “u” for “you”.

Rev. Tim Tom is the first thing I thought of after reading the OP. He is the most awesome character and totally sincere. Born 40 years too late. I love that show.

I’ve seen that at my workplace. Our hospital’s blood bank was doing promotions to get the med/nursing/etc students to come in and donate blood, offering a coupon for a free pint of ice cream. One flyer had the title “Pint 4a Pint.”

This is the obligatory video for fake cool.