*to the tune of Ode to Joy* Morons, morons, morons, morons....

The BBQ Pit
1

So the announcement comes in. We, the high school students of Noimnottellingyouwheremygoddamnhighschoolis High are going to be eating in a new cafeteria, excuse me, “cafetorium”. Fine. Me and my friend, who I will call Ben, (why I call him that is because his name is either Charles, John, or Ben. If you can’t figure it out, here’s a hint: It isn’t Charles or John). So Ben and I sit at a half-of-a-table to ourselves. We’re glad, as this means we don’t have to sit by the quartet of lunatics anymore. Let me explain something about these four:

The first one, we call “Guns n’ Violence”, because that is, quite frankly, all he talks about. He always threatens to shoot people he hates, and claims to know about guns, even though he’d also try to claim a 9mm took .45 ammunition, and refers to “shotgun bullets”. He also yelled “SUCK MY DICK” at the principal. Yes, he got suspended. 3 days.

The second one we call “Jeff K”, because he looks like Jeff K from somethingawful.com, except this kid probably doesn’t know as much about computers and hacking as the “real” Jeff K.

The third one tried to kiss an 11-year old girl on the lips. When she pushed him back, he told her older brother, hoping he would get on her ass. You can probably guess what happened. The older brother beat the shit out of the kisser. Right in the cafeteria.

The fourth one we call “Cigar Filters”, because he (warning, this is disgusting in both the idea that it itself is gross, and the idea that someone really believes it) claimed that you can take a shit, boil it, mix in horse blood, and your own blood, stick it in a cigar, tap the filter, and burn someone on the neck with it. They will then die of tetanus, regardless of any booster shots. Let’s see what’s wrong with that:
1)Cigars do not have filters.
2)Boiling something is a good way to sterilize it.
3)Not all shit is infected with tetanus.
4)Tetanus runs through the blood stream. A cigar burn would cauterize the blood vessels. Need I say more?

See why we don’t want to sit next to these morons?

So anyway, Ben and I are happy because we don’t have to sit next to these dumbasses anymore. So another day passes. And another. Finally, Wednesday comes. We come in to see…our table is gone! Yes, the table we sat at is gone. So we sit next to these stoner idiots. They bug us, calling us nerds, so we get up and leave. Ben has a lot of outcast power in him, and drives away an entire half-table of people, and we eat alone. Next day comes. We do the same thing. Friday comes. The table is part empty, with a girl I know from Drama Club named Jennifer sitting by herself. Ben and I keep her company. So the stoners start bugging us. They ask me if I’ve ever gotten high. I tell them no. They keep bugging us. Finally, these socially diseased dipshits walk up to me, and ask me “Have you ever eaten pussy?” Now tell me, would you ever go up to a complete stranger and ask him that? Would you? No. Even 5-year-old boys know not to do that. So finally this dumbass asks me my name. I tell him "Chad (not my real name). He asks “Is that with a C or an R”. Yes, R. Apparently the letters C and R sound similar. What is this, Scooby Doo? He then asks me if I’m talking to him. Ben says “No, he’s talking to the guy behind you!”. This asshat ACTUALLY LOOKS BEHIND HIM. Yes, he’s that dumb.

So this madness continues, abating only when the bell rings. Monday comes. Ben, Jennifer and I sit in the same place. The kid acts up again, though not as bad. But wait! The original 4 Horsemen of the Moronity are bugging Jennifer. Here’s the conversation.

Jeff K: Man, when I cuss, I sound cool, right bitch?
Jennifer: No
Jeff K: Man, fuck you.
Jennifer: Hey, you ask a question, you get an answer.
Jeff K: Man, fuck you up your fucking ass, fucking bitch ass fucker.

So today comes. When I’m in the bathroom, in the stall (urinals are against all that is good and holy), the stoner knocks and says “I gotta pee man”. Fine, use the urinal. They are all free. Finally, I leave, and give him a nasty look.

So, in conclusion, stoners, I would damn you to hell, but Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Pol Pot, none of them deserve to endure your crap. You are clearly socially defective. I can understand being uneasy around other people, but this is beyond stupid. If intelligence were heat, you’d be absolute zero. If it were possible, you’d be below absolute zero. This insult makes no sense to you of course, because you do not know what absolute zero is. I hope you move to a country where possessing weed is a crime punishable by death. If you were the ground, my insults would be a geosynchronous satellite going above your head. I do not fell anger toward you however, just amusement at your stupidity, and pity for those unlucky souls of which you are a major part of their lives.

Maybe Ben, Jennifer and I should find another place to sit.

2

Are you sure that ‘girl’ isn’t really a 46-year-old former boozer, user and loser?

>If you were the ground, my insults would be a geosynchronous satellite going above your head.

Fuckin’ genius, man.

I give this rant an 8, because for guys you avoid you seem to know entirely too much about them :smiley:

Good work.

3

God, I miss High School.

4

Just hang in there, young man. After high school, you will find some places where only the smart ones hang out. You won’t be able to avoid morons all the time, but you can do it some of the time.

5

I hated high school. Hated it. I sometimes have nightmares that I am back there.

6

Very well done.

My God, High School sucked. Life began the moment that I left home and drove off to college. It’s gotten better every year since then. For most of those unfortunate but deserving idiots, the curve went in the opposite direction. A pity…NOT.

Haj

7

The only good thing about high school is that it eventually ends.

BTW, would you mind if I use you to refute the next “all teens are selfish idiots” post?

8

I’d be tempted to stand up and shout at the top of my lungs, “For God’s sake, how can you possibly be so fucking stupid?!”

9

“Have you ever eaten pussy?”

I assume he’s referring to felines.

10

See, my “gut-level smart-ass auto-response” software would have gotten me into a four on one fight, right there.

“Have you ever eaten pussy?”
“Only your mother’s, why? Have you?”

I got to be semi-proficient in self defense, and nationally acclaimed in the lunch table hurdles and 10 minute sprint, back in high school.

[sub]And all my so-called friends were always too busy pissing themselves with laughter to help me out in these things, too. Jerks.[/sub]

11

I never had to experience any cafeteria horrors…I hung out with the other band geeks and ate lunch in the music room…and then I became their leader!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

uhm, I mean, I became Music Council President…wow, I didn’t think I was a geek in highschool, but looking back on it…

12

Tastes like chicken!

13

Don’t be fowl.

14

airdisc - that was brilliantly written.

I have felt your pain.

15

Update: Today the stoner idiots had the ultimate sign of a dumbass teen: A laser pointer. Jennifer had simply found somewhere else to sit, and Ben left lunch easly, leaving me to deal with both forces of stupidity alone. After about three minutes of having the laser shined in my eye, I resisted the urge to do an anal insertion of the laser pointer because midterm exams are tommorrow, and moved to the table Jennifer was sitting at. Also, the four losers’ table got really crowded because the Aristotles that make up my school administration got rid of ANOTHER table. I am seriously tempted to get a petition going to get us back in our old cafeteria.

I swear, I should just eat in the bathroom.

16

Actually, I have it on good authority that cat-meat is almost indistinguishable from rabbit.

17

Can you bring your own table?

18

Ah, lovely high school memories. I always think of Robin Williams’ old line “Assholes do vex me!”

Hang in there. These felchwits are going nowhere useful. Taking matters into your own fists isn’t a good idea. It was never a good idea but these are different times than when I went to high school. Continue to use your intelligence and don’t let the bastards grind you down.

19

Y’know what would be really cool? If you and your friends brought beach towels and sat on the floor to eat.

20

“On the second day, the smaller male approached me, making the common gestures of trust but also with a subelement of strength. It was necessary that he establish his place in the tribe with a show of courage, as the tribe was his only protection from the placid-seeming but treacherous jungle.”

-Dian Fossey, Stoners in the Mist