So, we have a Christmas family party on my Dad’s side of the family every year, and we have always done presents for each other in the past. This year, I get an email from my aunt, who’s having the party, and she says that my cousin, who I haven’t seen in at least two years, has requested that no one bring presents because she is broke and can’t being any of her own.
My issue is - I quite honestly love gift giving. I have already picked out and wrapped presents for all of them, and I was excited to see what they thought. I have fun spending time deciding what to get them (they are a diverse crowd with cool interests). Now, because of this seemingly random cousin’s request, I get cut off from one of my real Christmas pleasures.
This cousin had a baby about a year ago, not too long after she kicked H for good (we hope). She has not hung around us in several years, and while I’m glad she wants to be around, it seems a little unfair that she gets to dictate terms to us, when she’s contributed so little in the past. None of us have very much money, and I certainly wouldn’t care if she didn’t give presents. I have been a young, single, broke mother before, and had the unpleasant experience of having nothing to give. But no one seemed to care.
My dilemma - I want to just say “Whatever” and bring the gifts. I wouldn’t demand they be opened in my presence, but I want to give them, even if they’re in a brown paper bag for them to take home and open later. But then there’s a danger that no one else would have gotten anything, and it might be awkward for everyone else.
(1) Ignore your Aunt and bring gifts. This makes you happy, but runs the risk of Aunt/Cousin being peeved. This includes anything on the gamut of annoyed to ruin the party freak out.
(2) Mail or give the gifts at another time. This makes you happy, and minimizes the risk of angry noises from Aunt/Cousin.
Yeah, it’s probably not fair for Cousin to dictate terms, but you have the choice of making a battle out of it or going with the flow. Unless there is something big stopping you from going with the flow, I would do that.
I’m afraid that bringing your gifts might make this person feel even lower. Why do that? Mail your gifts or find another day to give them to the recipients. It sounds like this person is trying to keep from being even more ashamed and embarrassed- you can give your gifts another way, and I’m sure they will still be appreciated.
Has your aunt called everyone with this request? How are the others responding? If nobody else is bringing gifts, then you should probably give yours at another time.
But really, Auntie has a lot of nerve to ask everyone to break with tradition because Cousin is broke this year. Why doesn’t Auntie slip her a few bucks, or help her make fudge or bake some cookies? Heck, Cousin could give everyone a photo of the baby in a little frame and they’d probably be tickled pink.
I think it’s presumptuous of your Aunt and your Cousin to make this request. “I can’t bring gifts so nobody else should either”? Nuh uh.
I’d mail them all out now, so people get them before christmas, and it’s completely divorced in people’s minds from the party. Email your aunt and tell her what you’re doing - emphasise that you already bought everything and, after all, have to do something with them.
Or you could even email her first and ask her advice - emphasising again that you already bought all this stuff. Who knows, other people may well have already bought presents and be in the same bind as you. Mid December seems very late to change an agreed-upon gift giving scheme.
That’s kind of a late request as many people start shopping right after Thanksgiving and rude it it’s own right, but I’d bring the presents to the party anyway (possibly rude) and/or deliver them prior to the party in person or by mail.
Isa the requestion Aunt the cousin’s mother? Are they usually this meddlesome?
No, that’s part of what bugs me. The aunt who is having Christmas is Cindy, and she is the sister in law of Uncle Sunny. Cousin is Sunny’s daughter, and he and my Aunt Myrna are divorced. Despite having an okay relationship before the divorce, Aunt Myrna hasn’t talked to me in almost two years. Nor has Cousin, Myrna’s daughter.
I guess I’m just not all that thankful that Cousin’s rejoining the fold. Particularly since she seems to be just as demanding as she was before.
I also feel bummed because while I have my happy nuclear family, and a big extended family, I’m missing that “childhood family” part of Christmas - my sister lives far away, my mom is dead, and my dad is just kinda weird about holidays. I’ll see him at this family party, but he’s turned me down for Christmas Eve dinner. So, I have some excess Christmas cheer to spend, and I’d like to spend it on them.
I’m going to call my aunt today, and see what’s what. I’ve been thinking about just putting the gifts in their cars after we get there.
IMHO even if the request came from a golden child, it’s childish and a bit selfish. She’s making it all about her. It’d be one thing if she requested no gifts for her, if she feels bad that she can’t reciprocate, but requesting no gift exchange at all is immature.
I second childish and selfish. This person is trying to dictate the terms of a family tradition, simple because they can’t afford to participate. Were it me in her position, I’d go as normal, and if anyone was tactless enough to ask why I didn’t bring any gifts, I’d explain my financial situation, if they really wanted to know.
I think the aunt fouled up by agreeing to cater to her. Her response should have been a simple compromise-- “we’ll be doing the gift exchange at 6, dinner at 6:30.”
ETA: Oh, my advice is to take your gifts as usual.
I’d check with the other guests that will be there to get their opinions on the matter. They may be posting the identical thread on other boards.
If everyone is in the same circumstance you are, already bought and wrapped, someone may have to call auntie and let her know that gifts will be exchanged as per the original plan. No one will expect anything from cousin, nor think any less of her that she doesn’t. Her company is all the gift that anyone else needs.
That seems like a very graceful solution on your part. I agree that it’s too late for your cousin to request a change in things now, but it seems like this is the best way to avoid bad feelings on several sides.
We’re dealing with this issue in my own family, too. Several of my in-laws adore getting and giving gifts. Others have neither the time, money or inclination to shop/make something for every member of the extended family. (I would be in the latter camp.) We’re trying to work out a compromise for Christmas 2009 that allows for gift-giving without it becoming overwhelming. And it gets sticky, because it seems like half the people think, “You’re trying to change our traditions!” while the other half think, “I don’t like all of the focus on stuff.” (A bit rambling, but I wanted to let you know that you’re not the only family struggling with this right now.)
In every family except this weird one, we’ve instituted the gift exchange. Adults go in one group, kids in the other, and everyone picks a name at Thanksgiving.
And, I think Christmas is, to a certain extent, about stuff. Not so much the latest electronic gizmo, but something that is purchased or made with the giftee in mind. People seem to forget that a thrift or craft store can often offer up more treasure than Best Buy. It really is the thought that counts, and good Christmas gift giving requires that you actually think about the giftee.
So a gift exchange can give you the chance to be able to enjoy gift giving without the hassle of repeating it a million times over.
I think that’s the route we’ll probably go. I certainly don’t want to harsh anybody’s Christmassy buzz, and it is fun to exchange some presents. Some family members are opposed even to that, wanting to buy and receive a gift from every single person in the extended family. Those family members, not coincidentally, are the ones with most disposable income and leisure time.
I would call the others going to the party and work out an exchange anyhow. It’s alright to say don’t get me gifts. It’s not alright to cancel everybody else’s gift giving plans.
I agree that you should take your gifts as usual, after informing the Aunt that you intend to do so. Christmas is a time for giving and Cousin is spoiling it for everyone. Maybe you can ask Auntie or her father to explain to her that Mary and Joseph did not have the means to exchange gifts with the three kings who brought gifts for the baby Jesus on that first Christmas long ago. Did Mary and Joseph refuse the gifts? No, they accepted them graciously and gratefully. Maybe they can teach Cousin to accept gifts graciously and gratefully, and allow others to give and receive, without worrying about reciprocating, so as to not wreck the party for the rest of the family. Just a thought. Merry Christmas!