Family, lies, and weddings... an open letter

[Cat_Whisperer]

I don’t think I hate anyone enough to not accept their money - you are now poorer, and I am richer - that works for me.

[Rilchiam]

Wow, an actual Bridezilla. I’ve never seen one in the wild before.

[alice_in_wonderland]

There are lots of people in my extended family whom I don’t like enough to attend their weddings. Frankly, if I’ve RSVPd that I’m not available that should be the end of it.

That the uncle and aunt had to keep coming up with different excuses suggests they were being bugged about it.

Really, they’re just not that into you and didn’t want to attend you wedding. Big whoop. They have three daughters who’s weddings you can avoid if you so choose.

[Really_Not_All_That_Bright]

Send me the check!

[bassoonatic]

originally posted by Mandy Jo

1. Uncle and Aunt do not go to wedding or shower or send gift.
2. Grandmother is worried/upset about this.
3. Uncle sends check to mollify Grandmother (his mother)
4. Check is never cashed. OP tells grandmother why but doesn’t tell Uncle/Aunt
5. Some months later, at Xmas, Aunt idly asks if check was received and meets unexpected tension, because grandmother knows OP was upset/making a statement. Aunt has no idea until this moment. OP is not present.
6. Grandmother calls because she doesn’t like people to be upset with each other.
7. Aunt calls to apologize, mend fences, and gets attacks and overly defensive.

originally posted by Fenris
Auntie doesn’t worry that it’s lost in the mail, but you can remain morally pure by not accepting it. If Auntie calls demanding to know why, either you can let her have it with both barrels, or do the Miss Manners “I’m sorry, I just can’t accept it.” (repeated over and over until Auntie gives up–this is actually the better option–it’ll drive Auntie nuts–she’ll kinda-sorta know why it was returned, but she won’t be certain so she can’t be a pain about it.).

originally posted by Rubystreak (snip) Sure, you could do it that way too. There’s got to be more to this story. Seems like a lot of hostility and weirdness to come out of the blue.

I apologize, I should have been more clear. The gift was sent back with an explanation why it couldn’t be accepted. There’s always been some tension between my uncle and my father. It never seemed to trickle down to the nieces and nephews before though. The whole wedding thing with my uncle upset my father and he was the one that asked me not to accept the check and to simply send it back. My issue is not that they sent a gift late but that one was sent only after my grandmother got upset with them about it and more importantly because they continue to cause drama and make excuses about it. When she called me, she simply wanted to make excuses, not apologize. The call is really what I’m pitting here.

[MandaJo]

@bassoonatic

I apologize, I should have been more clear. The gift was sent back with an explanation why it couldn’t be accepted.

What was the explanation?

[bassoonatic]

I simply stated that I did not feel appropriate accepting the gift.

[Dangerosa]

@Rubystreak

She is under no obligation to cash it. If they called, which I agree is reasonable in case the check was lost, what should she say? She told them the truth, which is not passive-aggressive. Why did she need to be asked about it two times, by the grandmother and the aunt? I mean, fine, blow off her wedding if you want. Sending a gift months later out of guilt is pretty tacky, and then, siccing Grandma on her, and then also calling to continue to poke at the situation, tackier still.

She only has two choices with regards to the check - cash it and write an insincere thank you note. Or send it back with a note that says “thank you for thinking of me, under the circumstances I feel I cannot accept your generous gift.”

ONE of these is an obligation. Or she is as much as fault as her uncle - more so - he at least made the polite excuses.

ETA: And you have one year after the wedding to send the gift. He’s in the right. She sounds like she was in the right. The only thing left is the vent. And venting is what the pit is for.

[thirdwarning]

@bassoonatic

There’s always been some tension between my uncle and my father. It never seemed to trickle down to the nieces and nephews before though. The whole wedding thing with my uncle upset my father and he was the one that asked me not to accept the check and to simply send it back.

So now your father, through you, has pretty much guaranteed that the tension between him and your uncle has trickled down to the next generation. Nothing like making sure the anger and hurt gets perpetuated.

I’m sorry this whole thing went the way it did, but it seems there’s plenty of fault and pettiness to go around. Why would it really matter that Grandma talked them into sending a gift? You could graciously accept it and let the rest go, and maybe keep from making everything worse. As it is, you’ve got the makings of a real family feud here.

[dropzone]

@Rilchiam

Wow, an actual Bridezilla. I’ve never seen one in the wild before.

And it’s been months and months, LONG past the time an adult would’ve gotten over it! Can she still be a Bridezilla this late? Or should she just grow the fuck up?

I keep hearing how people are marrying later these days. That’s chronologically. In mental age this one is about nine. An immature nine.

[AuntiePam]

@alice_in_wonderland

There are lots of people in my extended family whom I don’t like enough to attend their weddings. Frankly, if I’ve RSVPd that I’m not available that should be the end of it.

Exactly. I’ve been watching The Forsyte Saga. One aspect of upper class Victorian society that I like is that when someone responds to an invitation with “I have another engagement”, that’s the end of it. Nobody presses them for a reason or tries to get them to change their mind.

[bassoonatic]

@dropzone

And it’s been months and months, LONG past the time an adult would’ve gotten over it! Can she still be a Bridezilla this late? Or should she just grow the fuck up?

I keep hearing how people are marrying later these days. That’s chronologically. In mental age this one is about nine. An immature nine.

I really don’t see how I’m being ‘bridezilla’ here. Everything was well and over with months ago. To call me up now is ridiculous. What you’re saying here is that I’m not allowed to be annoyed or upset about it? It’s not like I went over and started bitching at them, I came in here to vent- that’s it.

[dropzone]

@bassoonatic

What you’re saying here is that I’m not allowed to be annoyed or upset about it?

Mildly annoyed. Getting upset and needing to vent is immature. And you should’ve accepted his wife’s peace overture. That’s how adults do it.

You have created any misery you found in this situation and you made other people feel bad because you are being a bitch baby.

[Moirai]

I think you guys are being pretty harsh. I understand that family dynamics (regardless of the “original sin”) can be maddening. Venting somewhere like the Pit is often better than venting to a family member, which will probably just make things worse.

Yes, there will always be assholes. But being hurt isn’t a sign of weakness. Lighten up on the OP.

[dropzone]

She already vented to her grandmother and aunt. This was superfluous venting.

[Antinor01]

@Captain_Amazing

I suppose it’s more polite to make up a reason you can’t go to an event than to say, “I don’t want to because I don’t like you very much.” So, you know, they make up an excuse and don’t come, you cash their check and write a thank you note you don’t mean, and these are the little lies we tell for the sake of politeness.

I know it’s the polite thing, but I would much rather just be told straight out that we are not friends. (even if related) Life is much simpler when you know who not to worry about dealing with.

[Rubystreak]

@Antinor01

I know it’s the polite thing, but I would much rather just be told straight out that we are not friends. (even if related) Life is much simpler when you know who not to worry about dealing with.

Thanks for saying what I was thinking. Continuing the fakery in this situation just begs for more drama in the future. Getting it all out in the open is probably a relief. No need to pretend anymore, and no need to play games.

To the OP: Lesson #1 of the SDMB-- If you try to “just vent” here, there’s a better than even chance that the whole thing will get turned around on you and will bite you in the ass, just making you feel worse. Better to just post to your livejournal, or vent to sympathetic friends. That’s not how it works here, as many folks have found to their chagrin.

[Moirai]

@dropzone

She already vented to her grandmother and aunt. This was superfluous venting.

And since when is that anything new around here?

[Bridget_Burke]

Perhaps your husband’s family “gives two shits” about you because they haven’t known you very long.

[MandaJo]

@Antinor01

I know it’s the polite thing, but I would much rather just be told straight out that we are not friends. (even if related) Life is much simpler when you know who not to worry about dealing with.

I think the grandmother/mother is the complication: she seems to want everyone to make nice. And if she’s a good woman who loves them all, then they should humor her: don’t bitch about the others in her presence, make polite excuses, chit-chat and look at photographs with a smile.