But when you make up an excuse, stick with it.
Perhaps its my projecting my own flaky extended family on the OP’s, but I’m not seeing anything bridezilla-ish or entitled at all in the OP. They started making lame ass excuses, she dropped the subject. They then realized that they looked bad to the matriarch of the family, so made more lame ass excuses, and the OP dropped the subject. They only sent a gift after being prompted, she returned it and dropped the subject. Eight month’s later they bring up the gift at a Christmas party, that the OP didn’t attend. And then they called the OP to explore feelings about the situation that ended in some bizarre accusation to the OP’s kindness toward her cousin.
From what I can tell, the OP is trying to let it go and move on (admittedly, without her family, but still move on) and the family isn’t letting her.
FTR, I do think this whole thing has been blown out of proportion, although I think your dad kind of lit the match on this whole thing. Your uncle sent the gift to make his mother happy. Seeing as she’s also your father’s mother, I think he had a responsiblity to say “I’m just going to suck it up for mom’s sake” the way your uncle did. Instead, he chose to persuade you to take an action that would continue the squabble. It seems to me that you decided to go along with your dad’s pettiness because you harboured some lingering resentment about the fact that your uncle blew off your wedding on account of his long-running grudge with your father.
I would take a page from your grandmother’s book-none of you need to like each other, just stop with the petty squabbling and drama. If other people are being immature, step up to the plate to be the more mature person. Accepting a gift and writing a short thank you note (maybe you could have belaboured missing him at your wedding) isn’t on the level of turning into a doormat that takes all your uncle’s shit. It’s just a polite, final kissoff.
Agreed. Or better yet, don’t have any excuse–just say ‘I won’t be coming’ and leave it at that. Coming up with a string of excuses screams ‘I don’t want to go but I don’t have the balls to say so directly’.
I suspect both the father and the grandmother are to blame here–the father for not letting things go, and the grandmother for trying to get everyone to kiss and make up. I’m sure she doesn’t like seeing her two sons at odds like this, but sometimes the best thing to do is to just let sleeping dogs lie.
Yeah, I’m not sure I see a whole lot to get upset over here, and sending the check back is just stirring the shit.
Uncle and his family don’t want to go, they don’t fucking have to go. I don’t want to go to a lot of events for my extended family either, and frankly, don’t waste my time doing so if it’s not going to be terribly meaningful for me. And there’s really no crime in that; most people don’t live and die by whether or not extended family is or is not there. Tendering polite excuses is the thing to do, and that’s exactly what uncle did.
Christ, grow the fuck up. If your dad and uncle don’t get along, whoopie. If I was your uncle I’d be a little reticent to attend an event for someone I wasn’t terribly close to. Your sending the check back makes you seem like a petulant child who would love nothing more than carrying on your dad’s drama (your dad whom, it should be said, should have stayed the fuck out of the whole thing).
I rarely partake in pit threads but I have to call bullshit on this one.
In your OP you slam the whole of your uncle’s family for not coming to your me-Me-ME! day though they at least had the decency to come up with an excuse. You don’t mention anything about your father harboring ill feelings toward the group which comes up later, and you specifically never mention returning the check but state twice that you didn’t cash it. -There is a difference.
Then in post 25 you mention that your dad prompted the actions and he’s the one who forced (?) you to not accept the gift. Don’t bother explaining how this even remotely qualifies as his business. Then you say you’re not bothered by the tardiness of the gift which some wouldn’t even consider to be late and you now claim that you actually sent the check back with a simple note. This is I seriously doubt.
Finally you state in direct contradiction to your thread title and the OP, that you’re mostly upset about the phone call that could have been attempt at reconciliation.
What a joy your family must feel to be related to each other.
No she’s not. And I don’t really understand the pile-on she’s receiving.
She’s annoyed because:
A: Her relatives made 2 different excuses as to why they couldn’t come to her wedding.
B: Her relatives lied and said they only received an invitation to her shower a week before said event when it was obvious that they knew for a long time when the shower was going to take place.
C: When she thought the matter was over and done with, her relatives decided to dredge all of this up on Christmas (and accused her of being mean to their children).
I would find this annoying, as well. It’s extremely poop manners to make up excuses as the OP’s family did. It’s also extremely poor manners
to bring up what had already been put to rest over Christmas.
And she’s venting about it. What’s wrong with that?
On the first page of the Pit, there are posters venting about rude people who steal quarters, white trash acquaintances, idiot bureaucrats and relatives who let their dog eat Christmas dinner, the OP’s vent is no more or less worthy than the rest of these.
But you want to call her a Bridezilla because she’s upset that some relatives of hers couldn’t be a little bit more thoughtful?
The people on this board seem to have certain key words that send them into a tizzy. As an example, any clothing related expense that doesn’t look like a
burlap bag causes people to froth at the mouth whereas computer, television, mp3 player, video game purchases all get a free pass.
Apparently, “wedding” is is another. People here drone on and on about their various painful relationships and how it affects their lives not to mention the vast quantities of psychoactive drugs they have to ingest to cope and that’s totally fine but the OP’s vent that her relatives could have behaved better is met with a ridiculous amount of vitriol?
Please.
I would bet anything that if she had substituted a holiday or an anniversary or a birthday party, the pitchforks and torches would not have come out.
The day of my wedding my uncle, who was supposed to videotape the ceremony, got into some bitchfit with my mother (she wouldn’t let him use her camera unless he practiced first, because she hated him.) He decided not only was he not going to go to my wedding, neither was his sister or any of my cousins. So there were 8 family members, who I had grown up with and who were like my siblings, suddenly not showing. Then my Dad called at the last minute to tell me he couldn’t make it, because his girlfriend hates my Mom. My husband, the freaking groom, drove 3 hours to pick up my Dad on the morning of the wedding so he could be there–and he was clearly not comfortable the entire time.
My Mom’s boyfriend’s little brat daughter spent the entire time making fun of my gay best friends and trashing my wedding. My Mom disparaged my religion to other guests and suddenly refused to witness the ceremony unless I agreed to pray with her. My grandmother and mother got into a passive aggressive snit with one another, to the point of scrapping over which one of them was going to stand beside me while I cut the cake, also because they absolutely despise one another. There is videotape of this. My wedding was basically one big day of my family trying to pretend they could stand one another. It was the first time everyone had been together at a family event in at least a decade.
You know what I felt that day? Disappointment. A little sadness and some hurt. But mostly incredible levels of indescribable joy, because I was in fact getting married surrounded by at least 40 of the people who had loved and supported me all of my life. It was an absolutely amazing day from start to finish. I was completely high, and I didn’t give a shit at all about my pathetic family drama. In fact, it was rather flattering that most of them loved me enough to torture themselves for a day. The family members who didn’t show, they made their choice and I see no reason to take it personally. I definitely regret that my uncle didn’t come and see his ‘‘little sister’’ all grown up, but that’s mostly because he is dead now.
So I am having a hard time understanding why you wanted people you obviously hate to be at your wedding. You don’t even seem hurt, just pissed off like they somehow owed it to you. Your refusal to move past it is beyond childish, especially in light of their attempts at reconciliation.
Maybe it’s the painkillers talking, but grow up already.
Missed the edit window. valleyofthedolls may have a valuable point. I don’t like the OPs attitude but maybe I’m just in the mood to feel superior to someone else. Every time I read it it still pisses me off though. Maybe it’s the dismissal of a relative needing surgery as a good reason not to come. Maybe it’s because some people really fucking hate weddings and shouldn’t be castigated for not attending what to them may very well be a form of psychological torture. There’s no reason to necessarily take something like this personally, and it’s beyond silly to thwart all attempts at reconciliation even if it is in the form of an excuse.
A time-out’s a fantastic idea! They all get along much better when they don’t talk to one another. But the important point, I guess, is that they might all hate each other, but they were pulled together on that one day by the fact that they love me. That is a powerful thing, when you’ll endure people you hate in order to honor someone you love. It sounds to me like the OP’s uncle wasn’t willing to do that–doesn’t mean they don’t care about the OP, just means the gesture of attending the wedding wasn’t worth the headache of dealing with others. That’s my speculation anyway.
You’re right that it has been confusing around here lately. Some of those threads also belonged in MPSIMS, IMO. But it was Christmas and I suppose people (especially the mods) have been busy and stuff, and there’s that whole kinder, gentler Pit that people have been talking about recently that sometimes sounds more like MPSIMS version 2 with bonus RO.
So if you’re saying that the OP started this thread thinking that it would be like the others around here recently. Bummer. And sorry to hear it, but since she notes that she’s been lurking here for years, one might assume that she knows which forum to place her post. Pity parties go in MPSIMS, not the Pit.
The bride holds the baton, ain’t nobody happy unless mom is happy, blah blah blah.
As much as it pains you to hear it, you had the power to smooth things over and you didn’t. Yes, they should have sent an RSVP for the shower, no they are not obligated to go to your wedding, yes the check was late but so what? My sister sent me a toaster two months after the wedding, and I bit the bullet and sent a thank-you note because that’s family and I’m a class act. You need to pick your battles, kid.
I can see both sides. I think her father should have stayed out of the whole thing and not drug his drama into it. Her relatives should’ve let the several attempts to move past things do just that and not constantly bring up stuff. The OP, with time probably, will realize that picking your battles ends up being the best way to facilitate an easier married life. And the Dope does seem to indeed project their own feelings onto certain situations, much like valleyofthedolls, Rubystreak and anu-la said.
Everything isn’t as simple as telling someone to grow up and get over it. Many families have a lot more shit going on than we can imagine and sometimes it’s okay to vent (which, as has been pointed out, is the exact purpose of the pit) to righten one’s attitude. So, I guess to sum up, much could have been handled better and the best that can be hoped for in the future is that these people stay away from one another until their issues are resolved.
Yeah, faithfool, my impression of the Dope is that people are dying to tell people they are being “bridezillas” and as someone upthread said, people are hostile to stuff like expensive handbags, designer clothes, parents who pay for anything past the age of 12 especially college (When I was that age I was living independently and I sold blood plasma to go to college!) and expensive weddings (although there is no indication the OP was having a crazy expensive wedding and she did drop the fact that she paid for it).
I have no idea of what the OPs cultural expectations are but I am aware that in several cultures, including my own, the OP’s uncle’s behaviour would be an outright act of war and open bitchiness. But the fact remains that the grandmother tried to steer everyone on to a more mature path and the OP, urged on by her father, decided to continue with the pettiness. I can appreciate being hurt at them not attending, I think the whole business with the check is childish.
OP, if you are in serious need about venting relating to weddings I’d head over to some place like Indiebride where people may tell you that you are being childish but they’ll do it in a less sharkey way and with a mind to genuinely helping you resolve matters.
I didn’t read that it’s the exact purpose of the Pit to vent in the rules which are quoted here:
In fact, that doesn’t seem to be in the rules at all and actually has some contraindication.
This could easily have gone to MPSIMS with perhaps a better result for the OP. So anyone claiming that the OP should be treated better can report it to have it moved, or the OP can have it moved herself. As for me, if someone chooses this forum knowingly about an issue like this, I’m good with it.
That’s how I read it too, and I also have flakes in the family that pull this sort of stuff. They know exactly when events are being held because they sit and talk about them with you at a family gathering in April, invitations go out in May, they suddenly have all sorts of conflicts bubble up and when the party happens in June, they’re no-shows. Sometimes they give you the benefit of an RSVP, and sometimes they have an excuse, and sometimes the excuse isn’t transparent bullshit. But usually…
I think a lot of people are underestimating how hurtful it can be to have someone play games with their affection and attentions this way, and even moreso when it’s not because of anything about you or your actions, but simply because you’re Bob’s daughter, and they don’t like Bob. And how much worse it is when adults only do decent things for you when they’ve lost face. Gifts given under duress aren’t gifts, they’re guilt money. There’s no obligation to take someone’s guilt money graciously.
OP, I’m on your side here. You’re not a Bridezilla. You may have exacerbated some of the problems but there’s no way your aunt should’ve called you just recently about these things which transpired months ago. There’s inappropriate behavior on all parts, but yours isn’t the worst of it. As faithfool said, there’s a lot that could’ve been done better, and hopefully in the future if the whole lot of you can’t treat each other better than all of this, then you should just stay away from one another.
Well, in the rules you stated, I take the bit that says “unleashing reasoned vitriol too heated for the other forums.” as typically what applies in these circumstances and what I meant by using “exact purpose of the pit.” Now I realize that’s something to be left up to interpretation, so it’s why I choose not to say anything about the once or twice oddly misplaced OP, that usually ends up getting moved pretty quickly.
And I take “Cranks’ Corner” to mean something that’s completely bogus (like fake pitting yourself, is a good example) and “group therapy” for nothing more than hugs. Once more though, I understand that’s my reading, so I’m pretty happy with how the moderators decide to act.
I’m guessing the OP can hold her own and doesn’t seem to have any issues with how things are working out here in the pit. I think the observations to the contrary are from those (like myself) who don’t understand the immediate need to jump in whatever opposite direction the thread has taken. To illustrate, recently some seriously ridiculous shit happened to my husband and I was tempted to rant about it here. However, I don’t just want a bunch of huggles about the situation (ruling out MPSIMS) and I can certainly hang here in the pit (since that’s where I’m always at and have absolutely no problem being told I’m wrong – 'cause I frequently am ), but I decided to skip it anyway. Why?
Well, not too long ago there was a thread in GQ over something pretty innocuous. OP asks questions and, out of the clear blue, another member accuses him of being disingenuous, although there was nothing thus far that would indicate his assumption was correct. Fortunately, the OPer came back quickly and cleared everything up to the other guy’s grudging satisfaction (and, I might add, didn’t get upset or anything – which in my humble opinion, makes him a saint given the forum they were in), a moderator put on their Underoos and blew the time-out whistle and all returned to norm. But the knee-jerker, offended party didn’t apologize or say shit and that, ultimately, is one of the reasons I haven’t posted anything here lately about the spouse’s troubles. Because if instead of having my actual post jumped on, someone went for that sort of nonsense, I couldn’t take it on top of everything else.
Which is what, I think, we’re lamenting. So basically, I’m good with where stuff ends up (either by poster or mod hand) and just wanted to point out along with others this adorable quirk the board has. If that in turn inspires others to voice their complaints about placement, than I believe the pit is the place to do so. And ultimately, the same standard that allows those folks to air their beliefs, extends us the same courtesy. Then the beat goes on, eh?
Or should we start a separate thread somewhere to discuss it?
Still, perhaps they deserve a perk: a set of broken china, or a one-way fare to some Acapulco dene. A gift more fiendish than friendly, and sure to inspire mopey umbrage.
In all matters related to her wedding, a bride must be happy and cheerful at all times, negotiate between warring family members with grace and diplomacy, accept any and all rudeness with a polite smile and only express mild preferences in the choice of dress, decorations or any other aspect of planning the ceremony and reception. Brides that are stressed or unhappy, tell family member to sort out their own shit, call people on impolite behaviour or insist on/against any part of the ceremony/reception is at risk of being labelled a Bridezilla.
It’s bullshit and it pisses me off. Yes, there are horrible brides out there who are the sterotypes for which the term was coined. But there are also nice, reasonable but less-that-perfect brides who get saddled with the term unfairly by friends, family co-workers, sales assistants or whomever. Behaviour that probably wouldn’t be commented on in other circumstance gets special attention when it’s a bride.
), but I decided to skip it anyway. Why?
Then the beat goes on, eh?