I recently went to Cancun. We’re talking mid January. As I was waiting for my bus at the airport, I was next to a Canadian family. The dad said "look at all the sun. And those palm trees. What do you think son? The (I’m guessing) 4yo pondered for a moment, and with a very serious sounding voice, he said “NO SLUSH!!”
A couple of months ago, the Firebug (currently two and a half years old) hit his “Mine!” stage. But “Mine!” apparently was too basic for him, so he quickly moved up to “I need this.”
One morning when I was drinking my coffee as I played with him, he said, “I need coffee.” In unison, my wife and I said, “NO YOU DON’T!”
I can relate. 
[/Toronto]
I think you got your right to bare feet confused with your right to bare arms…
“GIMME MY CHOO-CHOO TRAIN, NIGGA!”
-from a four-year-old
Not so much that it was clever, just so unexpected and LOUD that I couldn’t help but crack up.
My daughter, watching her first Star Trek (original) episode ever:
“Why all red people fall down?”
This past weekend I took my niece to the St. Jacob’s market to see the ponies in the little barn. They weren’t there - too cold I think but we did get to see a horse- one of the Mennonite wagon horses. He was standing there with most of his large multicolored “thing” hanging out.
The first thing she said was “Oh look at the Daddy horse, he has a penis!”
“Yes,” I said “he does.”
Pause
She says “It’s really a fancy one!”
Half an hour later, I still could barely drive home for the laughing.
I’ve got three from my three and a half year old:
A few days ago, I was in Target with my son picking up a few things for the baby. He walked up to the cashier, looked at her, looked at me, hung his head and sighed and said, “Pay, pay, pay, pay, pay, pay.”
More weird than anything was when I was sitting on my chair waiting for my son to finish going to the bathroom when I hear a sweet, piping voice say, “Hey, mommy! Come see - there’s a sticker on my penis!”
Lastly (and probably only funny to me), my son was just diagnosed with an ear infection on Tuesday. I should’ve spotted it earlier, but instead of telling me his ear hurt, he kept telling me he had a pickle in his ear. Since his favorite episode of Fraggle Rock has one fraggle telling another a joke that involves growing radishes and corn in one’s ears, I assumed he was just tweaking that. So, while we were waiting for the nurse in the acute care center (it had gotten really painful), I said, “Babe, why didn’t you just say your ear hurt?” He said, “Well, jeez mommy, what did you think having a pickle means?”
My 2-year old son George frequently watched the Dallas Cowboys games when they were on. Of course, he understands football not at all, but he saw Tony Romo and heard his name frequently enough that he would yell, “Womo!” every time he came on screen.
This was a couple of years ago, when Romo rather infamously botched the ending of a playoff game. No more Cowboys games that year - but when the Superbowl came around, and Peyton Manning was getting a lot of screen time, this infamous exchange took place:
“Womo!”
“No, that’s not Romo. That’s Peyton Manning. Different guy.”
“Where Womo?”
“Well, he’s at home today, I guess. He doesn’t get to play.”
“Womo is bad boy?”
“Well… yes.”
“Womo in Time-Out?”
Gotta love 2-year olds.
Where is that pronunciation common? I’ve never heard it said that way. I’ve always heard it as rhyming with “lackey” or “tacky.”
My 12 yr old is doing some homework. She has to discuss a quote about history by Tolstoy. After considering it for a bit, she says:
“Tolstoy - isn’t he that guy from [Where in the World is]Carmen Sandiego?”
My little girl came home and told me her teacher was very smart. Then she told me her principal was very smart. Finally she told me her mother was really smart. I asked, "What about me? Am I really smart? "
“No, you’re a man!”
The family was watching a movie. I don’t remember what… but it was the exciting climax, our intrepid heroes were near where the smelly stuff was hitting the fan and the movie bumped it up a notch when something else even more dire happened. (like the spaceship cleared the clouds to see another 2000 spacebugs decending.)
Collin turned to me, pale, and said “That is SO not-Awesome!”
A former cousin-in-law passed away suddenly on Christmas Eve. I attended the funeral both to support his children, and because David was a family member for a couple of decades, and a pretty okay guy, just not a very good match for my cousin. During a very solemn, quiet portion of the service, David’s oldest grandson - age 7 - pipes up with “My papa took me to Hooters!” The mood went from “not a dry eye in the house” to “not a straight face in the house” in about 1.4 milliseconds!
The other evening, I was sorting through boxes of snapshots in an effort to FINALLY get them into albums. My 12-year-old son was looking through pictures as I sorted them. He grabbed one from the pile, and said “Mom, you should give this one to Tony (my husband of just a few months) so he’ll know how pretty you used to be.” I’m not planning ahead for MatataJr.'s 13th birthday… 
Boston?
We were driving back from Mobile, AL and coming into Hattiesburg, MS. Our kids by this time were ravenous, and we were planning to stop in Hattiesburg for lunch. They were about 6 and 5 at this time, and had just woke up from a nap. Our daughter (the 5 year old) asked where we were, and I said we were in Hattiesburg. She replied, “But I don’t WANT a Hattiesburger! I wanna go to WENDY’S!”
We were at the Splendors of Versailles exhibit in Jackson. We walked in to the exhibit, and the room was lined with statues on each side. Same daughter, who was about 3, yells at the top of her lungs, “He NAKED!” The whole room exploded with laughter.
Then one time, we were driving back from a day in Vicksburg. In the minivan, we had our family and my husband’s parents. On I-20, we blew a tire. We called for help, and a tow truck showed up. He took my husband to get the spare tire filled, leaving myself, our two kids, and my in-laws at the van.
Of course, the kids promptly had to go potty. So I pulled them out of the van and blocked the view from oncoming traffic. Our daughter squatted down, and our son did the same. She looked at him and said, “No, no! You gotta tand up and point your ting!” Oh. My. Lord. My poor in-laws were laughing so hard at that, and I wanted to crawl under the van and die of embarrassment.
Background: my husband’s family is nominally Christian (Mom-in-law goes to church quasi-regularly, but gave up on taking the boys past the age of 4)
Took the brother-in-law, who was 7 at the time and fairly uneducated, to the local museum to see the Egyptian exhibit. As the whole look-quietly-and-ponder activity was new to him, he’s immensely bored. Got over to the mummy. In a vain attempt to pique his interest, I say “Look, BL, this mummy is really old!”
“Older than God?” he asks
“Well, yeah, kinda.”
The above is my favorite one.
Once my brother was explaining to his son that their friend Margaret’s aunt had died, so that’s why she took time off work, traveled from another town, and was planning a funeral. Looking incredulous, my nephew said, “All that trouble for an ant?!”
Scene: gal friend is babysitting a neighbor’s five-year-old. The five year old girl is ‘helping’ gal friend mix up some waffle batter (for uncommonly good waffles, but I digress). They’re standing at a central counter-top island. “The first thing we have to do, sweetheart, is separate the eggs.” The little one takes eggs out of the carton and oh so carefully places them at precisely even distances from each other around the sides of the counter.
It was precious. And hilarious.
When my son was a toddler (maybe a little older), I would regularly watch Texas Rangers baseball games. I was a big Nolan Ryan fan. One slow day at home, I had a baseball and told my son I was going to show him how to throw a Nolan Ryan fast ball. I was in my living room, and threw the ball as hard as I could into the back of my recliner that was across the room. The problem is, I completely missed the recliner and in an instant my sliding glass door was shattered into a zillion pieces! My son calmly says: “Dad, now I know why we’re not supposed to throw balls in the house.”
The other event was when my daughter was a toddler. I worked for a ‘major’ airline, so my kids were veteren air passengers from the day they were born. Political correctness was at an all time high, especially for flight attendants who had recently been involved in a strike. We boarded a plane for a visit to the grandparents when my daughter yells out “Dad, where’s the peanut girl?”