Do I read in the shitter? Hell no; it’s too difficult to see past the red splotches floating in front of my eyes caused by straining so hard.
And always remember, if it’s less than a teaspoon, you didn’t really shit yourself.
I gotta go wipe now. Bye.
“There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.”
~P.J. O’Rourke~
As a dignified authoritative teacher, it’s imperative that the kids don’t think I ever fart.
One evening I’ve got a free morning ahead, so I have the most delicious curry dish on the menu.
Next day, a colleague begs me to cover her lesson.
I’m struggling the whole time, but eventually it seeeeeeeeeeps out (tacky? moi?).
Johnny (11 years old) pipes up ‘Please Sir, Suzanne’s farted!’
Suzanne (indignantly) ‘Wasn’t me! It must be Nigel’s’.
And so it begins to work its way round the room (the accusation, as well as the stench).
I swiftly put a stop to it (before every kid can deny responsibility).
‘Never mind who did it - just open all the windows -NOW!’
Another successful day in putting things in their minds (and their noses)…
Why doesn’t the sun come out at night when the light would be more useful? (Pratchett)
Ya know, Byz, honey, I was gonna let this go, but since you’re being difficult, I’ve had it!
I am suing you for damges to my car. After I got home from the meeting, I found scorch marks all over the passenger seat.
You could have at least lifted a cheek, but nooooooooooooooo!!! You had to burn my car seat with your acidic intestinal gas.
I have O.J.'s dream team on retainer. You will pay. Oh yes.
You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.
Why do they embarrass people? You mean BESIDES the smell and the funny sound?
Because people would rather not know how much they have in common with animals.
>< DARWIN >
__L___L
Sealemon,
Now I know you are lying! The smell kept showing up when we got out of LaPort, like in the Montrose.
Fess up man, oh and you can’t sue Byz, I will testify that Lion also sat in that seat both before and after she did. So there, nah.
Stinky butt.
Ayesha - Lioness
There are two solutions to every problem : the wrong one, and mine
(Thomas A. Edison)
Heh… whenever you really need a mental health day, but can’t think of a good “I’m sick” excuse, the “I’m having terrible cramps today and can’t come in” excuse ALWAYS works. Particularly if you’ve got a man for a boss - they don’t want to know another thing about it. 
StoryTyler
Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
C’mon up and see me sometime.
Oh yeah? Well it was Beatle’s fault that I drank those beers; and the Lion did share some of his food with me so I think you need to name them in the suit.
Ayesha gave me the chocolate which only made the problem WORSE! And YOU were to one who was trying to get me to fart, in tune, to all that techno-pop stuff. I told you I wasn’t the great La Petomaine but YOU just wouldn’t listen! You brought this on yourself, buddy, so litigate at your own peril! 
Oh, yeah, and I fart in your general direction!
How come farts feel like a bubble but unlike bubbles don’t leave a bubble ring?
No problem. I’ll sue him, too! Nah!
Yeah? Well I’ll sue beatle too! Hell, if i hadn’t have come onto this board, I’d have never met you guys, so I’ll sue all the posters here! No, screw that, I know where the money is—I mean, who is really responsible for my pain and suffering; my emotional scars that will haunt me for a lifetime; the long nights I have awakened screaming, only to spend the rest of the night crying in a fetal position.
The Internet is the home of this board. Al Gore invented the Internet.
I’ll sue the Gores! And then, I’ll have the money I need to …< deep breath > …Take. Over. The. WORLD! Muh HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
So, when the next meeting?
You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.
Belching is a favorite pasttime with my boyfriend and me. He, being a man with a strong bass singing voice, can measure on the Richter scale with some of his **BRRRAAAAAACCCKKK!**s. I just amuse myself with the occassional BROCK! If I’m eating and a nice, loud, long belch makes its way out of me, I typically follow it up with a cheer: “Whoo hoo! More room!”
BTW, did you know that according to Pop-Up Video, loud belching is one of Sarah McLachlan’s favorite pasttimes?
Meanwhile, there’s farting. We fart in my family–it’s just the way God designed our intestines. My dad is shameless–I remember walking with him in Kmart a couple of years ago, keeping good distance, as he was audibly farting (not loud, long farts–but farts no less) as he nonchalantly walked through the home and garden aisle.
Then there’s my boyfriend. In his words, “I know everyone farts, but I want to maintain my illusion that beautiful women don’t fart.” Being a good b/f, he considers me beautiful, and he just does NOT want to hear me fart. This can make things uncomfortable–like last night. We had Mexican food for dinner…ooh, gas buildup! But I couldn’t fart 'cause I was with him. Lemme tell you, once I left and got in the car to drive home, I let those bean air-pockets fly. Whew!
I used to think the world was against me. Now I know better. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.
Noooo, I was trying to tell you that I hate pantomimes.
If your ears hadn’t been drowned out by all that wolf’s bane you were dropping, there wouldn’t have been a misunderstanding.
You’re the Gas Queen, just accept it already. 
You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.
The following is a Christmas gift for Byz. Maybe she will think Christmas sucks just a little bit less.
http://www.myboot.com/movies/godswill.mpg
and
http://www.myboot.com/movies/godswill2.mpg
Merry Christmas!
Leslie Irish Evans
http://leslie.scrappy.net
Girl Next Door: You just made my top five list (along with PunditLisa). Holy shit, I’m glad no one saw me when I played those files! < wiping away the tears >
Damn, I knew tilton had healing hands. I had no idea he had a healing colon, too!
Merry Christmas!
You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.
Oh, dear, GOD I can feel the power! And the glory! (Farting and giggling I wander off now…)
Best!
Byz
The OP did say “and other bodily functions”, so I had a question: If no one is ever supposed to pick their nose, wouldn’t you eventually end up with your nostrils completed clogged shut?
I think it bothers peole because most people have dignity and self respect…and enough respect for others to keep some things personal?
Nose picking: Well, let me dig in deep here and finger out an answer… no. I don’t think it would fill up. It would eventually fall out. And who can resist picking out those lovely nose cookies?
And just a little FYI: there is a new, bizarre, sexual practice. Nose felching. Ask for it by name!
Best!
Byz
Congratulations, Ayesha! You’re now an Undercover Agent.
Oh, dear God and saints. This has caused a particularly scarring memory to the surface.
One night, as I was going to the bathroom to brush the ol’ tombstones before bed, I hear laughing coming from the direction of my parents’ bedroom. In a wierd, car-wreck fascination, I asked them what the hell was so funny.
My mother replied, “Your dad just farted.”
Followed by: “And it was so wet, it stuck my underwear to my ass!.”
My parents, ladies and gentlemen!
“And he, he himself, the Grinch,
carved the roast beast.”
Byz said:
And just a little FYI: there is a new, bizarre, sexual practice. Nose felching. Ask for it by name!
Coldfire
“You know how complex women are”