Fat people are out to get me

The BBQ Pit
1

It must be me. It has to be. I always get to bust heads with fat people. And most of the time over something that‘s too ridiculous for words. Like, me wanting to have people pay me for the work I do for them. Silly stuff like that. But nooo, this character wants me to break Dutch tax laws because he thinks these tax laws are stupid. (There is an eleventh commandment in the Netherlands: Thou Shalt Pay Thy Taxes, Or Else… The Wrath of God is nothing compared to some tax collector having his arm up to the elbow up your ass.) Of course this is easy for him to say, because although he‘s Dutch, he‘s located in Belgium and therefore immune from the everlasting wrath of the Dutch tax collector‘s office.

So, he returns my invoices and doesn‘t pay me, figuring I‘ll send him changed (unlawful) invoices. Any effort of mine to convince him I was right was futile. After the payment term for the second invoice expired, I got fed up and hired the legal equivalent of a couple of guys with baseball bats. Which costs money. My money. And what does this guy do? This guy starts calling me at home, telling me he will not pay the invoices I send. This guy admits I am right (!), but still will not accept my invoices. This guy calls me at 10:45pm, shouting THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO DO BUSINESS, repeatedly. This guy says I‘m a liar, informs me I cannot handle my accounting, reveals to me I am talking nonsense. This guy is going to talk to his lawyer. What a man of stature, what a man of principles. What a mountain of a man.

Well, his lawyer came through for him. That guy‘s middle name must be Stonewall. But in the mean time, this guy did make one little mistake though. He never paid me one cent, thus enabling me to annul the contract, freeing me to invoice directly. (He‘s just a broker for IT projects, and now he‘s minus one project.) He still has to pay the invoices he already received and accepted, and at the moment my guys have given up ”negotiating• with his lawyer. (The last fax we received from him stated that this whole situation, ie. him not paying me, was entirely my fault. Call him what you like, but he stays in character.) But at least I‘m getting paid for any work I do from now on.
So I guess I have to take him to court to get my money. Lovely. The chances that I win are very good (better than good: my local tax collecting office is actually backing me up on this one), but still, there is the off chance…

So, starting somewhere late August, I‘ve been getting angry. Very angry. Aneurism angry. Fase out oil and drive the national economy on my blood pressure angry. I mean, MOTHERF…
But then I thought, fuck ‘im, and decided to have some fun instead. (Mind you, occasional bouts of anger, despair and depression have been known to erupt since then. But I‘m tryin‘ Ringo. I‘m tryin‘ real hard.)

So, this is for that very special person…

(And all this took over a goddamned WEEK to come up with, not to mention having to rhyme all this shit, so you better read through the whole thing or I WILL take off my sunglasses. :eek: )

::cue Billy Joel‘s We Didn‘t Start The Fire::
[sup](There‘s a 24 kb/s version available on Napster; sounds like shit but it‘s only 844 kB to download. Aw hell, go out and buy Storm Front‘ or Greatest Hits Vol. III‘. If you don‘t like it, you need to have your personality adjusted. C‘mon now, at the top of your voice!)[/sup]
I Was The One You Hired
[sup]Music ©1989 Maritime Music, new lyrics ©2000 SkinnyGuy[/sup]

Beady-eyed infantile, ass-licking heap of bile
Masturbating, gerbil-raping, syphilitic schmuck
Circle-jerking cocksucker, driep-up dog turd, motherfucker
Jag-off cheapskate, sorry sumbitch, try‘n‘ to pass the buck

Ignorant, inbred, arrogant and overfed
Wart-faced and on a date, kankerlijer lik me reet
Hijo de puta, wants to nail his mama
Pudgy shitheel, hoerenjager, unclefucker, leck mich

CHORUS:
I was the one you hired
It was you who asked me
Now I want my money
I was the one you hired
You just keep refusing
Knowing you‘ll be losing

Out of depth, out of luck, self-serving big fat fuck
Condescending, rodent-felching, company man¹
Fuck you pigface, dildo-ramming² disgrace
Eat shit, then die, Bill Gates fan

Oetlul, blow me, Pee-Wee Herman wanna-be
Landverrader, faeco-freak, nonkelpoeper, fucking weak
Dipshit with no spine, gonorrheic bovine
Imbecile, you schlemiel, figlio di putana

CHORUS

Wide-load², pusbag, brownnoser, double-dag
Eikel, bite me, fell down the ugly tree
Cry-baby, numbnuts, jissom-slurping² filthy putz
John Merrick‘s ugly bro‘, Schwanzlutscher, where‘s my dough?

Großes Arschloch, dipstick, kiss my ass, suck my dick
Peckerwood, crack ho‘, peasy little asshole
Take a flying fuck, through a moldy doughnut
Chubby jerk-off psycho, go have yourself cornholed

CHORUS

Namaak-Belg, maggot, Jerry Springer reject
Retard, you suck, sack of shit, dumb fuck
Whining pansy whoremonger, backward asswipe pigfucker
Tight-assed, limp dicked, impotent redneck hick
Scumbag, ‘spece de cul, grafkankerteringlul
Y‘know you‘ll lose, ya gotta pay, what else do I have to say?

CHORUS

All fucked up and senile, hand-jiving² pedophile
Jerkwad, douchebag, slack-jawed fuckrag
Lard-ass dickhead prison bitch, working on your anal itch
Dickless wonder with no class, shove that job right up your ass

Colon sniffer, take a hike, Edgar Hoover look-alike²
Hestekuk, shit-for-brains, fuck, shit, grease stain
Clueless nutless miracle, Amsterdammer³, hondelul
Christ you‘re such a corporate whore, I can‘t take it anymore

I was the one you hired
It was you who asked me
Now I want my money
I was the one you hired
When you‘re dead and gone
I will still go on, and on, and on, and on…

CHORUS (repeat)

Translations :slight_smile:

In order of appearance…
[list=1]
[li]kankerlijer, lik me reet   [Dutch]   motherfucker (lit. cancer-sufferer), kiss my ass[/li][li]hijo de puta   [Spanish]   son of a whore[/li][li]hoerenjager   [Dutch]   whore chaser[/li][li]leck mich   [German]   blow (lit. lick) me[/li][li]Bill Gates fan   [Obscure]   a worshipper of money and substandard computer products (also see Queensrÿche‘s Operation: Mindcrime, track Revolution Calling: ”but now the holy dollar / rules everybody‘s lives / gotta make a million / doesn‘t matter who dies•)[/li][li]oetlul   [Dutch]   asshole, dipshit, dumb fuck, moron, whatever[/li][li]landverrader   [Dutch]    (high) traitor (as in: WWII)[/li][li]nonkelpoeper   [Flemish]   unclefucker (as used in South Park‘s subtitles - I still don‘t know what was funnier: SP‘s over-the-top un-PC-ness or the far-out Flemish-flavoured subtitles)[/li][li]schlemiel   [Dutch/Yiddish]   moron[/li][li]figlio di putana   [Italian]   son of a whore[/li][li]double-dag   [Australian]   dag is the shit that‘s gotten caught in the hair on the ass-end of a sheep (I‘m not making this up - Australians have a word for everything)[/li][li]eikel   [Ducth]   dickhead[/li][li]Schwanzlutscher   [German]   cocksucker[/li][li]großes Arschloch   [German]   big asshole[/li][li]moldy   [American]   mouldy[/li][li]namaak-Belg   [Dutch]   fake-ass (would-be) Belgian[/li][li]‘spece de cul   [French]   asshole (well, not really, but I just had to place…)[/li][li]grafkankerteringlul   [Dutch]   enormous motherfucker (lit. grave-cancer-comsumption-dick - we‘re big on diseases)[/li][li]hestekuk   [Norwegian]   horse‘s dick[/li][li]hondelul   [Dutch]   dog‘s dick[/li][/list=1]
For anything else, you‘re on your own…

¹ Yes. I confess. I did it. I have used quotes from Glengarry Glen Ross. The rant of rants.
² Thanks for this one, Rob (not on the Board). Does this make up for not using ”ass-skating bunghole boy•?
³ There is nothing so pathetic as an Amsterdammer who flees to Belgium for tax purposes, but after fifteen years still has his fucked-up whining nasal accent, and tries to cover up that accent by using Flemish dialect, thinking he‘ll be accepted more easily by Belgians. Pucking futz.

2

What the hell am I all worked up about? I mean, I can laugh about it, right? Look at all that work I put in those lyrics. Doesn‘t look like someone who‘s preoccupied with money problems and stuff like that. Right? So I‘ll get my money a little later. I‘ll still get it, won‘t I? And wasn‘t I the guy who just didn‘t give a damn? Am I not the guy who was recently described as someone who would have a great time during Armageddon (the biblical event, not the movie), laughing at all those people scurrying around, trying to save whatever they could? (And this description came from someone who is probably my closest friend, and it was the best pitch he could give me for a blind date with one of his colleagues. Go figure. She wasn‘t discouraged. Go figure some more.) So, this is not a big deal. Isn‘t it?

No. Not even close.

You see, I was running out of money here. Big time. Since August I‘ve had zero (0) income. What I do have is a loan up to the gills (I currently owe the bank approximately the Dutch per capita GNP), and an extra loan from my parents. And the prospect of having to sell my house to settle my debts was getting more real by the day.

And that‘s where he made his mistake. Forcing me to part with my house. I like my house. It‘s not a big house, but it‘s mine. I like the garden I have. It‘s not big, but it‘s there, and it‘s mine. I like the little pond I have in my garden. It‘s not big, but it‘s there, and that‘s mine too. I like the fish in that pond, and the dragon-flies, and the frogs. Especially the frogs. I don‘t know how the hell those frogs got in there, but since 1997 they‘ve been there, and I like it this way. (They must feel pretty at home too, because as of this year the population of Rana esculenta has doubled to four.)
I lost (and am still losing) sleep over all this shit. Just because he‘s the kind of fucknut who thinks he can browbeat me into breaking the law. Just because he knows better than the Dutch government. Just because he‘s an asshole.

For that, I will Kaiser Soze his ass. With all the knowledge I have on this guy and his ”business associates• and how they (try to) cheat on their taxes, he‘s in for a ride. It will be a long time before he meets someone more vindictive than I am. I‘ll take him to court for my money, wait out the outcome, and after that, regardless of the outcome, I‘ll nail his fat fucking ass to the wall.

And if you got this far, thanks for putting up with my bitching. This time next week I‘ll be out of immediate danger of having to sell my house. Even assuming a worst-case scenario, I will have repaid most of the loans by the end of the year. And in the end, thinking up the lyrics, rhyming them, then replacing any doubly used insult and trying to rhyme that again, turned out to be good therapy. No matter what mood I was in at the time, by the time I reached the last two stanzas I was grinning like a maniac. I can recommend this kind of therapy to everybody. If you‘re going to hell in a handbasket, might as well do it with a smile on your face. :slight_smile:

Hans

3

Fat people are on the what, now?

4

Those crazy Dutch…

Wow SkinnyGuy. Feel better now?

5

Skinnyguy,

The next time I pass through Amsterdam, let’s get together and beat up Coldfire, and take his money for beer.

10.0.

6

SkinnyGuy, you HAVE to post more. That was pure brilliance, in more languages than I can even think about.

I especially loved rhyming “date” with “lik m’n reet” :smiley:

Jesus man, I hope you’ll work things out and sue his fat ass GOOD. Is the company Dutch? In that case, he’s liable if it’s a BV and he’s a director.

Once again: DAMN. That was some funny shit - it takes a man of character to treat a situation like that with humour!

7

I give it a 10. Actually, this one goes to 11.

8

Methinks we need a special scale for this kind of brilliance…

The Canadian judge gives this one a 10 anyways…

9

Eh, maybe 9.4. Slap my ass and call me the Bulgarian judge, but the title lost a few points, and it just didn’t have that ring of spontaniety so essential to a sound Pit Rant.

I would, however, like to see a song category added, though. 9.95 there.

10

andros, how many kinds of crack are you on? Any slack the title leaves is more than picked up by the multilingual song. Hell, I’m still laughing! :smiley: I have to use some of those insults in my daily life. I wonder how a Montanan asshole would react to being called a grafkankerteringlul. ::evil grin::

11

Nah, like I said, the song is smegging brilliant. But I chose to ignore it in the rant scoring, opting instead for the bits that were truly spur-of-the-moment improvisation.

So there. :stuck_out_tongue:

12

Someday, not today, but SOMEDAY, I’m gonna use that one at work. Good stuff today!

13

I’m a little tubby… let’s go at it, you bony wuss!! :smiley:

14

SkinnyGuy,

That was so beautiful it made my skin crawl. Especially the “John Merrick’s ugly bro’.”

–sublight.

15

Are you calling me fat?!

Oh you sorry sack of shit!

(Twirl, twirl, twirl, fling!)

SPLAT!

Did that hurt? Gee I sure hope so! And just between you and me; don’t call me fat again. I mean really! Hefty, big girl or robust is better than the f word. I’d hate to have to twirl your skinny sorry ass again. Let’s just let this go as your first fuck up, okay?

I know, everyone else is just giving you kudos… but I’m sure they are skinny little fucks like you that I could just twirl and twirl with no raise in my heart rate. Let’s just let this go, shall we? Okay. Now, how are you at backgammon?

And for what it’s worth, I had I little go round, like yours, over a stained glassed window I designed… don’t ask. It got so stupid it hurt my DOG’S head… anyway, just don’t call me fat, okay?

:wink:

16

Damn. What can I say? I’m impressed. I’m floored, really. I mean, holy shit. Let us know how it goes, OK?

17

Wow. A new highwater mark in Pit rants has been made. 10.0

– Another SkinnyGuy

18

Bravi, bravi, bravissimi.

(Wouldn’t it just be a kick if he turned out to be some troll who got banned? :D)

Esprix

19

Although, one thing - you call him “cocksucker” like it’s a bad thing…

Esprix

20

A little. :wink: Give me a couple of months and I’ll laugh about it. Or even better: let him give me my money, and I’ll laught right now.

Or better yet: you hold him, and I’ll insult him.

He’s Dutch, but his company’s registered in Belgium. (That’s where he lives as well.) He’s got an eenmans-BV (transl.: ~ single-person ltd), so he IS personally responsible for anything I’ll be able to pin on him.

Thanks for the compliment. ::gives a nice curtsy:: But it was either having this shit hanging over me and sit in a corner and cry a little (maybe even a lot), OR having this shit hanging over me and try to have fun regardless. Fun is better.

[sup]You know I was only kidding about the holding and insulting, don’t you? I mean, we dike pluggers stick together, right? Right? Right! Erm, what’re you going to do with that big, blunt vegetable? Wha-[/sup]

I did do a spontaneous rant at first, prose, ending in a barrage of 26 alphabetised gems of profanity (IIRC asshole … zitbag). I had that done in under an hour. It just wasn’t enough. :slight_smile:

Thanks for sharing, SPOOFE. :wink:

SPOOFE, Byzantine, I’m not talking a little tubby here. I’m not even talking fat. I’m talking F A T. Orca fat. This guy cannot travel to Norway, because the moment the Norwegians sight him (that’s when he’s still in Germany, in case you’re wondering) they get out the harpoons. There’s even an exemption from Greenpeace, I’m not kidding. Look it up on their web site.

It’s always the same. You use one Norwegian word, and they whip out (easy Esprix! read on) Norse mythology. Anybody any comments on my use of German? Dutch? Anybody?

Yes, I forgot to qualify that one. I meant to say a sucker of cocks of rodents and other small furry animals. That’s the only size he can get into his mouth, because it’s all puckered up from being such a tight git.

C’mon! You try to come up with something that rhymes with “ucker”!