Favorite and least favorite Buffy lines

Cafe Society
1

Inspired by the recent Law & Order quotes thread, I felt compelled to ask everyone about their favorite and most detested Buffy quotes.

My favorites, in no particular order:

The Puppet Show:
Snyder: That’s the kind of wooly-headed liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.

Lovers Walk:
Buffy: Yeah, she saw these scores and her head spun around and exploded.
Giles: I’ve been on the Hellmouth too long. That was metaphorical, yes?

Lovers Walk:
Spike: I gave her everything - beautiful jewels, beautiful dresses, with beautiful girls in them, but nothing made her happy. And she would flirt! I caught her on a park bench, making out with a chaos demon! Have you ever seen a chaos demon? They’re all slime and antlers. They’re disgusting. She only did it to hurt me. So I said, ‘I’m not putting up with this any more.’ And she said, ‘Fine!’ And I said, ‘Yeah, I’ve got an unlife, you know!’ And then she said… she said we could still be friends. God, I’m so unhappy!
Willow: There, there.

The Replacement:
Willow: If you get the apartment, this’ll be your hallway. And we’ll walk down the hall and say, 'La, la, I’m on my way to Xander’s.
Buffy: Just warning you, Xander, I probably won’t be doing that.
Riley: Really? I will.

Bargaining, part 1:
Tara: It’s sorbis root. It was supposed to confuse him, but it just kind of made him peppy. It’s not supposed to mix with anything - do you think he might be taking prescription medication?
Spike: Yeah, that MUST be it.
Giles: Good god, I hope he doesn’t try to operate heavy machinery.
(Tara figures in several of my favorite exchanges. She’s the perfect straight man for dialogue. Does that strike anyone else as ironic?)

Once More, With Feeling:
Anya: You don’t have to go to work?
Xander: No, I shut the crew down for the day. My guys started dancing around me. I don’t know if I can deal. It’s a flab thing. So, waffles?
Anya: Will you still make me waffles when we’re married?
Xander: No, I’ll only make them for myself, but by California law, you will own half of them.

All the Way:
Anya: After work Xander’s going to teach me a new game. It’s called Shiver Me Timbers. Have you ever played?
Tara: Not big on the timber.

What I consider verbal low points:
Choices:
Willow: I have a shot at being a bad-ass wicca. And what better place to learn?
(Has anyone ever said they have a shot at being a kick-ass Baptist or a bad-ass atheist?)

Family:
Tara: There was the front of one. A half-camel.
(A half camel? WTF did that come from? Tara never seemed the druggy type, so the only plausible explanation is poor room ventilation during a ritual.)

Buffy vs. Dracula:
Riley: Cow me!
(Made all the worse by the dippy grin on his face.)

2

Hmm… I’d have to say my favorite is one of Xander’s:

“There’s something you don’t see every day. Unless you’re US.”

I forget what the episode was, though.

3

Yup, Tara had some good lines. My favorite is from “Older and Far Away”:

Tara: How’s that cramp, Spike? Still bothering you?
Spike: What? Oh, yeah.
Tara: Maybe you want to put some ice on it.
But my favorite all time quote is from Anya in “The Body”

Anya: I don’t understand! I don’t understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she’s… there’s just a body, and I don’t understand why she just can’t get back in it and not be dead anymore. It’s stupid. It’s mortal and stupid. And Xander’s crying and not talking. And I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever. And she’ll never have eggs or yawn or brush her hair. Not ever. And no one will explain to me why.

4

I think my all-time favorite is from “No Place Like Home” (I think that’s the one, correct me if I’m wrong):

Buffy: Spike, what are you doing here, in 5 words or less?

Spike (counts on fingers): Out. For. A. Walk. (pauses, counts thumb) Bitch.

Actually, I pretty much like anything with Spike in it, esp when he’s doing his “Big Bad I May Be Chipped But I’m Still One Scary Vamp” act.

And Anya trying to be human - “Thank you for shopping at the Magic Box. I have your money, so you can go away now.” She kills me.

5

No, that’s just an example of the quirky, Dadaist humor that she possesses that 99% of humanity (except for Willow, of course) simply doesn’t get. Like her “karmic insect reflection” joke she tried that went over on the gang like a lead zeppelin.

Willow/Tara exchanges are always the bomb:

W: “I used to use the time between classes to copy over my notes in a system of different colored pens, but that was pointed out to me to be, y’know, insane.”

T: “I said, ‘quirky’.”

6

My personal favorite, and the most slyly subversive line in the history of television, from “Once More, With Feeling”:
“Dawn’s in trouble. Must be Tuesday.”

7

Giles: “My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.”

Or was it “eclipses”?

8

My favorite exchange is from “Graduation, Part 2” when the gang is making plans in the library, as follows:

Buffy: “So, am I crazy?”
Willow: “Well, ‘crazy’ is such a strong word.”
Giles chewing on his glasses: “Let’s not rule it out though.”
Buffy: “You don’t think it can be done?”
Giles: “I didn’t say that. I might, - but not yet.”
Cordelia: “I personally don’t think it’s impossible to come up with a crazier plan.”
Oz: “We attack the Mayor with humus.” Everyone looks at him incredulously.
Cordelia: “I stand corrected.”
Oz: “Just trying to keep things in perspective.”
Cordelia sarcastic: “Thank you. - My point however is, crazy or not, it’s pretty much the only plan. - Besides, it’s Buffy’s, - and she’s slay gal, - you know, Ms little Likes-to-fight. So…”
Xander interrupts her: “I think there was a ‘yea’ vote buried in there somewhere.”
Buffy: “Well, I’m going to need every single one of you on board. Especially you Xander. You’re sort of the key figure here.”
Xander: “Key? - Me? (takes a deep breath) Okay, - pride, - humility, - and here is the mind numbing fear. (sighs) What do I have to do?”
Buffy: “Do you remember any of your military training from when you became soldier guy?”
Xander points at her: “Uh, rocket launcher?”
Buffy regretfully: “Rocket launcher not going to get it done. I mean, it took a volcano to kill one of these things last time.”
Giles gets up and walks towards her: “Um, Buffy, all of this is rather depended on your being able to control the Mayor.”
Buffy: “Faith told me to play on his human weakness.”
Willow: “Faith told you? Was that before or after you put her into a coma?”
Buffy: “After.”
Willow: “Oh.”
Giles: “His weakness.”
Buffy: “Right.”
Giles: “Which is?”
Buffy, dodging the question: “You know I do all this planning. I’m in charge here, even though I am really not at my best”
Giles puts his glasses back on: “Well, let’s let’s ah, let’s think.”
Oz: “Well, Angel, you hung with him the most. Is there something that he’s afraid of?”
Angel: “Well, he’s not crazy about germs.”
Cordelia: “Of course, that’s it! We attack him with germs!”
Buffy: “Great! We’ll corner him and then you can sneeze on him.”
Cordelia gesturing excitedly, brainstorming: “No! No, we’ll get a box with the Ebola virus and and… Or it doesn’t even have to be real, we can just get a box that says ‘Ebola’ on it and uhm (snaps her fingers) chase him (Oz frowns and no one else says anything) with the box”
Xander: “I’m starting to lean towards the humus offensive.”
Oz: “He’ll never see it coming.”

9

Gosh, I hate my girlfriend for getting me to look forward to this show every week . . .

I am paraphrasing here since I don’t remember the exact exchange. Two or three episodes ago, Anya is trying to get someone to wish vengeance on Xander.

Anya to Tara and Willow: So neither of you want to hurt a man? What kind of lesbians are you?

10

There are so many to choose from. For instance:

Buffy: Mom, the only way you get a new slayer is if the old slayer dies.
Joyce: Then that means you… When did you die? You never told me you died.
Buffy: It was just for a few minutes.

Willow: Oz is a werewolf.
Buffy: It’s a long story.
Oz: Got bit.
Buffy: But obviously not that long.

Oz did have a lot of the good lines. One of the funniest and most subtle was when someone asked if he read the school newspaper. Oz replied, “Only the obituaries.”

Willow: I knew it! I knew it! Well, not in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn’t know.

Buffy: How you been?
Amy: Rat. You?
Buffy: Dead
Amy nods.

But my number one choice, which turned me on to the show (I started late) was:

Willow: I don’t want to be a demon. I just want to go back and help my friends.
D’Hoffryn: That is your answer?
Willow: It is.
D’Hoffryn: I’m sorry to hear that. Oh well, here is my talisman, if you change your mind, give us a chant.

11

Lol. Hadn’t thought of that, but yeah, it is ironic. Of course my laughter is more than a little tinged with sadness now.
Anyway, let’s see…lots of good choices already taken, but I’m shocked that nobody’s come through with this one yet, spoken by Spike in “Lover’s Walk”:

I may be love’s bitch, but at least I’m man enough to admit it.

I also really liked Oz’s thoughts in “Earshot”, when Buffy could read his mind.

12

I saw this one just the other day and thought it was funny. Spike is in te junkyard when everyone comes upon him:

RILEY: What are you doing here, Spike?

SPIKE: Oh, there’s a nice lady vampire who set up a charming tea room over the next pile of CRAP. What do you think I’m doing? I’m scavenging, ain’t I?

13

How could I forget these under “favorites?”

Earshot:
Xander: “What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time. Sex. Help! 4 times 5 is 30. 5 times 6 is 32. Naked girls. Naked women. Naked Buffy. Oh, stop me!”
Buffy: “God, Xander, is that all you think about?”
Xander: “Actually? 'Bye!”

Buffy: “You had sex with Giles? You had sex with GILES?”
Joyce: “It was the candy. We were teenagers.”
Buffy: “On the hood of a police-car?”
Joyce: “I’ll be downstairs. You feel better.”
Buffy: “Twice?!?”

14

Fionn reminded me of my favorite, and even looked up the full quote for me.

Ted: I get em for free and I don’t see why I shouldn’t pass the same deal onto you.

Willow: Geekgasmic squeak

Can anyone find that squeak for me, as a .wav file? I NEED to have that sound on my computer, somewhere. :slight_smile:

15

Willow, arriving with donuts: “Glazed or cake? It’s fun to watch them make them. They use this spritzy thing, and they drop the batter into this…”
Buffy: “Couldn’t sleep, huh?”
Willow: “I’ve been at Mr. Donut since the TV did that snowy thing. How come you’re the wakey-girl? I mean, this time it’s not your boyfriend who’s the cold-blooded…”
sees Oz approaching, hurriedly turns to Buffy
“Jelly donut?”

Later:
Giles: “Clearly, we’re looking for a depraved, sadistic animal.”
Oz: “Present. Hey, I may be a cold-blooded jelly donut, but my timing is impeccable.”

– From the episode Beauty and the Beasts

16

There are simply too many great lines to have favorites (although Oz did have all the best lines. The one good thing about Tara dying is that it offers the faintest hope of a return of Oz. Yeah, I know, never going to happen. I can dream, though, can’t I?) Still, some that stand out:

When Willow came out to the rest of the Scoobies:
Willow: (to Buffy) This all started when you found out Tara and I were dating!
Xander: No, this all started when you all went away to college and… Wait, you and Tara are dating?
Giles: (drunkenly) Bloody hell!

The next ep, when they all realize that Spike has been trying to drive them apart:
Giles: Well, the way he said it seemed… I’m very stupid.
Xander: Spike! After all we’ve… No, I can’t even pretend to be surprised.

From the Thanksgiving episode:
Willow: Maybe it’s some super powerful witch, who’s collecting ears to make some sort of giant ear monster! (Buffy gives her a flat stare) Boy, I’m really off my game today.

Spike: You annihilated his people! What could you possibly say to him?

From the haunted psycho-sexual frat party at the iniative:
Anya: The only thing we had in common was we both liked your penis. And now I don’t even have that anymore!

From other episodes which I don’t quite remember what they are:
Spike: Hey, if you’re here to kill the Slayer… (Gives a big smile and two thumbs up)

The time Xander made a joke about “Moon Pies” and Giles actually caught the reference.

And, from the very first episode, Principle Flutie making a big speech about new beginnings and tearing up Buffy’s transcript, then carefully taping it back together.

As for worst line, there’s one that always leaps to mind:
Riley, talking to Prof. Walsh about Buffy: She had the truest soul I’ve ever known.

Walsh should have had him taken out and shot right then and there.

17

Angel: “Dear Buffy…” Hmmm. I’m still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
Spike: Why don’t you rip her lungs out? That might make an impression.
Angel: Lacks… poetry.
Spike: Doesn’t have to. What rhymes with lungs?

Spike: It’s a big rock. I can’t wait to tell my friends. They don’t have a rock this big.

Spike: If every vampire who said he was at the Crucifixion was actually there it would’ve been like Woodstock. I was at Woodstock. I fed off a flower person and I spent six hours watching my hand move.

Spike: What’s this? Sittin’ around watching the telly while there’s evil still afoot? It’s not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! What, can’t go without your Buffy, is that it? Let’s find her! She is the chosen one, after all. Come on! Vampires! Grrr! Nasty! Let’s annihilate them, for justice, and for… the safety of puppies… and Christmas, right? Let’s fight that evil! Let’s kill something! Oh, come on!

Spike gets so many great lines. :slight_smile:

18

thanksgiving:

“A bear! A bear! You made a bear!”

“I didn’t mean to.”

“Undo it! Undo it!”

19

For favorite line…
From “Buffy vs. Dracula”:

Willow: “Well, I think we have Dracula factoids.”
Xander: “Like any of that’s enough to fight the Dark Master.”
(everyone looks at him)
Xander: “–bator.”

then, later:

Xander: “I think you’re drawing a lot of crazy conclusions about the Unholy Prince.”
(everyone looks at him again)
Xander: “–bator.”

Also, from “Dopplegangland”:

Re: Willow’s double’s appearance at the Bronze, and the gang’s subsequent conclusion that she’s a vampire–

Xander: “This isn’t real.”
Buffy: “I can’t feel anything. Arms, legs, anything.”
Giles: “She was truly the finest of all of us.”
Xander: “Way better than me.”
Buffy: “Much. much better.”

And Anya adjusting to humanity:

Anya: “What a day. Give me a beer.”
Bartender: “I.D.”
Anya: (glares)
Bartender: “I.D.”
Anya: “I’m 1120 years old, just give me a frigging beer!”
Bartender: “I.D.”
Anya: (sighs) “Give me a Coke.”

Anya, despite the fanbase’s hatred towards her, gets a lot of good lines.

20

Surprise
Angel: “Leave her alone.”
Spike: “Yeah, that’ll work. Now say ‘pretty please’.”

Angel: “Take me instead of her!”
Spike: “Uh, you’re not clear on the concept, pal. There is no ‘instead’. Just first and second.”

Innocence
Drusilla: I’m naming all the stars.
Spike: You can’t see the stars, love. That’s the ceiling. Also, it’s day.